I RAISED MY SON TELL HE WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD, THEN HIS MOTHER DECIDED TO TAKE HIM BACK. HE IS NOW 25 YEARS OLD. I WASNT ABLE TO TALK TO HIM TELL HE WAS 16 YEARS OLD WHEN HIS MOTHER WANTED ME TO TAKE HIM BACK. HE DIDNT WANT TO COME BACK TO WASHINGTON, BECAUSE HE HAD A GIRL FRIEND THERE AND DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE HER.
HIS MOTHER THEN THROUGH HIM OUT AT 16, BECAUSE MY SON AND HIS MOTHERS BOYFRIEND DIDNT GET ALONG. ANYWAY, ME AND MY SON STARTED TALKING THROUGH EMAIL. ONE DAY HE WOULDNT ANSWER MY EMAILS FOR ALMOST SIX MONTHS. I WROTE… WHY ARNT YOU ANSWERING MY EMAILS SON, IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG, ARE YOU OKAY.
ABOUT THE SIXTH MOUTH OF WRITING HIM, I WROTE… IF YOU DONT ANSWER MY MAIL, IM GOING TO REPORT YOU MISSING, AND SEND A SHERIFF TO FIND YOU, I DONT KNOW IF YOUR DIED OR ALIVE. SO PLEASE ANSWER.
HE FINELY WROTE, SAYING…. I CHOOSE NOT TO TALK TO YOU, YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME, BUT WHAT DID YOU EVER DO IN MY LIFE TO MOLD ME INTO SOMETHING, HOW CAN I SAY I LOVE YOU WHEN THERE WAS NEVER A BOND BETWEEN US.
I DID EVERYTHING FOR MY SON TELL HE WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD, WHEN HIS MOTHER TOOK HIM BACK. I EXPLAINED TO HIM HOW I RAISED HIM, HOW I CLOTHED HIM, HOW I MADE SURE HE WENT TO SCHOOL EVERYDAY, HOW I READ HIM BOOKS EVERY NIGHT AT BED TIME. DOING WHAT A SINGLE FATHER SHOULD DO. I WROTE HIM, SAYING… IM YOUR FATHER, I DID WHAT A FATHER IS SUPPOST TO DO, I LOVED YOU THE WAY A FATHER SHOULD LOVE HIS SON, AND YOU SHOULD LOVE YOUR FATHER THE WAY A SON SHOULD LOVE HIS FATHER. THERES FATHERS OUT THERE WHO DO NOTHING FOR THEIR CHILDREN, BUT THEN STILL LOVE THEIR FATHERS, BECAUSE THATS THERE FATHER.
THAT DAY, MY SOUL DRAINED FROM ME, I LOST MY SON, A PERSON IN MY LIFE I LOVED VERY MUCH, AND WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING FOR. AND WHEN I SAY I WOULD DIE FOR MY SON, WELL THATS WHAT I FILL LIKE DOING. I CRIED AND I CRIED, I CRIED TELL I COULDNT CRY NO MORE, MY SOUL PORED OUT MY BODY FOR HIM, AND LEAVES ME NOTHING MORE TO LIVE FOR. I FEEL I FAILED AS A FATHER TO MY SON. I DONT KNOW HOW I WILL EVER RESTORE WHAT IS LOST. SO NOW WHAT…………?
17 comments
I can’t offer you any advice, except for the fact that I had a pretty shitty father, and that you don’t seem like one. When my dad left, he never sustained contact with me, and once I stopped responding, he never texted or called or anything, wondering if I was okay. I guess my point is, don’t doubt your parenting skills, to me, it sounds like you tried your damnedest to give your son what he needed. I’m here if you want to talk.
I would have killed for a dad like you! Children generally learn through example more than instruction. but now that he is older all you can do is keep letting him know you’re there and you care. Life is not perfect and he will appreciate this in time. He will not forget (even if he pretends not to know now) what you did for him as a child. I assume you paid child support. All that is what counts. No need to mention it.
You know, the latest research on developmental psychology indicates that much, if not most, of our adult personalities are already pretty well defined by the time we are 4 or 5 years old. This may be difficult to believe but it is true. So your influence on your son has been much more than you both probably realize. At the same time, he is at a difficult and rebellious stage in his life, which is natural. He is struggling for his own identity.
