I haven’t posted on here in a while so thought I’d just give an update in the hopes it will maybe help others.
If you’ve read any of my other posts, you’ll know I was in a pretty bad way. I stopped sleeping and eating. I was in constant physical pain, had lost control of my bodily functions, was having hour-long panic attacks and constantly crying. I couldn’t go outside, couldn’t make phonecalls, could barely get out of bed. I would have meltdowns in public, screaming; had to have midnight trips to several hospitals. I was permanently shaking and on a massive cocktail of drugs that made me feel like a zombie. I attempted suicide twice. My life was totally out of control and I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. The future looked dark, exhausting and not even remotely worth it. The mental health team I was assigned to didn’t take me seriously enough and the people who loved me were running out of strength to lend me.
All I can say is that I was lucky. Maybe there is a purpose for me surviving, but mostly I see it as luck. I went miles away from where I live to stay with my mother for a few weeks. At the same time I was put on antidepressants. And somehow that changed it all. I stopped taking antipsychotics/anti-anxiety meds in those weeks, because I felt strong enough to manage without. The panic attacks stopped. I started to focus on the future. I had a lot of time to think about the past and what needed to change.
I feel like myself again. When I think about that, all I feel is immense relief. That the pain is over. That I made it through again. I feel light; more understanding of people and calmer. I’m learning to love myself. I am happy.
If there is one thing I can say that got me through this – aside from all the support I received from family and friends – it’s focusing on myself. It seems to be a recurring thing on here that we care so much about what others think of us, what they want, how to please them. But in trying to do that all the time, we forget about ourselves. We don’t love ourselves at all. And it sounds so pretentious and cliche, but dammit it’s so important to love yourself. I started doing things on my own: things I like doing but have always done with other people. I would think ‘I like doing this don’t I? So why not alone?’. Time to think, to come back to yourself is so important. Otherwise your brain just fries. It doesn’t even have to be massive things; I’m still not in a place where I want to go outside of my comfort zone, but I’m doing little things like buying myself new clothes, meditation, running, blogging and cooking. Each thing is something that makes me feel good, like I have accomplished something solely for myself. Yes, it’s lovely to share with people you care about but I’ve found that I just give too much, until I am not myself anymore. I belong to others instead.
I just want people to know that things can be the worst they’ve ever been, but things can change. I know everyone says it and some people will snort at this. I did. I’m not claiming I know how everyone feels or that I have the cure, because I don’t. I just hope that my ‘story’ might inspire/help/even just serve as an alternative view for people in these awful situations. Maybe it won’t.
Yes, at some point in my life things will probably be very crap again. Yes, I do need drugs to help me get by. And no, things aren’t perfect right now – but they are a million times better than they were and that in itself feels amazing.
*Talk to family and friends if you can, if you think they will be a support system. Take advantage of that.
*Ask about drugs – I’ve been on many and they all helped in some way.
*Focus on YOU.
At the very least, this is always going to be a place to vent, to find understanding or to just read about people who get it.
Thanks for reading! 🙂