I have not died yet i have to wait a few days to see if i get sepsis from what i did and die.no one can know.no matter how much pain im in.i have to get this right it has to be perfect.im even considering doing something else tonight that might speed up the process possibly if i can stay awake since i took all my meds for the second night in a row really got to stop doing that so for all my other suicidal people hopefully you wont see me ever again in a few days if this works
Ive done what i had to do now its just a case of waiting to see if it works or not
I have until two weeks left before i attempt again i wont say when exactly cause im very paranoid my accounts been hacked and this information may be used to stop me.but i wont stop.i know i am evil and should get rid of myself before i do harm. I am also quite tired of living a life of poverty of fighting parents and of lonlieness im tired of failing at suicide and hope this will be it.i have been on here far to long talking about my failed attempts i think id like to leave to suicide project permenately with a final goodbye if i can. I will make sure to say that before i do anything.
I tried electructing myself today but it didnt work.i poured water on a chord and stuck it in the wall even attempting to bite it at one point but nothing happened.i dont kno what im doing wrong i shouldnt have tried to kill myself today anyway as its supposed to be after my birthday this month but i figured if i got electrocuted what did i have to lose.i have to die cause im evil ive been staying up all night for the past couple nights hoping a heart attack would get me hopefully it still will cause electrocuding yourself seems like it would hurt.
2018 has been shit it started close to the end of 2017 so many friends just up and flew the coop now i want to up and fly the coop thats fair if those fuckers can just abandon me i should be able to do the same thing but no my parents put me on fucking lock down like literally theres locks all over the house the .Thing is i don’t even want to die i just want to self harm but when they found out i was using the stove to burn myself they turned it off hid all the razors to so i now swallow whatever i can to block my airway unless i can get ahold of pills then ill take those to the problem is its hard to block your airway so you cant breath i. Either swallow the stuff or it gets trapped and is super painful then you sit 6 hours in the er in pain to get the surgery to remove it the other half the time i attempt suicide but im to afraid to complete suicide so i go to the hospital for help so ive been reading a couple post and i to think i need to get wasted and jump from ssomewere if taking my meds and alcohol doesnt kill me first so remember mom and dad you brought. This on yourself.
Im entering a poetry contest january 31st if i win ill have something to leave behind for my family in march though not much if not well i tried my best ill leave a note so wish me luck theres three winners and ive won before at a poetry slam thats got to mean something
I found out you can poison yourself with honey and get botulisum my dumb mom told me by accident ive been doing good so far haven’t been in the hospital or overdosed but i did put my hand down a garbage disposal two weeks before Christmas it did little damage however knowing that fact when mom told me has fueled my addiction were im thinking of trying this though im not sure cause i don’t want to die but i don’t know how to stop myself any other way without telling someone who wont turn me in or take away my freedoms like police or parents if i had friends id give it to them but there all gone or busy.i already stole the honey.i don’t know were to turn
the days are going by so quickly.Soon my sister will be going away and all i can do is try to leave her before she leaves me.Honestly its not fair.My sister doesnt even say she loves me sometimes she treats me terribly and yet i cant live without her cause ill be alone.I have other family but theyll leave to.they always say they will.i dont want to be alone.
