I’m not even sure if I can tell what is real anymore. The last year is a blur. I lost my wife. I quit my job. I lost my drivers licence. And now I cant even walk.
Recently I picked a fight with the wrong guy who broke my nose and then my leg when i was on the ground. As I am getting the shit kicked out of me I yell “KILL ME” at my attacker who immediately stops. Him and his friends back away as I black out.
I wake up in extreme pain. My foot is pointing the wrong way and I call an ambulance. I can’t stand the pain in my leg. There is blood everywhere, its streaming quickly out of my nose. The police arive, I inform them that I dont want to press charges, what I want is morphine. I black out.
skip to now, I have a job which I can barely do. My parents are helping me but I feel terrible asking for money as they are just as broke as I am.
I am a broken man. The love of my life is gone and its my fault. She wont come back. I was about to start a good paying job before I got my leg broken, now I cant. My current job was boring when I could use both my legs. Now its almost impossible.
I cant do this anymore. I just cant. I know people love me, I know it would hurt them but I just cant keep going on this way. I know my leg will heal, I will just find a new and exciting way to fuck up my life again.
I dont think I can keep going anymore. Who would have thought a guy with as much potential as me would give up on life before he turned 26.
Its been a while since ive been on here. I was feeling more positive for a while then it all went to shit. There is something really wrong with me. I subatage my life on purpose. Maybe im looking for rock bottom. Since the last time i posted i took a little trip back to jail. My dad likes to call it summer camp in polite conversation. Lol. I was fighting a serious charge for class x home invasion in illinois which gives you 6-30 years in jail. Last time i couldn’t tell the truth. Not when what i wanted to say could have been seen by the cops. Anyway took a shitty deal. So guess what yep. I did it. I home invaded this piece of shit former friend. He robbed me 4 grand and 3 months later i go to confront the shit and he wont even open his door. I didnt plan on doing what i did. It pissed me off so much the coward wouldnt even come out. He steals my 4 grand and goes and buys fucking coke. Before i even thought about it i had kicked his door down and was punching him in the face again and again. The satisfaction of beating his ass just has no compare. Better than sex. I broke my hand on his face. It was all worth it. If i had it to do over id probably kill the worthless piece of shit. Treat somebody as a friend for over 5 years and they do that shit and laugh at you. Damn straight. Anyway went to jail after he called the cops. That was shitty. Get bailed out and they didnt have shit for evidence just this dicks story. Anyway was out for about year and 3 months fighting it. They revoked my bond cause i was smokin weed. Just cant stop myself. Its the only thing that makes me not wish i was dead. So they sent me back. Got totally fucked over in jail. They tossed me in the hole for a month spent 3 more there so like 4 months total in jail. How sad is this i actually liked the seg better than regular jail. Regular jail has lots of stupid rules and guards that fuck with your mind for fun. In seg they basically let you do whatever you want. Feel like banging on your door all day and night ? Go for it. Want to sing loudly ? Go for it. Never get out of bed to clean up your cell? Sure. Lol what are they going to do put you in jail? It was like being a monkey in the cage. Set off the sprinkler 5 times a day and flood the pod? Why not. There was something honest about it. It wasnt the mind fuck of regular jail. No hope. Thats whats great about seg. No hope. I went on hunger strike and demanded steak every day. Didnt eat for 14 days straight. Then i stopped drinking too. Why? No clean cloths. Yep they took my cloths. Left me with one pair for 8 days. Plus no showers. Started eating again. My teeth were starting to get loose and hurt like hell plus nails were peeling back. They were totally going to just let me die. I settled for a shit deal. Well not that shit. Plead guilty to criminal damage to property and get second chance felony probation. 2 years 200 hours community service.then it all gets wiped like it never happened. Hows that for justice. I bust into a dudes house beat his ass in front of his girlfriend and she comes at me with a maglight flashlight and i grabbed that from her and beat his face a good couple times with that too. He deserved it but still. They let me walk on that kind of shit ? Its all about the money. They want their fucking money there was about 3000 in fines and bla bla. Took that out of the bond plus 10%. So 4000 bucks. Ive been out since feb 17th couldnt take seg. They broke my soul in there. I thought i could do this. I cant i hate my life. Im not even a person anymore. Ive been smoking weed. Pretty stupid right. They can violate me now and sentence me to 1-3 yearz jail and perm felony. Im a second class citizen. I have to go see this dick every month. They havent tested me yet but im pretty much screwed. I have to go in on june 1st. I only lucked out last month cause there was a stand in guy and the month before he wanted to test me but forgot at the end. I just wish i was dead. Without smoking weed i just cant manage my depression. Its the only thing that makes me not wish i was dead all the time. Damned if i do and damned if i dont. Ive gained a bunch of weight stress eating. Feel like total shit. If i had to go back to that hell hole i think ill have to kill myself. Its just not any form of living i want to be around for. Its existing. Thats what this 2 year probation is. Felon so basically unemployable. Totally broke. Food stamps medicaid and free gov cellphone. Theres just like nothing worth living for. I cant wrap my head around the reckless hate in the world. Maybe thats why i fuck myslef like this. I just cant accept them running my life. Fuck their casino. You cant fire someone that already quit. I gave up a long time ago before my life really was total shit. Now that it is im too ***** to do it. Should have done it years ago. Hows that for lifes biggest regret: wish i had committed suicide years ago.
