Suicide.
A word whispered in our home on and off over the past 30 years. I attempted suicide when I was 17 and almost succeeded. I went on to ‘be normal’ with threats of ECT and other drugs. So I tried to act as ‘normal’ as one possibly could with the childhood I had. I watched my mother be beaten to a bloody pulp, moved so many times I lost count, was molested and have never felt like I ‘belonged’. Eventually I started going to church which helped a lot and the panic attacks subsided and I went on to earn a degree which afforded me a way out the poverty I had know all my life. Relationships have been extremely hard for me all my life. I was married very young, divorced and then married to an abusive man for about 9 years, 2 years later married again for 7 months, in another relationship where the guy committed suicide after I broke up with him, married another guy 3 years later who told me “God” had told him to and divorced him after he verbally abuse my son and I and was constantly threatening abandonment. I think I had a breakdown (I kept going of course) after all of that which increase my panic levels over the top. My family has hardly anything to do with me as they probably think I’m nuts with all my failures. I have estranged people from the church, who I thought were my friends, but they probably think I’m too nuts or broken to hang with. I get it. I used to have a home and lived there for 10 years or more. I have moved 3 times in the last 3 years and getting ready for a 4th move, 2 of which were across country. I have been through so much sh*t my entire life and I look around at people who have it together… who have a supportive family and a place to call home. I am with someone now who I am not really happy with, but he at least stays with me, through all my craziness. I think about suicide a lot. Not because I want to hurt anyone, I would not want to hurt my kids or grand-daughter, but I am just tired of fighting. I find no joy any longer. I smile and fake it…been doing that a long time, but I don’t think I can keep it up. I pray but I think I’ve done too much. I’ve just made so many mistakes, so many wrong turns and to feel like God doesn’t even want you is a very lonely place. I know people go through much more than me and survive. I just want the struggle of living to ease up. It has always been this way my entire life. One struggle, one fight, one battle after the other and I am so tired. Anyway, I guess it feels good to write it out-my feeling you know, but it’s tough to fight back the thought of giving up.