You just be Mr. confident supportive and understanding Dad. You have not failed. But let go of the preconceived notions of how things should be and instead focus on how they are. Often we, especially insecure and confused teens, say things they dont even understand, much less fully mean. Let him come into his own, over time. Just let him know you’re there. Dont be controlling: “You dont love me like a son should love his father.” or “I did this that and the other thing.” Be careful also to not be or overly emotionally dramatic, but go for cool, confident, loving and supportive.
When he says those things to you, It is important to let him know that you hear him and recognize what he is saying, even if you dont agree. You say..”Just know how much I love you, always have and always will, son.” That’s all. You have to know when to let go. And remember that life is in the details. Little things can mean a lot… even if it is not immediately evident.
You can write him without demanding he write back or demanding anything of him..just a simple, ‘Thinking of you. Hope you’re well. Hope to see you soon, Love Always, Dad.” Once he is more responsive things will improve. You will always be his father, nothing can change that. That you care is a gift but smothering someone with issues in pursuit of alleviating your own insecurities and frustrations is not necessarily the most positive approach. Patience, love, support, attentiveness. Not being defensive, apologizing for mistakes or for things not having been better, making sure he knows the divorce was not his fault. With time things should get better. At the same time boundaries are important, so do not let him abuse you unfairly. You can just say, “Im sorry you feel that way, the truth is I love you very much and would do whatever I could to make things better. If you do these things you will teach him through example and be the best dad you can. Stay positive. Stay proactive. Read a good book on the subject if you can find one. Share your life with him when he is ready,. But until then, little things, notes in the mail. emails can mean a lot even if he is too proud, conflicted or immature to realize or admit it at the moment. He’s still a kid at 16. Try to have visits if he wont come to live with you. You’re the father. Teach by example. Do not allow despair to destabilize your emotional well-being,,(if it does, seek help) and especially do not allow it to creep into your dialogues with him. All the best
Your story made me tear up. My Mother pushed me away from her when found out I was Transgender, and decided that she wouldn’t speak to me again. But here you are, actually wanting to be there for your son, and he pushes you away. You’re so right when you said that there are kids out there without love from their parents, but they love them anyway. ‘Cause deep down inside, I still love my Mother. Even though she doesn’t support me in any way.
My suggestion would be to not give up … don’t give your son ultimatums and don’t try to force his hand. teens and young adults notoriously do NOT appreciate the efforts of their parents. Your son has spent his formative years being brainwashed into believing you did nothing. The best thing you can do is to ALWAYS be there despite not being recognized for your availability, And maintain your composure – don’t get angry – prove your love through actions and availability. Send him pictures of your time together to remind him you were a large part of his life, relay a positive story to go with it … don’t “insist” that he remember and acknowledge the moment/picture just let the picture and story jump start his past memories.
you cannot regain the past … but you CAN build the future. Remember, you’re not dealing with a child anymore … you’re dealing with a young adult. Admit your mistakes and shortcomings with humility but LEARN from them – build on the lessons – become better. Prove that you have always been there and your love never diminished by showing that it is there today, tomorrow , next week, next month etc. undying unending … but be modest and do NOT expect to be recognized for it – if he does acknowledge it – that’s icing on the cake but let the act of love be it’s own reward.
I had a similar situation with my daughter … I was persistent and constant in my love and positive availability even though she often lashed out and said harsh things … now many years later although our relationship is “not the same” … she did me the honor of asking me to walk her down the aisle at her wedding … that is no small request – that, despite our difficulties is considered a very high honor.
Hang in there
paternity dawg
Dawg,we are on th same wavelength…frankly,I think we are damn fine amateur psychologists and counselors!LoL…..th only difference in our responses was that you stated that the boy was brainwashed his whole life by th mom tellin him his dad was not there…See,it seems to me that after he gave him to the mother,he did not pursue him or take the steps to be in his life in any way…therefore it seems that he is responsible for the rift. Its on the parents ,not the kids ,to have a relationship with them….SO- Misanthropic Dawg Counseling and Therapeutic Arson Services??
I think its awesome that you were able to forge a relationship with your daughter after the rift…
Yeah – we’re on the same page … but reading capslock typeface is difficult. The OP does actually state “HIS MOTHER DECIDED TO TAKE HIM BACK” … the operative word being “Take” so the OP may not have had any legal choice or say in the matter … that’s not to say he couldn’t have done more than just disappear for 8+ years so that is a good catch on your part. All of these types of situations are unique, and heartbreaking. One thing that concerns me is the OP seems to have an air of entitlement to a certain level of love and respect … nope … the biological connection give him an “in” … it cracks the door open so to speak, but everything else needs to be earned. And it don’t matter what the past held or who was at fault … it needs to go forward – as we both stated – consistently and positively.
