Fighting echoed though my house and ears. Screaming and yelling from my younger brothers mouths, screaming “I hate you!” “I wish you were never born!!” “Your stupid!”. All because you messed up, you made a mistake on a video game, geeze why this again? You never had suicidal thoughts before, where did you get the thought? You went up to your room silently screaming. You tried to drown but chickened out, you grabbed a belt and tightened it around your throat but the closet poll wasn’t high enough, you got another thought, you grabbed a razor you thought it wouldn’t cut good enough so you grabbed an exact-o knife and cut deep. The blood slowly came out then it rushed down your arm. The tears are coming faster than before, “Why won’t I die!?” you feel dizzy and tired so you lie down asking to die begging to die. Your mom calls you down you quickly search for a long sleeve shirt you can only find a white one. You run down the stairs hiding your arms, your mom speaks in a voice so gentle “I’m sorry for yelling at you today, and I’m sorry about your brothers there boys.” your mom looks at your shirt and says, “you need to change your shirt its dirty” she points at a stain you breathe a sigh of relief, you go back up change and sit then once again your mother calls you down. You head down and she hugs you tells you how much she loves you, you start to cry. “Why are you crying?” you wipe the tears but they keep coming. “I made a mistake…” “What? What did you do?” you look at her worried face you shake your head no. She seems to get worried and starts to raise her voice “What did you do?! Tell me now!” you slowly roll up your sleeves and you regret it so much. Your mom grabs your arm and screams and turns white. “GOTO YOUR ROOM!” she’s panicking and calls your dad he rushes home from work and they see all your cuts and your goodbye note. You can never forget this day, its the day you tried to die, the first time…
Like for real though, do you even want me to be happy? It sure doesn’t seem like it. All you are doing is making me worse. I hope you’re happy, you have made me miserable. It seems like nobody cares about anybody anymore, am I the only one that has noticed this? Nobody is nice anymore, someone can be really hurt, and some would notice it, and what would they do… nothing. I hate my life, and I really don’t even care about anything or anybody too much anymore.
This is just another one of my useless,and stupid posts.
I’m not even sure if I can tell what is real anymore. The last year is a blur. I lost my wife. I quit my job. I lost my drivers licence. And now I cant even walk.
Recently I picked a fight with the wrong guy who broke my nose and then my leg when i was on the ground. As I am getting the shit kicked out of me I yell “KILL ME” at my attacker who immediately stops. Him and his friends back away as I black out.
I wake up in extreme pain. My foot is pointing the wrong way and I call an ambulance. I can’t stand the pain in my leg. There is blood everywhere, its streaming quickly out of my nose. The police arive, I inform them that I dont want to press charges, what I want is morphine. I black out.
skip to now, I have a job which I can barely do. My parents are helping me but I feel terrible asking for money as they are just as broke as I am.
I am a broken man. The love of my life is gone and its my fault. She wont come back. I was about to start a good paying job before I got my leg broken, now I cant. My current job was boring when I could use both my legs. Now its almost impossible.
I cant do this anymore. I just cant. I know people love me, I know it would hurt them but I just cant keep going on this way. I know my leg will heal, I will just find a new and exciting way to fuck up my life again.
I dont think I can keep going anymore. Who would have thought a guy with as much potential as me would give up on life before he turned 26.
every time a relationship starts to deepen, my brain starts to protest and makes me feel pain I can’t understand. But I think tonight, I finally understand where all this pain stems from. My excuses for running away from someone I like are “they don’t really like me in that way” or “I am not good enough for them”. If I look back to my childhood, I realize that my mom gave me mixed signals about love. I was loved if I was obedient, and I was given the cold shoulder if I disobeyed. I was not taught how to love or what real love was. I was taught that to get feelings of safety and warmth, I had to obey; I had to be a certain way; I had to do certain things; I had to suppress certain feelings, certain words inside of me lest my mom disapproved of me. My mom’s love has always been conditional. Her love was not really love, it was approval. Even at 26, I am still trying to define what “real love” is. I konw what real love is not, but I don’t know what real love is. Or maybe I am just too afraid to find out. Either way, I run away and I avoid feelings…. and everyday I understand more and more why.
Those of you who saw my “Sushi-In-A-Desert” picture may have noticed this in the comments:
At some point on Sunday evening, I realized I couldn’t resist.