Fuck this world ! Fuck its creator! Fuck this reality !! None of us asked to be here !! We only die when we have something to live for but you can go all ur life jus wanting the peace of death nd will never get it !!! So fuck this world cant wait for it to blow up!!! #wherethefuckisarmageden
I’ve been battling depression since the age of 13. In my community depression is seen as a sin. So I developed an outer shell that showed the world all was well. At 33 almost 34 married to a loving wife and 2 beautiful daughters, how is it that I can be so blessed yet so empty? Why do I consider death as a reprieve?
People, when I have broached the subject tell me it’s all in my mind, I opened up to my wife and she says she’ll help but is indifferent towards me now. I’m not even hanging on by a thread and up to my eyeballs in debt, how am I supposed to continue this act?
I’m so tired. Ive planned my death in detail, in the most painful ways imaginable to the last breath and am so close. I’m tired of being told it’s in my head I’m tired of pretending and hiding the pain.
Had to ditch visiting my mum today cos I cant leave the house. Shes going thru a rough time but I still cant help her. Now im sitting hear hating myself, racked with guilt. The spiral begins. Been repeating this pattern for sooo long!!
Why can’t I be left alone why I cant be just left alone . I am once again being tortured by every one my mother my father my in laws im tired… Im telling my self not to cry … Every wants to control my life …..my husband dosent want to go home because of my parents …I just cant be left alone cant tell them I wanna go to utah becuse there gonna flip why why why . cant cry stop it . I dont know what to doo so lost ….cant even get a chance to fix my life …..Im not a big 21 years old im fucking 6 I forgot …
I need a break from all this sadness. From my own mind. This prison in my head. Im screaming but it cant get past these walls.
Voices clutching at my throat. Pathetic, nuisance, attention seeker, stupid. Is it true? Maybe it is. Im a monster. No other word to best describe me. I dont have a right to love anyone.
I cant bring anyone in here. I cant.
Im sorry. I didnt mean to hurt anyone. Im sorry for having depression. Im sorry for living.
I asked a few people who dont know I have suicidal tendencies about their thoughts on suicide and honestly its what I expected. My one friend said its the easy way out. Another told me that it took him something really difficult to understand why people do it but still thinks its stupid. Most people assume its people being dramatic, that its ‘just a phase’.
I cut myself last night, not the typical way of doing it but rather with inent to kill (yes I know it rarely works)… I would say its a phase if it werent for the fact that this depression was with me my whole life. I dont think its a phase, unless my whole life has been one long phase. I remember being really young with the thought ‘why dont I just thrust this knife into my chest’, no kid should think that!!!! I remember my first ‘attempt’ at killing myself, I tried downing Panado (paracetamol) it didnt really do anything. I dont think this phase will end.
Maybe tonight I should end every thing. End the weight that the girl I love feels. She told me that I put a huge weight om her shoulder and this had a huge effect on her. The end result which I gathered from what she told me was that she lost feelings for me, she has put me at a distance (who wouldnt) and doesnt know what to do with me anymore. She told me I must never mention my depression to her again. Why is this world so cruel, why in hell does depression cause you to be a monster. Why cant you just be loved for once, instead of always giving it out. I had to do a huge thing and build a wall around my depression because people cant understand it.
I may go ahead and try it again tonight. Nobody understands, they never truly understand.
Well if you have read any of my past posts you would know that I am deeply inlove with this one girl. I we got really close and I thought I could trust her. I decided to tell her about my depression because I didnt want there to be any secrets between us and she could see something was up. Well I regret that decision. She took it so badly and has pushed me away as a self protection mechanism. Now whenever I bring it up she avoids the topic. Last night I confronted her about it and she said and I quote: ‘Oh and dont always look at the negative side.. you take my absence as disinterest , your cant even begin to imagine how much i actually do care.. i just cant face it because i cannot handle conflict like that’
This is why I wont tell anyone about my depression and suicidal tendencies. Even though I am drowning and desperately looking for a source of hope I wont bring anybody down with me.
