bon voyage

So im a little afraid of dying which ive told myself is normal so im okay with that.What i cant figure out is why unlike other times i dont feel sad but i do feel suicidal.It bugs me cause i dont feel much of anything when it comes to emotions other than that fear of not knowing whats after this.Im still going through with it but it would be easier if i was feeling some depression along with it or some anger.Maybe i am empty inside i just dont know.My sisters leaving and i may hurt others if i dont stop my life.Im doing it for her i tell myself but im also doing it cause i dont want to hurt or feel pain.My dad said it perfectly the other day without realizing it.His mother died in her fifties and got her wish she never had to see her loved ones die cause she died before them.It seems selfish i know but im not like other people i cant just watch somebody die.My families all i have and i want to remember them this way right now.i dont want to see them buried or losing there body parts from cancer.So bon voyage people if in a few weeks im not out of here