Hello everyone,
Just found this site and it’s brilliant. No one to talk to but here. I’ve always been pretty emotionally dead in side, not setting out to hurt people or anything just never really felt anything. Met this girl in my late teens and that all changed, I was madly in love and genuinely cared for another human being. Four years and a child who I adore. However then she starts going out drinking with new friends, I didn’t care until I kept catching her lying. One night she goes back with someone else and I kick through the door and the police remove me! She left me even after that I’d take her back in a heart beat. The most amazing thing is never having to feel sadness ETC after a particular crazy childhood. I felt it when she left me, constantly. I thought there was only one, one decent human and no matter what I did (paid for everything and done everything so she could get through college ETC) she still fucked me. She then covered up for her friends and said they didn’t tell her to get with anyone else ETC. Still lying now, I want to kill her friends just on principle. I’ve spent the last year with everything going to shit, fucked up work, drug abuse, violence, living back at home with my mother the first time since 11. This balancing act is insane, I have to make sure multiple lives don’t interact. Wow you open up once and everything turns to shit. I’ve literally not opted out yet because of my son. But it’s getting worse, I don’t want to go back to the old way of different personalities and everything else that goes with being dead inside. She was so perfect and still is. I feel like I want to die or at least disappear for a bit. Sounds strange doesn’t it, but this is just the truth, something that I’ve never told anyone. Yes I have lots of “friends”.
5 comments
I too have a lot of “friends.” I have two therapists that barely help me. I take Keppra for epilepsy. 1,500 mg in the morning and 1,500 mg at night. That is what is causing my depression. My family doesn’t help either. Neither does my invisibility cloak.
I can completely relate to “at least disappear for a bit”. I have been thinking about running away for a few days. I have been editing my suicide note for a while now. I am hiding behind a fake smile and my family and “friends” know it. They just don’t care to take time and talk to me. Especially “her”. She has told me, “I am here for you, you can talk to me ANYTIME, everything is private.” I have been reaching out to her for the past two weeks. She is making excuses. I am too busy, don’t have time, bla bla bla.
I know what you mean, it’s a long life ahead of just ball ache. I have no idea what to suggest to you. I only ever get one feeling at a time.
Running away or disappear might be a good option but I think about your son and what he needs from his dad. I grew up with a violent father who destroyed my ability to have relationships with men so I know the value of a father with a good heart such as yourself.
I think its really ballsy to love and open yourself. There are so many fakers out there who we unwittingly open up to and the risk doesn’t pay off, but hopefully in reading the stories of others here you’d know that there are people out there running away from the same madness that you have witnessed.
The madness is a constant, that’s my ex wouldn’t take me back. I love my son but cannot stop thinking about killing the people closest to him, what sort of father does that make me? Suicide would be a must, I’d get so bored in prison. It’s not about opening up with me, I just don’t care, have no emotion apart from with her. I can’t see myself with anyone else and if I was I’d resent them for not being her. Hardly fair.
I think you want to kill the people around him as a means to protect him, to stop the from hurting him like they did you. You want to keep him safe, even if it seems an extreme thought. I think it’s natural given your suffering.
The constant madness will drive many away, that is something I can very intimately understand. It’s exhausting being on the other side too, I will admit. It does steal your own ability to look after yourself.
I think your desire to get out of your situation is a good one. Your subconscious is telling you to take a break. Do that, a holiday with something physical so your mind doesn’t dwell. You’re suffering will pass and leave you with an ability to love your son in a capacity you’ve never understood before. I know my relationships are much deeper because of it