Here’s hoping for success

I guess I’ll start by saying I’ve battled with depression, sadness and self loathing for over half my life and boy has it been a battle. From as long as I can remember I’ve made bad choices and generally have become a person a do not respect. It’s been quiet awhile sine I could look at myself in the mirror, for all I see is shame, pain and sadness in my own eyes. I guess I just don’t respect myself and what I’ve become.

I have been a horrible son and brother, who seem to drop off the face of the earth whenever life brings me down (sometimes for years at a time) . I have not treated my kids well or even been a good father to them , which deeply saddens me. I truly wished I was better for them. I’ve lost the only woman I’ve ever truly loved due to my own selfishness and self destructive behaviour. It’s truly hard to be me and becoming increasingly more difficult by the second.

On my birthday September 5 2003 was my first unsuccessful suicide attempt. I was really intoxicated and was fighting with my gf . I remember locking myself in the bathroom with a box cutter and I still remember the last thing I said to myself before I began to cut ” FUCK IT”! Well I guess I did a pretty good job, cause the blood began to pool on the bathroom floor and my gf was able to get in and tie my belt around wrist and called 911. Long story short I severed the tendons and never sand took over a year to heal. During that year I had 3 more unsuccessful attempts, mostly by medications . Ie perks and  moriphine . I’ve spent time on psyc wards and never really found myself.

I’m at the end of my rope(pun intended) I’m not writing any of this as a plea for help, I guess I just want to get the pain out. I just don’t have the strength or energy to keep going. I have no hope or will to live a life feeling like I do, it’s torture and I want the pain to stop. The trick now is to finally succeed .

Thx for listening