Theres more two days ago i realized i was evil.The voices told me when i was fourteen i was now i realize that to be true.if i dont die someone will be hurt.I dont want to feel pain or hurt.and i dont want to cause pain or hurt while im alive.so i have to die before my secret is told or i do something unforgivable.theres no one i can trust with these bad thoughts except maybe a gun.im scared to die i just dont know how i can live feeling dirty and unclean.the world will better without me.Im scared to do this but in a few weeks i will really try hard to end my life
I was wondering something the other day I broke out with a massive amount of hives after holding my guiean pig i think im allergic anyway i was wondering if i was to swallow some of the hairs do you think i would get hives in my throat.my friends dont care about me anymore all my Christmas shopping is done they can figure out which present is theres im gone if not i will eventually use a boxcutter to cut my wrist or throat. I need to do this soon in two days as my sister is coming home and they are bringing company i cant be in that chaos either hopefully I will be gone if not well ive failed a lot so i got to keep the if nots out of my mouth
I don’t know anymore why my mind is constantly consumed with suicidal thoughts. Things aren’t great but there not bad.so can someone tell me why on earth i want to take my hand and put it down the garbage disposal and turn it on.why am i actually considering this in late September to early October. Cause honestly i don’t know anymore.but its so tempting
So i ended up in the hospital in January got out in February and im no longer suicidal unfortunately the only reason that is because of fear fear if i fail at an attempt ill get sent back and if i fail there’s a new worry my mother told me as well that if i end up in the hospital for more than a month then they’ll kick me off my ssdi that means ill have no medical insurance either and as much as I want to die i don’t want to risk failing and losing my medical insurance i need to get it right this time but i don’t know if I can
I failed again :(all they did was forcefully pump pills from my stomach and ship me off to a mental hospital for three days worth nothing. I drew a picture on the wall with a girl with a noose and they thought to keep me longer but mom wanted me home. Wish she would have left me there.now i have to contemplate doing it again cause its not gonna stop till im dead.but i wish it would. Pills are useless.i need to be more creative. I will try drinking dishwasher soap this time . though I don’t know when. And i hope these are my final few post in the next coming months
It’s me i haven’t killed myself yet still thinking of January or just before. My father may have something wrong with his kidneys and i don’t want to watch him die my god mother has something wrong with her heart and i know death is approaching fast so my death must approach i am only worried about leaving my mom without money especially if dad dies im a big part of what keeps money coming in.i don’t know how to change that in fact it breaks my heart.i know they’ll be looked after by god even after im gone i just worry about them.im not even sure if thisll work but i got to get out of here
Am i honestly tired of trying? Yes.ive attempted suicide several times wrote and went through with it but at the last minute i got scared and sought the er this always seems to happen to the point were im expecting ill end up there. I came close to death once unexpectedly overdosing on sleeping pills i was feeling really uncomfortably sleepy and begging my mom to not let me go but that didn’t stop me from trying again that wont stop me now from trying again.to some it would seem were does it end my sister said im putting everyone through a lot of stress and worry but once im gone i feel like all that will blow up into one big ball of hurt and then i can never hurt them again right now im just making random attempts not really caring what the results are but its all to prepare for a serious attempt and why do i want to do it well im a twisted peverted freak so i can never have kids even if i did get past that i wouldn’t be able to take care of them cause im a failure im also afraid of being alone in this world and clueless as to how to survive if i lose my parents plus i don’t want to be without them therefore random attempt number one starts in January but i don’t know what im going to do yet pills or lack of fluids for sixteen days just got to be careful almost got sectioned the other day for burning my foot
Ive posted a lot on this site and though the battle to end my life has been unsuccessful im thankful for the days i do get with my family and hope i fail this time to though i think i may succeed this time.i have something called a conversion disorder which means mental stress converted into physical symptoms so temporarily i can’t walk or move or sometimes even speak based on stress and it’s gotten worse as my suicide date comes closer i believe its a sign that i may not make it this time and that is scary yet i cant stop at least not on on my own and not without being stopped.my best friend knows my secret but shes going to let me do it shes going to let me end my life i love her so much but i hate her for that.but im not trying to kill myself this time either she knows that so it’s okay.im trying to save it.you see i have the urge to die so i figured i would try and satisfy my urge in a different way by making myself physically sick instead of killing myself by overdosing only on a certain amount of pills large enough to make me ill but not enough to kill me.i just have to not over do it to much so i wont die just be in pain
So lets see if I can explain this i have attempted suicide so many times its become like an addiction. But ive always been saved cause ive always gotten afraid and get help after ive done something. I don’t want to live but im afraid to die.i can go half way through with suicide and take the pills i can stand on the bridge but i cant jump and i cant not call for help cause im afraid.
