Dear ex father,

You know. I don’t know how you would act if I told you I was depressed. You would probably give me a useless pep talk then get mad when I don’t change like she does. I’ve already talked to them all. But I won’t talk to you. I can’t. You left. I remember when you told me that you were going. You were smiling and I was begging but you still left. I cried at school. People made fun of me behind my back. You made me lose my confidence and trust with people. I slowly realized that you would not be coming back. But you call. And I don’t anwser. You leave messages. But I delete them. One less person to talk to is one less person to pretend for. That’s the one good part of this. I know she was hard and tough to live with her but imagine how she is now. Always angry at the tiniest things. I don’t understand her. I don’t like what she likes. She only likes superfluous things. I used to be so happy to talk but she ignored me and I slowly stopped. Even now. She just…she’s hard. She makes me feel awful. She made me lose hope. Every idea I got that would make me happy, she shot it down if she didn’t agree. She is no beyond seer so of course she hates all my ideas. Everything that made me happy was wrong to her. Because of that I’ve grown to not like anything, I’ve grown to lose my fight. And I can’t change. I know I will never be happy anymore. I cut myself you know. No one knows though. I’ve been wearing long sleeves. What would you do? Would you care? You left. Do you even care anymore? I was going to write a note to everyone, even you…but I’m not doing that anymore. No one will understand I understand that now. It will be very awkward to see you in heaven. I’m hoping God has a plan for that. Because you are part of the reason. Or at least you helped create it. I thought I had gotten over you but  someone mentioned you and I had to fight back the tears. It was just the last straw I guess. It let all the other reasons come out and spill. I kept holding it in. Later when we were in the movie theatre I had to leave because I couldn’t hold it anymore and everything came crashing down. Don’t flatter yourself, it wasn’t all about you. You were nothing to do with why I was upset then. Why I finally broke down and what happened. But you know what? The one person who helped was Johnny Cash and his songs. That’s what let me stop. Not you. Johnny Cash. I’ve never even met him. He is dead but he can make a better connection with me then you could ever. But hey at least you don’t make me cut myself. That rite goes to the wonderful family here. But sometimes I cut because I’m so lonely and different from all the rest. That is part of your fault because you made me mature faster than anyone else with the pain so I didn’t fit in anymore. I realized all my faults too, you made me become insecure. You shouldn’t have left. It’s stupid and pointless saying that but I really wish you hadn’t. But then maybe I would have changed just the same because of something else. Plus I got to realize early on what the selfish and bad people in the world are like. So I can spot them pretty easily.

Your ex daughter, stargazer

Ps. She is divorcing you. Of course you must expect this right? You did leave.

Pps. Play this at my funeral