I am under a great deal of stress at the moment. It’s finals week at school and I have my Algebra 1 exam tomorrow. This test will not only determine if I’m going to pass the class, but also place me into a ranking chart of students heading into Algebra 2. Ever since I was 11 years old, I wanted to be perfect. My dream is to go to Harvard, but I’m so stupid and ignorant that that probably won’t happen; nevertheless, I feel as if I have to get a perfect score on this test in order to determine my self worth. If I don’t pass this exam, I won’t get into Algebra 2, therefore destroying any sense of accomplishment I had left in myself. (Although I didn’t have any to begin with.) This test is giving me a severe panic attack right now, and I can’t even focus on studying for it because I know I’m already going to fail. This test is important. This test is determining my future. This test is a crooked game of survival, and I know I will most certainly lose the battle.
I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t handle the constant stress, the overwhelming feelings of depression and anxiety, the unbelievable sense of failure. My friends and family don’t listen to or believe my cries for help. Help. Something that seems reassuring, something that seems within my grasp, yet I know I’ll never get it. I’ll always struggle, always be a burden. I’m sorry I give people grief and sadness when they see me, I’m sorry I can’t be perfect, I’m sorry I rant out my problems to people who already have enough of their own. I’m sorry I’m alive…
She loved me. She loved that I was a doctor. She loved that I helped people. When she talked to her best friend about me, she gushed about how I was a kind, generous, caring person that l loved kids.
I loved her. I loved how full of life she was. I loved that she was always trying to better herself. When I told my friends about her, I told them she was perfect. Warm, sunny, gentle. The perfect girl for me.
We named our future kids. Picked out our future house. Chose our future dog. She wanted it all. I wanted it all. We both did, with each other. It didn’t matter that our age gap was so large. We loved each other.
I’m alone now. She abandoned our dreams together. She didn’t just take her own life, she took mine as well. “You have hundreds to replace me,” she said. As if I could find someone better than her. Maybe I could find someone “better.” But there’s no one more perfect.
I want to go to her. I can’t go back to my job; I couldn’t help her. I can’t even help myself. How do I help other people? I’ve been hospitalized three weeks, and taking medication. I keep seeing a therapist. I don’t feel better. I know my parents and brothers and family and friends would miss me. They’d be heartbroken I’m gone. They don’t want me to die. But I’m already dead. I want to see her again. I want to go to her and be with her. If she’s not anywhere at least I go to sleep and the pain ends.
I’m trying so hard to stand up again but it’s so hard. I took everything life had to throw at me. My ex fiancé walking out on me, my ex girlfriend abusing me, losing so many people, I always kept going. But this broke me. People tell me they need me, but I needed her. I can’t do this. Not without her. Not without us. I’m so sorry. God forgive me, I’m so sorry.
In 2004, I was pondering about means to commit suicide during two months. I suffered from post natal depression after my second child’s birth. I lost ten pounds in a week, slept about two hours a night, I felt numb most of the times . Each time I felt the pain rising, I played with a knife, or pills, or I went out thinking about getting a gun. I wanted to die, but I was not sure I could succeed, and another failure was out of order.
So one night after the pain was so acute, I got drunk and afterwards, I felt so low that I thought I had to chose between death and life, that there is no way I could go on like this.
So I decided to live and to accept my failures. Each night, I cried for two or three hours every night at first, then six nights a week, then five, … Two years later, crying was occasional.
In my country, depression is not well known and very few people know where to go for professional help. I had to deal with the problem alone, without medication, not even knowing why or what I was suffering from.
Crying a lot helped alleviate most of the pain since I did not think about suicide anymore. But I have insomnia, moods, I feel tired most of the time. I guess in some recess part of my brain the problem is still there.
But the most important thing is that pain may recede, and will recede. Twelve years later, I am still here, not one hundred percent perfect, but still finding happiness in my life.
I am so confused. People know me as a happy person. They dont see me getting angry. I’m not the type of person who show anger. But deep inside I’m hurting and crying. I rather cry on the corner and let it go. I feel blessed because of how lucky i am. I have complete parents, i have sisters, i have so many friends. All of my problems feels like i want to end my life. But a guy came to my life and changed everything. Were two years from now. And i love him so much. Im thankful that he never leaves me. I rejected some guys courting me because i have a boyfriend. But one day, he confessed that he have feelings for a girl and he sees something that he dont see in me. damn that girl. She’s a *****. Dont fall for a guy who is taken already. I’m getting angry, the angel inside me is turning into a devil. I’m hurting right now, it feels like i want to cut myself but i dont want to feel the pain. I’m not the perfect girlfriend, or perfect daughter or perfect sister. T_TT_TT_TT_T
I have noticed many many posts from college students (high school as well). Graduation pending upon final papers, examinations… HOW HAVE YOU SURVIVED? What has gotten you this far? Where do you see yourself going, in a perfect world(omit suicide, not an option)? What are your dreams, hopes and aspirations?
