Not for anything but I’m so sick of feeling lonely and insecure and useless and inadequate. For once in my life I’d love to have a friend or a significant other stick with me and tell me that it’s going to be ok, that I have a life worth living. Sometimes I just have to be reminded, because the self pep talks are useless.
It’s probably extremely pathetic on my behalf, but I’ve recently started talking with my ex again. It’s stupid but I miss him. He’s married to an absolute ***** who’s driving everyone away from him, and I’ve warned him numerous times to get out if the marriage before it’s too late….but that won’t happen. I’m so sick of being used for selfish reasons. I’m so sick of giving pep talks and giving advice that I myself should be following, yet on the inside no one truly knows the immense pain I have to deal with on a daily basis.
I’d love to start over again, where my body was still sacred, clean and not violated by men I trusted (granted I let them do it and went along for the ride because at that point I just didn’t care anymore, and craved a male’s attention so badly due to a lack of a father figure…stupid I know)
I wish the urges to take my blade and slice my leg and arm would subside. I wish I could talk to a stranger without having immense anxiety. I wish I could do simple tasks without the imagery of me hanging from the ceiling constantly showing itself. I just want to be normal. I want to stop feeling so damn useless and pathetic and broken. And if I say any of this in greater detail to my therapist or ***** of a psychiatrist, I’ll be sent back into the looney bin. If anything that shit hole made me feel worse.