The Chase

There are some things that I cannot let go of.

I want answers from those who will not give me any.. not now, not ever.

Desperation washes over me whenever I think of ‘back then’ and the truth is that I’m not sure that what I remember is what happened because I was so young at the time. All I want is for those who were involved to ‘fess up for once in their lives, but I know deep down that it will never happen.

So, for the past few years I’ve been trying to forget.

Each hour now pasts like a dream – so detached from reality – from who I am this second.. to the point where I don’t feel like I’m living anymore. I used to remember everything so vividly like I was reliving each moment.. But I gave that up.

My memory used to be perfect. I could recall page numbers and their corresponding titles after flicking through entire books in the matter seconds. I could remember details in pictures like I had only blinked for the briefest moment. Every time I thought about the past I kicked myself for it. I ran.

I ran into the future so fast because I didn’t want to look back ever again.

I was afraid.

It’s been a few years now, a few years of running, and reality seems impossible to be real anymore. It just feels like living in a doll house – except no one is controlling me.. Millions of footsteps may cover my path, but I wouldn’t know. I wouldn’t even be able to recognise my own. Each day is a ‘reset’ – yesterday doesn’t to seem to have any lasting impact. Neither does tomorrow, nor now.

The Earth won’t remember you and I, our lives don’t matter. Not the slightest.

On my travels to the future, I have been looking for that ‘purpose’ that one thing we all believe will give us a meaning, a reason to live – that opportunity to make a lasting impact on at least one person. However most of the time it seems it just seems adequate to let all waste away. Humanity already seems like its doing a good job of screwing itself over anyways. What difference could one measly attempt to make things better for one person really do?

Things may get better for a fleeting moment, but it’s just that – ‘fleeting’, it doesn’t last.. and the low that follows can come like a great tide in the middle of the darkest nights.

So unexpected when we are at our best, but always there waiting for us.

No one can run forever. I know that, but it doesn’t stop me from trying. The continuous effort to keep going has already taken a significant toll on me, so I allow myself take a break from it every now and then to catch my breath in hopes of continuing on – in hopes of getting further and further away as fast as possible. But whenever I stop to breathe, the feelings come back..

And no, it does not come back in a rush.. I know that the past doesn’t matter, nor now, nor tomorrow – not to me at least. No, it just comes back.. slowly at first and then all-consuming.

The sadness is quiet and suffocating – relentless like the winter’s cold, heavy rain; icy and strong like the howling wind; intense like sunstrike on a clear summer’s day.

But ultimately without a purpose.

There is no need for it exist, yet it does..

When it comes back, it’s hard to breathe.

When it comes back, my heart struggles to keep up..