As for me I am an adult learner, 32 about to graduate with a B.S. in psychology-God willing I pass this last class. I have survived. I have gotten this far. I can’t recall how or what. But where I see myself going in a perfect world is to normalcy. The boring humdrum life of the average person, that’s what I want in a perfect world. My dreams/hopes are to make a difference. I aspire to be the best me that I can be. And NO ONE can tell me what that is, only I can say for me.
I started a new job today, my first full-time job in six months. I wish I could give it a chance, but my mind won’t let me. So many times today I asked myself why I dragged myself back into this grind when three months ago I was so ready to just say fuck it and end it all. I feel like now I’ve just taken on more expectations and added a whole new set of people I’m probably going to let down the next time I have a really bad couple of weeks. Part of me clearly doesn’t want to give up, but the rest of my brain is telling me I foolishly got my hopes up and sooner or later I’m going to pay.
I know I would feel differently if I had some sort of drive, or thought I had a decent chance at a meaningful life, but I don’t see a reason to think that. The things that lots of people find meaningful – family, love, relationships – are exactly the things I want to get as fucking far away from as I can. And despite all my dreams of finding a perfect job, in real life there are no perfect jobs, even the best jobs have a lot of drudgery. So it’s just grinding for five days so you can maybe enjoy yourself for two, plus dealing with family obligations and other bullshit. I can’t say there’s anything I really want out of life that would make that seem worthwhile.
It’s strange. Just some minutes ago I was feeling numb and empty and now my feelings are taking me down. I stare out of the window asking myself “Well, would those stones really kill me if I jumped with my head ahead on them?” Then my other voice decides for me: “Too risky, the chance of surviving and end up in a clinic with everyone thinking you’re mad and idiotic and eventually leaving you too is just WAY too high…” Wow. My mind sure knows how things work and what makes me feel better again. Not.
I’m in this I-hate-myself-can’t-do-anything-anymore-but-being-depressed-I-just-wanna-die mood again, if you know what I mean. I’m so pissed off by this, everything is just awful while being in this mood. My mind is annoying, I sometimes really want to live without feels, I imagine it to be so relaxing, but well, probably this is also no perfect option though… Whatever, I mean it’s not as I could change it anyway, so why do I even bother?
I’m tired of pretending that nothing is wrong with me. I’m tired of hiding my depression from my friends and family. I’m tired of feeling alone. I just want to escape the path I’m on. I saw a boy in my grade succumb to death, and I didn’t even shed a tear, yet I really want to be with him right now. I’m tired of being the perfect girl, and pretending it doesn’t effect me when someone calls me a skank, cause I’m not. I’ve never even kissed anyone. I’m tired of being the pathetic one that my best friend has to console. I’m tired of living like this. I just want out for a while. I’m tired of this shit.
Did I plan on being dead by now? Yes.
Am I ready? Yes.
Then I got the phone call. A shot at a job in my field. I have to take it.
It was easier when I could add up all the pain. The lifelong depression, the disconnection from relationships, the alien-like quality of being in my own body and mind, and to top it off: my career at a standstill.
It made it perfect timing to leave.
This job won’t make me happy. I already know the routine. Nothing will ever make me want to live.
But if I get this, maybe I can muddle through a little while longer for my family’s sake. They mean the world to me and I would hate to ruin them.
Now that I may not be forced into a corner, I can really think about this.
Might as well give it a go. Death will always be waiting.
I usually only post here when im feeling down or having one of my harder days. But today I just wanted to check in with some positive thoughts.
Today my life is still not perfect but it is better. I pulled through the dark thoughts I was having and even feel grateful for the family I have and the life we have together. Things are not perfect but that is ok. I doubt things will ever be perfect. There will always be things to be upset about but today I am focusing on the good things.
Thank you all for putting up with my dark side lol. I am grateful for having this site to vent on as well. I appreciate you all.
You are the most perfect you there is.
I’m not saying you are “perfect,” hence what society considers “perfect.”
I’m saying that the reason why you are perfect, is because you are you.
You are perfect at being you, because you are you.
There is no one who can be better at being you, than you.
Nobody can be you except you.
No one has the same laugh.
No one has the same smile.
No one sheds the same tears as you do.
