I feel like I don’t want to keep on trying anymore, it’s hard to explain but I feel like I have finally achieved everything I’ve ever wanted and still I don’t get any joy from it. I still have some things that I have to “fight for” but I already know that when I finally get them I wont feel anybetter than now.
It feels like even when I got what I wanted (to have friends, and family and succeed in what I do) nothing is real, I feel like it’s all in my mind, I don’t think anybody actually loves me or cares about me. I feel like a ghost or an “extra” in my life, I could simply not be there and nobody would notice.
I know it’s actually my fault, I’ve always considered myself to be less important or worse than the others, but I’ve tried everything to change that and I can’t handle it anymore.
I’ll make sure nobody realises what I’m going to do, it will be sad for them of course, but they’ll get over it.
I’m enjoying my last few days, it all looks different when you know you’re close to the end, but it only makes me want it more. It’s not the first time I feel suicidal, but this time it’s different, now I know why and how I’m going to do this, it’s a decision Ive made in absolut peace, not led by anger nor sadnes nor fear, it’s just what I want. I don’t think it’s going to hurt (I don’t care if it does either).
Wish you all the best and hope you all find what you’re looking for.
2 comments
I hope im not too late. Please don’t give up just yet.
Wow. If you’re reading this, PerfectDay, I send you my love. I admire your courage and level headed approach to your life. It will be a sad event for your family and friends so maybe try and separate yourself from them so they don’t feel like the last time they say you doesn’t add up to how you ended your life. Leave a note. Write it out and rewrite it. Then see if this is all what you want to leave behind. The choice is yours and we can never understand how exactly you feel from a couple short paragraphs. We can’t understand you entirely, but we know the boat you’re sailing in. If you’re reading this, maybe we’re not too late to say our goodbyes and express what your post meant to my soul. I appreciate you and I know what you’re about to do is difficult.
Go in peace my friend.