Not sure if my post fits in with the purpose of this site, but I need somewhere to vent… I am actively suicidal.
I am 24 years old. My mother had borderline personality disorder, depression, etc. She killed herself 5 years ago. I could have the same disorders but I’ve never seen a shrink to get diagnosed. My father has since re-married and moved away to another state… we don’t talk. I feel so alone all of the time. Life feels like such a burden, I am just going through the motions… getting through each day. But why? What is the point? I feel no love- I feel no reason to carry on with my life. I am so tired.
I an effort to try and cope with my depression, I started drinking HEAVILY ~4 years ago, and more recently using heroin. I am now physically and mentally addicted to dope… a fucking junkie. Of course the dope only worsened my problems 10 fold. Not only am I now in crushing debt due to my habbits, but I am deathly afraid of withdrawal. The anxiety, cold sweats, restless legs, crushing depression is too much to handle. I literally come so close to blowing my brains out every time I stop using… then relapse. My girlfriend on 6 years walked out on me a little over a year ago… well I found out she was cheating on me… I’ve been alone ever since. I see no good in the world anymore… I have nobody. I feel delusional, erratic, confused, anxious, alone… I just want it all to end. I don’t want to die, I wish I were never born. I’ve never meant any harm to anybody… I’m generally a really selfless person, only in hopes that somebody will notice and care/treat me right…. never works that way… people continue to fuck me over and walk all over me. This isnt about attention… I’m lost
Things are not looking great, I don’t know what to do…. I have nowhere to turn… nobody … scared
2 comments
I suffer from severe Borderline Personality Disorder, among other disorders. I’m relatively screwed up in the head and it’s horribly beautiful.
It does sound like you MIGHT have the same or related disorder, but it could also be due to your addiction and depression in a vicious cycle.
The addiction itself could be a symptom of BPD but not necessarily… Most of us with BPD find ourselves in an addiction cycle. Luckily, or unluckily for me, it was people although I almost caught myself moving towards alcoholism this year. Yay for me for being broke! Can’t afford alcohol! And yay for me for being depressed, Can’t get motivated to get money for alcohol! Sorry, mood swing… O.o
Anyways. Addiction is pretty messy, I’ve dealt with addicts all my life, and the problem with most treatment is they tend to treat the addiction as the problem rather than treat it as a symptom to the problem. I’d advise you to seek help in figuring out what may or may not be going on with your mind right now, from there you will be able to seek the right help in overcoming this addiction, which of course will improve a lot of aspects of your life alone.
If you have any questions however, don’t be afraid to ask.
Matty, I’m in a similar boat. My parents died in an accident when I was 18, leaving me and my brother (15 at the time). Since then everything’s fallen apart, and my brother won’t speak to me. I totally get what you mean about feeling utterly alone. Unlike you, though, I couldn’t get a girl if I had a wad of cash, so I wouldn’t know what it feels like being cheated on or walked out on after 6 years, but it sounds excruciating, especially on top of everything else. I never had the chance to try drugs or even alcohol. I’m ashamed to admit what my addiction is ’cause when people learn of it they invariably laugh. But it’s just as life-controlling. I’d really like to talk with you more about this in private. At the least, I think we can both empathize with the feelings of loss and abandonment and evaporated control we both have. And dude, I couldn’t be more there with you when you say you keep trusting people and it never-never-never works out.