Hi,
My name’s D.J. I suppose you could say I’m depressed, I mean not a day goes by that I don’t think about killing myself. In fact the only reason I haven’t is because I can’t be 100% sure that I will die.
Imagine hating life and yourself so much that you want to kill yourself. Then when you finally try- thinking that you can finally be happy about something- you wake back up. And have to live with the consequences of failing to kill yourself. That’s one of my biggest fears.
Everyday I can find several consequences of killing myself that stop me from doing it. But I know that eventually I’ll be so blind with pain or anger that I’ll not be able to stop myself and then I’ll be gone.
If god is truly real I would like to ask him this: Why would you take someone willing to fight to have an amazing life and live it to the full but leave someone like me who will eventually give up and kill themselves.
Sincerely, D.J.
8 comments
I feel the same most days just when I thought I could cope with my depression things just got worse and now not a day goes by without wishing I could just kill myself but I don’t out of fear of failing or thinking what if being dead is actually worse than the pain of living…well I just guess fear is what keeps me going I don’t know if its good. But its kept me alive till this point..Maybe I’ll be able to be glad I was to afraid to do it someday.. I try thinking there might be a brighter day that’s actually worth living…
I keep thinking that maybe one day my fear of failing will come in handy…hopefully now it will.
Well I wish you luck
I feel like that pretty often. Failing a couple of attempts doesn’t help either. But the good thing about feeling like you are always going to fail (after you’ve started to come to terms with it) is that you can go anywhere from there. It’s a bit of a weird way of looking at it, but if you don’t have expectations you can do whatever you’d like without being worried about it, because hey, it’s going to fail anyway. At least that’s what i’m trying to do in order to function (even if barely, but it’s something).
Exactly how I feel. Except, I’m scared if I were to jump or hang myself it wouldn’t work. And I’d be left with life long injuries, maybe even being paralyzed. Then I’d really be fucked. I just signed up on this site today and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one sitting home alone, wishing I were dead. I wish you the best.
Thats exactly how I feel, don’t think I could live life knowing that I’d failed and then the guilt that my parents would put on me every day for doing something like that.
I’ve been completely focused on dying for the last three days now. Tried several methods. The body is tenacious and doesn’t want to die and clings to life despite all my attempts. I’m pretty frustrated with it. So I feel you.
I badly want out too. I have an almost fool proof method that is painless and peaceful too. Have never tried and failed. Know that my first attempt will be the last I ever need to make. But I love my mother to bits and she is elderly. I can’t do that to her. Impulsive attempts are not my scene, but you can never say never, as I don’t know what delights the future holds. I promise myself, just a few more years, bury my mum and then I have my out.