I Need Someone

The fact that your father was disappointed by your mother birthing females during both of her pregnancies reminds me of the term “One above and one below” an innate subconscious notion that females are inferior to males, or that males are superior vice/versa; it probably exists due to being picked up on by prehistoric humans as a survival technique, and has since been incorporated into our baser instincts.

I thought I saw a dead body once, it was a small dog, I thought I had slept on top it, it was gazing off dead eyed without moving or responding, but it turned out the owners would intentionally intoxicate the dog with cannabis because they thought it was “funny”. During the time before the dog eventually moved after I had thought I had unintentionally crushed it (tiny chihuahua, I’m not obese), I had experienced the most terrible, sinking feeling I had ever felt, short of breath, not quite like I was going to puke but like I couldn’t swallow the information. It’s one of those ‘You just know’ internal moments. I can’t imagine the trauma you’ve experienced. I understand the feeling of witnessing death on a less severe level, although it was just a small, unintelligent dog, it was one of the single gravest experiences from my life.

I’ve been on medication intermittently throughout my life, stop-gap measures are advised against in pharmaceutical warnings, but I’ve done the “band-aid removal” method with medication before also. How are your symptoms now? Are you still experiencing the negative “side” (as they call them) effects of withdrawal? I’ve heard plenty about B-12, magnesium, and other natural supplements, but I’ve never bothered myself to try any of them. Your life sounds very traumatic..

I don’t know much about parents, my father was absent and I never really had a mom, she was a drugged up hag with no common sense or much retention of her original personality save for the mean spirited side, other than that she was mostly weird, or a mushy “victim” giving sob stories and empty promises, manipulating her friends and acquantances for money, endlessly, untill they got sick of her pathetic crap and sympathy plays/borderline begging, “oh how terrible so and so is for bla bla; oh my rotten son”, her typical nonsense. I had the slow apiphany that it doesn’t necessarily take intelligence to manipulate people, and that hardened my heart (if I /ever/ had one) as a child.

I’ve never known much of my grandparents other than awkward obligational “family” christmas gatherings, when I’d see then once for the entire year, ad nauseum next year, and the year after that.. Your grandparents seem like they’ve played a significant role in your life.

I’m here if you want somone to talk to, I’m listening. I won’t be bothered by anything you feel like saying, or getting off your chest, I can handle it. I hope your circumstances improve, there isn’t much a person made of words on your computer will be able to do for you except listen if you want to talk, or yell.. in that case, I’m here for you.

I want to wish you good luck in your struggles as well.