Samurai eating pizza in a bowling alley with an ancient Greek priestess.
I’m addicted to him. This beautiful man… I call him kitty. The sweetest of humans alive. He has, in the last few weeks, made me feel like love is real. Like it’s possible.
But it’s just another dangling carrot for a stupid rabbit. I can never be with him. Tonight we both admitted that.
I thought I could get better… but life just likes to show me, taunt me, with that which I want before it rips it away from me.
So I’ve decided to do a little chemistry experiment. The result will be a poison that is known for killing cattle in nature. But if I can get just a tiny little bottle of it… I figure I’ll either be dead or brain dead. I don’t care. At this point, if I had the courage I’d cut out my own heart. But I don’t. So this will give me the time to either get over it… or not.
I’m just so sick of feeling… every little thing. Every day. Feeling like suicide is just looming over me at every turn.
I need some advice. The more people respond to this thread the better, please.
Some of you might recognize me and know what I’m going through, well I may have found a way out.
There’s this scholarship I can apply for that will allow me to go to Japan for a degree. I match almost all the requirements, the only thing left to do would be the knowledge test. But…
I will die next year, that’s a real fact. So what if I get the scholarship? An entire government will put their trust in me, but I will fail them and end up dying. All the resources they’ll invest on me will go to waste because I won’t even graduate.
So, is it worth the try? Maybe someone else needs that scholarship, someone that will make it until the end, graduate and be a brilliant professional. I don’t want more people to waste time in me, because I’m not worth it. I would love to get to know Japan and be away from my parents, but I will fail everyone. I don’t want to be selfish.
I diagnosed myself to be a schizoid, but due to self-diagnosis, people may laugh it off, but I know myself very well.
I have no desire to live, or to die. I see no real meaning to continue living. Everyone has to die, isn’t it? It also seems to be the quicker way to get rid of the boredom I have had all my life. Though my circumstances are just as bad as any other suicidal person, I have no real emotional attachment to anything in life. I live alone in Japan, though I was not raised here, hence I don’t even speak japanese.
There is no alternate way for me, I have used up my savings to prepare for this, I can’t get a job without knowing the language. My parents brought me here a year ago to work and went back to their country. I have no attachments or whatever. Even if I can’t kill myself, starvation will kill me.
For those who want to reply to this post, answer me this:
What actually is the meaning of living? Why do you need to live, knowing that you will die, whether you want to or not.
So this is just a stupid rant so read or not. ..
Im sitting on a crowded bus with class dust and tiny fragments of glass from work stuck to my sweaty skin cos the air con is not working on this bus. Some guy has tried to jam himself onto my seat when its fucking abvious im having trouble folding my 6’4″ body into a seat made for a person who is 5′. I keep sweating and thatmmakes me more Iitchy.
I feel like everyone is staring at me. Anxiety thru the roof. 2 girls behind will not shut the fuck up!!
“Like totally talking bout their like important
Life and like how their boyfriends are so untidy at like home”. If we had relaxed gun laws in Australia they would be dead.
The two guys sitting in back speaking a different language are for sure talking bout me. Plus I can hear a radio going that is basically just static and quiet voices. Not sure if real but heard it earlier too.
Im on a bus cos I lost my drivers license a year ago for various speeding fines while driving escorts 12 hours a night as a part time job that endef up costing me money not making any. Another great decision scotty. Well done. Fuck it. Its times like this I really wanna jump off sonething super high. One last feeling of total freedom from this awful messed up self absorbed world. Im sick of it. I wanna get off the ride. Ive had enough thanks. Im not gonna do it just yet, but one day it will push me over the edge.
This is my first time reaching out here. Originally I signed up to reach out at a very low point but instead found myself trying to help others. The struggle for me is so real. I put “the smile” on to often. I find myself thinking about dying more frequently.. Driving home tonight I just cried so much that it was to the point where I couldn’t see. The thought came to me….”would it really matter if I wrecked and ended it?” I struggled to find a reason why not to. By the time my mind cleared I was in my drive way. Just have so much on me. Feels like blocks tied to my ankles drowning in the dark. I give so much until I have nothing left. I’ve known so much pain…so much horrible pain. I’m just so tired of feeling this way. I struggled with typing this out because I’m not use to asking for help. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just want this stop.
Please, can somebody help, even if it is just to talk? I’m at my wit’s end.
