I can be happy, I can be content – but behind it all is an absence of any belief that anything is of any value, or worth, materially, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually. All empty.
Then the light fades, that’s enough, time to go.
Then comes anger, a real anger, self directed, and at the rest of humanity. The call to ‘be nice to people’ to make me feel better, to ‘do something’ to make me feel better. Acting on such advice is nothing more than me, me, me – so it’s all just self serving? So its in the self interest of those who preach to say those things? Addressing my condition must make them feel better. Is that what I am for – just to make others feel ok? If so then just come on and take the lot.
Once the anger takes hold it’s true self disgust – how can I be so self pitying?
There’s the trap…..its a self fulfilling closed circle. I hate it