But lately the urge is there again and i have to do it failed attempt or not cause it’s like cutting if you don’t do it the urge gets stronger till you go mad.im not really all that sad though I have my reasons for doing it other than it being a strong urge.lets just say i don’t feel very secure about my future as a friend of mine told me today,.my future looks very bleak especially after my parents pass on i wont know how to survive without them. So as a result my life may or may not be at a halt depending if i can go all the way this time without seeking help
Ive just read this book im not even finished but in the book boy sets himself on fire as a suicide attempt.and for some reason i cant stop thinking about burning a huge portion of my arm on the kitchen stove at the highest temperature. The good news is its got my mind off killing myself im worried about catching my building on fire in the process. Im worried i may not be able to stop myself. I worry about doing damage i cant repair.i told my friend though i don’t mind if i lose the arm.it’s ugly and maybe itll mean ill never be able to hurt myself again with just a stub
I just got out of the mental ward two days ago for downing thirty pills.but no one took that seriously so i was only there four days and one day in the er.today i find out that a guy i liked in high school is in the icu on breathing tubes cause he tried to kill himself and odd as it sounds i wish it could have been me.i wish i could be on breathing tubes dying.no one cared about my flawed attempt cause im a regular at the er if i was dying maybe someone would seriously help me but because i make flimsy attempts no one cares.i want to jump of the bridge near here but i don’t have the guts to jump all i do is overdose and save myself by going to the er.and what for they just send me home afterwards.its annoying failing but i cant live either.i want a boyfriend but i worry hell want a kid and ill be a horrible mother and hurt my kid.i want to go to college but i dont have motivation to go all the way,in other words ill drop out.i want to be happy but i constantly fear people dying and leaving me.its why im trying to het off this planet before something seriously goes wrong and I cant escape it.my mom doesn’t want me to try again but shes not in my shoes or she would put the gun yo her own head and pull the trigger
Im an angry person at 22 i don’t need a boyfriend or a kid anytime ever till my rage is under control.yet everyday i long for those things or just something I can have and feel this sense of belonging or accomplishment.right now my sisters and brothers are in college but i cant stay a week before dropping out so ive given up.my love life is non existent and i dont know if ill ever have one cause ill eventually pass on if not from suicide then from the damage of failed suicide so thats out.my sister kindly told me over the phone that my parents are eventually going to die ive known that to be true but when she brought it up i realized im running out of time and when they do die i will really be screwed cause i have no skills to take care of myself and will probably be homeless.i cant talk to my best friend about any of this cause shes changed from being the suicidal best friend i related to and is looking to the future that I don’t seem to have.i don’t even know that itll last cause she has a boyfriend now and no longer confides in me about anything including him.im so damn lost.i was doing good i hadn’t been in the hospital in weeks and i was happy then today it all just died and i don’t know why.im not even sure if i should make an attempt as my friends birthdays are coming up but if i don’t get out of this cloud tommorow i will have to make some tough decisions
How do you have everything going for you and yet still find yourself just going to screw itup for reasons that aren’t entirely valid right now?
I made up with my best friend, I have my first ever guy friend, and things seem okay.but my fear of the future is causing me to want to end my life.my younger sister has my same fear ironically enough shes afraid of turning eighteen this year cause my parents will divorce forcing us to have to choose who we want to go with mom or dad.i don’t want to choose id rather choose suicide shed rather leave to texas with her boyfriend before they leave her.but for me its deeper than that people are growing up so fast forcing these changes upon me that I don’t want to happen.i enjoy my family and I can’t stand not seeing them.my older sister in particular.i miss her. I can’t cope with it.i mean I don’t have many friends already. And though I have a guy friend now he sees me only as a friend and doesn’t love me.no guy will ever love me.And so I want to try dying cause I don’t know what else to try and quite frankly im tired.
At the same time im conflicted cause my younger sister might do something crazy if I do die this time.so not entirely sure what I can do for her before I go.