I’m no kid, I’m well old enough to remember the 80s. So, couple of years ago, I was getting on for that age when life begins (you know when I mean?) and thinking about being lonely. I’ve never dated anybody…hell, I’ve never done anything even most 13 year olds have done. Total level 1 noob at my age, ha.
Sure, I’d had offers but I was a robot who couldn’t feel romantic love. I felt nothing for those who had offered, so I turned ’em down (in a nice way, I aint a douche).
I could love my family, my few friends and animals but that was it. I was convinced that falling in love was fiction, made up by Hollywood. Stuff like that didn’t happen in real life.
So I made a wish/prayer/begging that if such a thing was real, please could it happen to me. I didn’t care how hard it would be, even if it pushed me to the brink. I just wanted to fall for somebody.
…and it was like my life was a movie. Everything leading up to me meeting them happened on dates that are very significant to me. There were too many to be coincidence. It was fated. I met them and, bloody hell! Everything about them was perfect. The way I felt when we talked…there are no words powerful enough in any language known to humans that can describe the level of sheer awesome! It was like, every rollercoaster ride, rock concert, kittens, ice cream and being able to fly, flying over London and screaming, “Yes! I am alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!”#
I unconsciously set the bar so high and one person jumped it! The only person who has ever bested me in my greatest skill…and did it will such flair, charisma and giftedness that I was doomed from the start. I fell and fell hard for them.
…and then…it’s unrequited.
I’ve been tortured by knowing this for over a year. It hurts, like a stone crushing my chest. Worse still because I feel it was meant to happen. Uhuh, I was meant to fall in love but…there was never any guarantee it would be returned.
The moral of the story is in the title…
I just broke down crying in front of my mom, I never cry in front of her.
Okay, so I know I talk my ex incessantly, but I never talk about my real pain. I am a caretaker for my 70 year old mother. I forgot to schedule her transportation (because she’s wheelchair bound) for an appointment she has had for months with her pain doctor.
My brain is scattered. I can barely put on my shoes and yet I am bogged down with EVERYTHING. I have to do everything under the sun for her because she is disabled. I also run a business at home and my only real free time is when I can escape to the gym… it was nice when I had my ex because at least I could lean on him for support.
I forgot to schedule transportation for her…. and she’s had the appointment scheduled for months. All day long I’ve been on the phone, trying to get someone to help her out. And nothing. It’s my fault. If she’s in pain, it’s my fault. Everything is my fault. I feel SO bad. She can’t get another appointment for MONTHS because the doctor is booked up. It’s all MY FAULT!!!
I feel so terrible. I told her… I told her that I probably shouldn’t be taking care of her. She looked scared but empathetic. Her choice would be a nursing home. I suffer from depression and anxiety… I have no business trying to take care of my mother.
I don’t know what to do……… To have this much weight on my shoulders…. I don’t wish it upon anybody.
The friend I got to know with a mutual fetish and I ended up really liking beyond. I don’t know what kind of relationship it was. More then a platonic friendship, yet no serious commintment.
I guess it is my fault that I love him. Him for showing me something caring, sensual and loving without wanting to get into my pants.
He broke it to me a week ago. When we saw us first and had a lovely day together and wanting to repeat it some time later he actually saw another one. A real, biological woman and not just some wannabe.
He said he was sorry that he lied to me for 2.5 years of pushing me away on purpose to not see him yet still flirted with me in skype Chats and Messages.
I don’t blame him for wanting a real woman, and something much closer to him. We live about 200km apart from eachother but we could’ve met. And we did. We met a few months ago. We had a good time talking but he pushed me away physically… he said it was just the long tip by car and one traffic jam after another.
As much as I understand him I can’t help to feel I was just an adventure… something odd and curious that you end up not liking and keep out of your life.
I don’t know how to feel, it hurt. But it seems it just added to the chilling emtpiness inside.
I forgave him but don’t know if I want to get a get too close again.
Admittingly… I guess I’ll be never be more then an adventure and love, as it is protrait, will never really be something to expierence.
Thanks for reading
I’m a compulsive liar. I lie about silly things like what food I had for lunch or telling stories with friends. I also lie about real things like whether or not I cut or that I lost my job or that I’m not an alcoholic.
Here is the truth:
I am a failure. I dropped out of school because I have no drive and hated who I was at school, but blamed it on my depression. I lost my job because I didn’t want to show up, so I didnt, I then lied about why I lost my job. I was supposed to pay my friend, and didn’t, and then lied and said I did.