First off Im not saying that people here should be out there enjoying life, if they can great.
What I am saying is that in my mind, I have come to realize more and more that there isnt much wrong with the world, I just cant enjoy it.
There are people out there with good friends that they can connect with, or even the strangers that they meet. They can be creative and set goals, be satisfied with what they accomplish and fine with what they dont.
I dont think I can.
I am a mess of emotions and wrong thoughts. A sadist that sucks at life. If I want to fix the problem which causes me to suffer then I should end me.
Can i stop talking. My words are useless. I am numb and cant love even if i wanted to or when i done before
They say it gets better and I want to believe that. I have fought with depression for so many years I hardly remember before I had it anymore. Yes there are times when I dont feel like blowing my head off. But time after time the feeling comes back. It seems to be my brains “go to” thought whenever Im even the slightest bit upset. I have tried depression medication…. Many kinds…. But they dont seem to do anything for me but make me a tired zombie. I stopped trying to find one that works about 8 years ago.
My husband cant grasp why I feel the way I do, Heck I dont know why I feel this way half of the time. People without depression just cant understand. He thinks he must be doing something wrong and feels upset when I talk about how I feel, so I have just stopped talking to him about it. Why upset him over and over again.
Well like I said I do have some good days and while Im having a bad one I try and tell myself it will get better. I will feel ok again. But for how long do I have to keep saying this to myself. How many times will the depression rear its ugly head over and over again. Im tired, so tired. I just want to know that the light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train.
Does anyone feel the same way. Or am I totally alone in this
family out of sight
on this cold, dark night.
a deadly kiss
who wouldve known
it would end up like this.
A new year
the same shit
Had it up to here
cant go on
have no where to go
I dont belong.
and then she agreed to talk to me, like she did yesterday…..
and same as yesterday…..Nothing….
cant win for losing…..
and I was doing so much better…..
there are times when i feel completely numb and there are times when i feel as if nothing can bring me down. i am caught in a place where i cannot figure out how i truly feel. i am so sick of feeling like i have to block out my emotions because others around me cant understand it. i constantly feel alone, lost and out of control. i just need to know the reasons why i feel the way i do…
Just came from work, and im wondering how funny things are you know.
How pointless can we get, how hard it gets when one way that you can get conforted to live is that you know that you can die tomorrow somehow, this is sad, and deep, and it hurts.
How hard is to keep going when you got no proof of nothing , when you know that you can be great or nothing, but the only thing that u are sure is: u failed hard and you lost the light, is not only a loss, is even worst, is part of you, the living part?
And to help you out, you start seeing things that you cant believe, is it like a nightmare?
Than you loose all faith in humanity, and you start asking yourself, isnt it suppose to people have standards and shit? Well and the conclusion that u start to get is like, well people does, or they say, but in the moment of true they dont care, they are just selfish and liars.. and nobody really gives a damn if you hurted or hurting, or helping or those things.
I can talk for me, i dont wanna become a hater, a person full of angry, a dark cloud, someone that does not believe in nothing.
I hate the pain like everbodys else, but for me the part that kills you slowly and painfull is when u are stucked, when you have nothing to live for, when you lost, when you cant live, when you cant die, when you are offside.
And jizz to tell the true , im sure that theres people around that can relate to this, mix of feeling and empty at same time?
Before i publish this crap.. like a friend of us posted days ago.. im at, u write a full text than you delete it because you cant even understand if it makes sense. But i wont, got nothing to loose , maybe someone can relate to this 🙂
I haven’t been here in almost a year. I had lost my family and just could not cope. I got lucky and saved my marriage, kept my family together. I was instantly ok again. Well, it didnt last. I guess I have issues. I fucked it up again. This time there’s no fixing it. Now I see why suicides peak around the holidays. The thought of missing my family at all, let alone for Xmas, is terrible. Ive pretty much made up my mind. I dont even care about the method anymore. Im just worried about what happens to the dog, who gets what stuff, and how to say goodbye without giving it away. Honestly I’d probably do it without tying up loose ends anyway. If I didnt feel too paralyzed to get out of bed I’d be gone already. I dont plan on changing my mind. I feel zero sadness at the thought of death. Relief if anything. I just need to vent because we all know we cant talk about it to people we know. And the one person I’d talk to is gone.
My life is more or less over. I don’t want to write my story, my brain just stopped working altogether.
From what I tried to discover, there is life after death, we just cant know what it is. So the only thing is belief that the next life will be better, nothing else. Dont panic.
It’s 4 AM and I havent slept a wink. I’ve been having trouble falling asleep lately.
I just passed the time cutting and burning myself. I still cant fall asleep.
Fuuuck! I hate this!