People seem to be constantly posting their stories on this site in the hope that people will just read and acknowledge each other’s difficult life stories so I thought, as I am no different in wanting to be heard, I would do the same.
I legitimately don’t have an extremely difficult life so I’m not really anything to feel sorry for. I’ve had a rocky (to say the least) upbringing from my father but my mother and rest of family have always been really good to me. School for me (I’m 18 now and I’ve finished Six Form (senior years(?) to you Americans)) was just me not really feeling like I fit into anywhere but with some still pretty good friends. To be quite honest, it was high school like it was for most people!
So really so far this essay has all been bullshit. Why am I posting this on a suicide site? Am I taking the piss? Well I’ve had suicidal urges, or urges just not to exist, for the last 8 months, since New Year’s Day where I just realised I didn’t really belong in the race of humans and decided to give myself a choice in whether I wanted to drown myself or not. As it’s fairly obvious which one I picked, I got through those few weeks with the help of a girl I began to see, however as she confirmed to me and what I now see is that people will always let you down, and to trust someone completely is a mistake. I’m reminded this by past relationships, friends and in one case family, but this isn’t the reason for such selfish urges I have now. I’m not even sure the urges are suicidal but I don’t want to be about any more.
I’m not sure if you, reader, will agree with me when I say this. The common denominator among the people on this site is that none of us feel as though we are actually a part of this world. I hate the loneliness, the poor sides of human interaction and in a lot of ways, myself. I don’t want to continue to live like that, so my motivation slowly builds to wanting to end things. I’m not there yet. How pathetic eh? I’m pretty much insulting most people on this website but there you go.
So fuck knows why I’m posting it here. No one else knows to the extent I feel like this, I can’t tell any friends or family, but I’m safe in the knowledge I’ve just waisted five minutes of someone’s life.
10 comments
Welcome to SP :O you can basically post anything that’s on your mind here
I guess it’s pretty cool huh! Still, there’s far worse haha.
No story on here about someone’s struggle is a waste. That’s the beauty of this site in my mind, that I think, or at least hope, that here at least you see who people really are, and how they really feel. Not like facebook, or twitter where people are just putting things out there that have no meaning. Your story is your own no matter what. What you’re going through is real to you, and it doesn’t matter if someone else approves of it or not. Do you mind if I ask a point blank question? Do you feel like giving up due to the failures of others or is it yourself you’re feeling the failure in? If its in you, do you see any way to change your situation? Are you starting at a college or university in the fall? That can be a good time to actively seek out things that will make you happier, if you feel that things can change.
It’s a bit of both to be honest with you pal: I struggle with people now but to some extent it must be my fault as well, do you know what I mean? And I’m hopefully going to university in a year, hopefully due to grades…
Man, over a year ago I came across this really good article explaining unexplained suicides, random urges to die etc; but I can’t find it.. it was perfect for this post and this site..
I would never argue with someone who feels suicide is the way to go, but I do urge people not to do it on an impulse. In my own situation, I’ve tried everything I can think of, counseling, meds, talking to friends and family, tried to change things on my own, and after twenty years of nothing getting better I feel it’s time to go with what dignity I have left. It’s not an impulse decision for me, and I try to urge others not to do that either. There are statistics out the (and I’m not usually one for numbers but it seems worth bringing it up) that most people who attempt suicide on an impulse and survive don’t try to complete it again. They just felt at the time there was no other way.
I agree, Durmmy. I am ready to go but lack the courage to do it… I have my finances and affairs in order. I planned my funeral. But, I feel the only way I can do it is through an impulsive moment. I guess I am just waiting for that one moment…
@Still Lost I agree the final act itself will probably be on impulse but I’d hope that the decision is at least thought about as rationally as possible beforehand. You sound like you’ve taken the right steps getting everything together. I’ve found it was helpful to me to set a date, and then just approach it with calm determination.
Very true. I usually pick a date too far in advance so something interrupts – usually my doctor. But, I have a glass of vodka and will now choose a date.
You sound so much like me, especially the rocky upbringing from dad part. And even though we both have these urges we still can’t give up because there’s no guarantees about anything, good and bad stuff always happens in tandem and the only constant is change. And your story resonated with me, so you haven’t wasted my time 🙂