I don’t know how to STOP LYING.
My bed is warm and safe. I like to be in bed because then I can hide away from the world.
I can dream and do all the things in my dreams that are virtually impossible (at least at the moment) in real life.
My cat sleeps on me and comforts me. I can play my 3DS and get lost in computer game worlds.
Sometimes, I get anxious and scared if I’m not in bed. I feel guilty because I feel as if I am wasting my life. But I don’t get any pleasure in going out where I live. It reminds me too much of the horrible things that have happened. Also, every time I try something new, no matter what, it never lives up to my expectations. That’s my fault, not anybody else’s. Hopefully when I see the doctor in a couple of days time, he can help me with that. (Real help is what I am hoping for, not cookie cutter therapy).
there is nothing in me but the desire for people to be people, for people to see people as people, and to know that this was and is a world worth fighting for.
there is hope, my god, for all the times we’ve been stubborn enough to destroy it, we have maintained it in equal measure. there are people, real people, out there with home in their hearts and you in their future and believe me, dear, they’ll love you as I love you: fully and deeply and truly, a bond between the living, the existing, the real.
oh, little one, if only you could know how much there is and will be for you. if only you could see the light that will fill their eyes when it finally clicks, when their lives intertwine with yours, when you enter their world and make it for the better. they will love you– fully and deeply and truly– and there is so much of you to love.
tomorrow, it’ll be 3 months and 18 days since i’ve last been in an institution.
i hope everyone’s been doing okay.
What happens when you’re young and optimistic,
But you grow old forget to be opportunistic?
What is it when you’ve loved and you’ve lived,
But now you hate and you’ve lost?
What do you do when you want to die at any cost?
Is life worth it if you’re not thriving at it?
All I want is happiness, why aren’t I striving for it?
Is it too much to ask, for this smile to be real?
It’s just a front, a face to conceal.
These tears flow like a river,
They come running out every night, as I shiver.
Why can’t I do it, just end everything?
Why must I endure this… This torturing?
There’s a volcano inside,
I try to keep it calm, but it won’t abide.
It’s not dormant anymore,
Ever since my life hit the floor.
This darkness, I want to attack it.
It always wins, it has a full metal jacket.
This is the end of the road,
There isn’t another life, not in this game mode.
I have nothing, no one to live for.
That’s OK, makes it easier to close the door.
We don’t always choose our demise,
I just wasn’t meant to grow old and wise.
This was my story.
Please believe me when I say, I’m sorry.
i get deja vu so often i don’t know what’s real and it makes me panic. my head is all messed up and tied in knots and i can’t stop thinking about how this isn’t real, this is all fake somehow, i’m fake, and it makes me suicidal. i want to feel real again i haven’t felt really real in so long it makes me sick. i’m panicking right now and i don’t know what to do anymore just that i want to stop pretending to exist
But how can I know that you are really capable of thinking and I am the only real person here ?
So I watched two Matrix like movies (World on a wire & The thirteenth floor) and this documentary and I’m back to the thinking world again.
What is life and how are we any different from, say, a rock? I can’t get my head around feeling like a character in video game. What if I’m told today by a supernatural being that this really is a simulation and I’m a Mario like character in it? What difference will this revelation make in my life? I don’t think it will bring any difference. I will keep suffering from same things I suffer now. The state I’m in, a factual truth won’t make any difference.
They say we’re aware of ourselves and our surroundings and that makes us different from animals and rocks. But our brain is a part of nature and product of ordinary evolution and so I don’t think our awareness is of any supernatural type. It is same as awareness of an animal, only a bit more complex. We can’t think independent thoughts. Our thoughts are based on memory and surrounding. Most of all, they’re limited by language. We just can’t think beyond our language and that’s quite a proof of their limitation.
I think what bothers me most is my suffering. If I’m part of nature, why am I suffering 24×7? Maybe suffering is part of nature, part of simulation? But suffering, by its very definition, means something is wrong.
In these movies they show that when a character becomes aware that his world is not real, he either goes mad or commits suicide or tries desperately to get into real world.
What about purpose? Purpose of a video game character is to win the game and reach its end. But then we should’ve been hardwired towards such a purpose. Why do we feel so meaningless and purposeless then?