I don’t want to cut anymore I don’t want to smoke But what reason do I need to stop for? You wanted me to change and I did I became a whole new person just so you would be proud of me and where did that get me? It got me nowhere your still not proud, I don’t want to be a mini Jasmine or Laura Jr. I want to be Mya and Mya wants to dance, sing, run away with her guitar and write music. I was happy in Oregon I had a bunch of friends and almost had a boyfriend But you dated mike and you wanted to be closer to him and you wanted to run away from something for some reason you just woke up one day and way like hey let’s move to Vegas and when we did Grandma died and we never got to say good bye and I have so much I want to tell her but I cant. On my birthday I woke up happy and waiting for her to call and tell me happy birthday until I realized she wasn’t going too.
I changed so much for you mommy Why aren’t you happy yet? Why don’t you ever call me your little angel poops anymore? Why can’t you tell me you love me without someone around? Why aren’t you there anymore? All I want you to do is say I’m proud of you bucky. I learned how to play your favorite song on piano just so you would shut up about mike for a few minutes and you just wanted to show me off I got into drawing and you tell people I will draw for them NO! I wanted to draw for you so you will be proud. You took me to Disneyland for my birthday and you brought Mike he only went on one ride and you two ditched me and when I finally found you, you guys left to go back to the hotel and you left me alone for 4 hours. I want to spend time with my mama with you inviting someone to join us I haven’t had girl time with you in such a long time. Im sorry I cut Im sorry I smoke Im sorry Im Bisexual and Im sorry Im just a waste of space But please just look at me without being annoyed or pissed off. You tell me Im an ungrateful little shit Im very grateful for everything its just I don’t care I lost the happiest for things and I have a hard time showing emotion. Happy sad mad anything I still have that straight face even though im in a good mood I have no reason to smile.
When are you going to ask how my life is going without telling people? Do you even know what I want to do when I grow up? Do you even know if this is a Self-blog or a Suicide note or me finally having the courage to tell you things or all? Laura, every night when I force myself to sleep I hope I don’t wake up in the morning but I can’t leave my dog or my boyfriend alone like that But I still don’t want to live……..Does that even matter to you? Or are you just pissed that im even saying this to you…I think the one time you actually cared is when you saw that I cut up my legs but all you did was run away and cry and tell me your going to get me help but look at me now…Helpless…Alone….Scared….I could never be what you want me to be Look through your own eyes Seek through your dead lies Say your last goodbyes.