Ok so um, this is my first time posting so try not to judge.
My life was normal as it could be-when I was 7. I would go to to school, bake cookies, and stuff like that. I basically had a good life, or so I believed-it was hard for me to see the bad in people/situations.
My mom: the woman who raised me till 7…she did drugs-all types of drugs(i walked in on her when she was using needles-but i was like 6, and didn’t know about drugs yet). She was also apparently bipolar and schizophrenic. She abused my sisters and I. Physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally, and……sexually. I wasn’t sexually molested-but my sisters were. So when my dad finally found out, he divorced her. Secretly, since we all still loved her so much despite what she did-we would visit her. She had a second chance, she took it, and made me so many promises. Promises that we would be a happy family again. Not long after, she broke them. Even after we begged on our knees, literally.
The last time I talked to her, was my 8th birthday. And even then, all i got was a phone call, that lasted 1 minute.
In those couple of years, I lost my childhood.
I grew up too fast. I learned about sex, rape, drugs, and everything along those lines-by the the age of 8.
(Just to be clear, I know that there are people with lives who are way worse)
Life at school wasn’t any better. Even though I was 7/8 years old, I still got really depressed. I gained alot of weight. So much that my doctor couldn’t find a way to tell me. The other kids at school would talk behind my back(or loud enough for me to hear clearly-on purpose) They would call me names, throw things at me, and make fun of me for being motherless. Because of that, I had social problems, I would hide from people. And my dad(and future stepmom) would wonder why.
Through all this, one of my sisters(who I’ll call “S”) was doing drugs.
Through the years my dad got married and I got a stepmom, stepbrother, and stepsister. But there were many problems leading up till now.
Recently, about 2 weeks before my 14th birthday, my sister S ran away from home. She’s 16 and has already been sent to a rehab before(except she was 15 when she was sent)
She ran away, and my family and I spent a whole week stressing, not sleeping, and putting up posters all over town. When we found her she told DCFS things-some true, so they wouldn’t focus on her.
Before I continue, let me point out that if my life story so far doesn’t sound bad, then it was just me who couldn’t handle it…….so I cut and tried to kill myself a couple of times. I felt useless, unwanted, and like a burden to everybody.
I never told people why I cut. They just assumed that it was because I wanted attention, or that I was a freak who went mental. When in truth, I was doing it to make myself feel better. Some people might know how I feel about cutting if they’ve ever done it for the same reason.
Anyways, people now ask me if I’m suicidal(nobody knows that i’ve actually tried it), or if I cut
They also ask how I learned to talk without emotion…so I tell them…..
“My Life”
8 comments
How sad! I am sorry this is your life. I can relate to the cutting. I have tried cutting, but actually prefer another form of self harm…but i do it so that the physical pain i create helps my brain refocus & leave the hurt feelings in my heart and head for away for a bit. once the physical pain subsides, i create it again & again….just to keep my heart and head from thinking and hurting so bad. I think this might be why you cut? i am sorry i could not offer you more help. Peace.
That’s exactly why. It helps me focus on the physical pain rather than the emotional.
I have nothing good to offer since my vices aren’t going to be wanted routes. I drink and smoke. Regularly consume large amounts of music and regularly expel my voice along to it. Maybe the latter will help you in a different way.
So sorry about your life. But although you might think it is hard to believe right now you can still start a new life and slowly overcome the consequences of your past. I wish I could help more, but I can’ even help myself…. I think it would help if you found a real passion, like dancing or anything you really love.
I forgot to mention in the post that I do have a passion-for music. I write my own songs.
That’s good!
And you have had it rough. Just because you had things that were difficult to deal with in your life, especially so early on, means that these motions were in place long before you arrived. I know many people feel useless and unwanted and it’s a constant ache that’s hard to get rid of
Love yourself. Say you to yourself what you want to be and go for it. Especially if what you want to be is happy.
Dear WhenDoesItEnd,
So much of your suffering throughout your life reminds me so much of my own experiences, and it breaks my heart to think of how much you have been harmed -mentally, physically, and spiritually – and how much you must be suffering because of it.
I’m 50, chronically depressed and chronically suicidal since my youth, so I’m what you might call an elder stateswoman. 🙂
I completely understand what drives you to want to end your life, and the relief from unbearable emotional suffering that cutting can bring (I’ve been able to live through severely suicidal periods because of it). Cutting is a very complex thing, it transfers, or lets us escape, our emotional pain by turning it to physical pain, it gives our self-hatred a way to vent, and punish ourselves, and most of all it gives our emotional torment “a body”. In other words, it gives a physical manifestation showing our pain through our physical form. Of course, cutting is not something we should do, or even what we really WANT to do, but for some of us it can save our lives, it is sometimes the only way to get relief, release from unbearable emotional suffering. I rarely cut these days (my Beloved’s unconditional love, getting older, buddhist meditation, and a little of the therapy I’ve had off and on over 30 years has helped me to be much more stable) but sometimes it’s the only way I can survive when things get so very bad.
I wish so much that I could help you, your story is so sad, and I understand how your suffering can be unbearable.
There are a few things that have really helped me, and one of them is dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). This therapy was created by therapists and psychiatrists who were trying to help suicidal and deeply depressed people like us. It has the highest statistical success in helping people heal and have “normal” lives compared to all other therapies (cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is second best). (I’m living in a lovely social democracy in Europe, but their therapists are still way behind in the stone age so there is no DBT or CBT here.
Other therapies are pretty much a crap shoot, in that it depends on how good a therapist is, and whether it is effective for you (which is not always easy to find), and how comfortable you feel with your therapist.
But, what helps me the most is Buddhism, especially the meditation. Buddhism is more of a philosophy than a religion, as there is no god mentioned, so many buddhists are also Christian, Jewish – you name it.
Buddhism is the best therapy for me. It teaches me to live in the moment, to free myself from the horrors of the past, as well as my terror of the future. And, meditation teaches me that my thoughts, emotions, and all the things I judge myself and others as are not facts, they are not reality, they are simply fabrications of the mind. Meditation has also given me more control over my mind and emotions so that I can often “switch” to another “channel” when I find myself in a negative, or anxiety ridden state of mind. When I meditate I always have a better day, I’m more relaxed, more positive. But, when things are going bad I often don’t have the discipline to keep up the daily practice, but that’s okay, no one is perfect. I just try to get through my days from moment to moment.
And, being around the beauties of Nature can really help lift depression. It has such a soothing effect.
I don’t know if any of this will be of help to you, but I wanted to share my experience with you in case it could.
Remember, you are young and going through one of the most horrible and torturous times in life – adolescence.
It’s a very difficult time in life, even for the most “normal”, and emotionally stable, so it’s SO much harder for you, as it was for me – the constant bullying, etc. It does get better once you graduate high school, when you are free from the torment of your peers. So please, try to hold on. I’ve been able to make it to 50, and I’ve been able to live out my dream of becoming a musician, traveling the world, living in a rural area in Europe, being unconditionally loved, understood, and accepted by the most amazing man. So, please, PLEASE, try to hold on. In between our visits to hell, life CAN be beautiful.
And, know, you are not alone. <3