You are a very cute specimen and you deserve a hug.
I don’t think I could do it in someone else’s house. Is that too cruel? To change the way they see it forever? Not like they would be the ones to find me, but still. Though it’s the perfect opportunity.
I made some changes in my life. I wasn’t happy at my job, so I quit. I’ll need another job eventually, (I’m considering going back to school this fall, even) but for now I’m a house husband, blogger, working on some cosplay (because I wanted to grow up to be an Imagineer), preparing my first novel for self-pub via Amazon, and working on a second novel.
Life isn’t perfect.
Eventually savings will get low, but we’re okay on money for now. Maybe my novel will actually make some money, but I’m not pinning all of my dreams to that star. I’m taking the time to learn how successful self-pub writers promote their books, though, so at least I’m making an effort to succeed.
I’m not happy happy happy all the time, but I’m happier, which is nice. My confidence in myself comes and goes in spurts, but not having had the stress of work for the last few weeks has been tremendous for me. No customers accusing me of willfully not helping them at the behest of my corporate masters, no deadlines to meet other than those I’ve set for myself, and I finally get to spend every evening with my wife and my dog.
Life isn’t perfect, but, for now, I’m doing a little better.
The past so many regrets so many mistakes not even from me but from her so what my soul mate came back for me so much damage has been done and she has put herself in a complicated situation she can’t back out of her future will be complicated for so long even though she wants to share it with me now sge cant it was suppose to be our future the perfect future not this soon I’ll speak to a recruiter I still can’t have the perfect dream life might as well have the perfect dream death
I know this for many years but I constantly forget it. When I was 16 I wrote a poem about wearing a perfect mask being perfect on the out side as I died inside.
And I forgot that all I am is a doll for famliy do what they want when they want it. My husband I am toy for I enjoyment that’s all ,my in-laws A robot.
I should be dead the amout of Close calls should have left me dead .
But I realized a long time ago I am worthless shell who has to be dead inside to make everyone happy. Cry myself to sleep and hate the morning sky.
Its not like I haven’t tried to make myself happy but its not worth it. my role in this world is to suffer internally while my mask is perfect.
I am worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless. Why shuold i die when i can suffer everyday and one day when I die ill probably suffer there too..
I wish I was dead but im meant to suffer Im.forcing myself to go live with his family in lake tahoe and eat there shit because thats what I ment to do im not fighting anymore.
I will die inside i wont say a word I will be the they want a toy to throw aroud hollow no feelings dead . no matter what
hi, my name is Julianna and this is my story.
I’ve been bullied like crazy since I’ve moved to Alaska. I’ve made some bad decisions and I regret them very much. Boys here like to take advantage of me. I always saw the good in them. They ask me to be their girlfriend. After a few days in the middle of the night they ask me to send them nude pictures of myself. They tell me they love me and that this is what people that trust and love each other do. I sent them. Recently a boy I’ve like for many months did this to me. I fell for it again. I always saw him as a perfect angel. After I sent him the pictures he sent them and showed them to everyone. I don’t even know some of the people that he showed the pictures to. Now my life is finally over. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m suicidal again. I was 3 months clean until now. I need help. If anyone could show me or help me please let me know. Everything I could possibly have left from the hell I’ve been living in has completely left. I hope you read this and never do anything like what I did.
Why is it that everything I do comes out wrong? I never get anything perfect, everything is a mistake, a failure. Well it makes sense because I’m a failure too. What’s the point of me living if I just ruin everything? The only time I try to help others, no one ever appreciates it. Fuck it! I wanna die!
I heard this site was a perfect place for a person like me. A perfect place to write down thoughts, express feelings, as well as support others. I never thought my life would turn this direction, or if i would ever have to resort to a place like this. Its scary, thinking thoughts like this..Taking these steps.. Baby steps.. It seems like its the only solution.. To a permanent problem.. My future is damned.. I’m not sure what i want to do… I’m pretty sure i’ll be back tomorrow to post, this feels nice.. Sorry if this is a shitty post by the way, like i said i was just looking for a community that could be accepting, and a place to write thoughts and stuff down..
My tear soaked pillow mourns the absence of drought
The piles of tissues in the corner regret their existence
My heart begs to beat again and feel the warm embrace
The confusion sets in with unbearable force
If only I were perfect would you like me? Would you come back?
Would you realize that your words sting like sandpaper?
Or when I cry it feels like acid
If only you understood what really happened
If you could only listen
Hear my frail cries
If I were different
Would you notice?
Or would it matter to you if I wasn’t there at all.
I don’t want to feel this way anymore
But the war keeps going on