That said, we can always armchair QB how the OP acted but we cannot know without honest clarification … maybe he could not afford a lawyer to secure visitation – as it was we do know they were geographically separated by a considerable distance making regular visitation a hardship. We don’t have enough information to know if the mother was uncooperative in regards to phone and mail contact – I know from personal experience how easy the custodial parent several states away can deflect attempts to contact the child – I have another (adult) child who I have not seen since the age of 12 … I don’t know if I ever will … yeah, that makes me sad, and it makes me question my past actions – in my situation, the mother was insufferable to even have the most rudimentary conversation with – she’d always try to rehash “blame” for the past … in truth some mine, some hers and all bad, I felt it the better option to not subject my child to the never ending conflict of which she had no problem or shame of using him as a shield or as fodder … sickening … and heartbreaking. So I chose the sacrifice – right or wrong – that is my cross to bear – my choice/responsibility … if my child and i ever reconnect, I will need to beg forgiveness and hope to be forgiven, all I can do is hope the logic of my decision makes sense above what the child felt was needed/deserved.
The situation with my daughter was difficult but I always had visitation so until her late teams I was always involved in her life therefore the memories relatively fresh. But having little opportunity to consistently convey my values meant I was always fighting a losing battles when her mom consistently reinforced the idea that I was a no account bum who didn’t pay support. (I later debunked this to my daughter when she was an adult by producing the years of records showing that I did pay what I was ordered – to be a fly on the wall when she called her mom a f-ing liar – squeee 😉 )
So I’m not as quick to cast all blame in either direction – circumstances can make for excruciating decisions. Ultimately it is equally both parent’s responsibility to rise above their personal issues for the good of the child born into a bad situation.
As for ” Misanthropic Dawg Counseling and Therapeutic Arson Services” … I’m down … as long as you do the majority of the typing 😛
therapy dawg
*”late TEENS” … not “teams”
I see your point,D. Without more info, theres no knowing why he was absent so long,and of course,there may very well have been a lot of trouble due to the mother being a spiteful asshole(perhaps it might be better if YOU do the majority of the talking once we open up the advice booth-ala Lucy from Charlie Brown-because I have an occasional tendency to use indelicate, profane, character -branding expressions like “spiteful asshole” and it might come off a tad unprofessional:) Anyway, YES-I,too noticed the tone of his post,and at a certain point it came off like rightous indignation–And theres absolutely no place for those feelings in this situation. In most cases, the biological connection does NOT inspire obligatory love and kindness-theres no way to go at it -as you stated perfectly-but to BE there,and be patient. You cannot change the past but You can build the future..to thst I will add:there ARE ways of dealing with th wreckage of your past-(heres where my 12step witchcraft comes in handy-lol) Taking responsibility, making a sincere apology, and making amends if possible.. but these things too can’t be forced.-the amends I mean. The right opportunity will come for amends at some point.. OK I’ll type,but it will be neither fast,or punctuated correctly…..or grammatically correct…or profanity- free. As long as you’re not concerned about ANY of those trivial things, We’re in Business!! THE DOCTOR is IN. (Picture a card that says IN on one side,OUT on th other,) Oh!-The Fee….im thinking we request remuneration in the form of something less traditional than like..money. Any good ideas? . I love capybaras,myself..and creme’ brulee’….also-cream puffs…
Im sorry youre carrying that weight (of the lost child) around and its just disgusting that her mother valued drama and spite over her childs well being . DAMN despicable,and its practiced to perfection by selfish F-tards worldwide.(Did you notice my profanity restraint ,just then, on fucktards?I think your polite manner is really soaking in:)
Well,sir…8 years absent can make even the most agreeable kid resentful. Im surprised that you did not address this in your post.You said that you were his sole parent and caretaker until the age of 8,at which time,you simply gave him over to the abandoner and then ceased contact..That is not compelling testimony to a kid who barely remembers you,if at all . Why do you expect this information to mean anything to him? .If you had wanted to, you couldv been there his whole life through by phone and by visiting . This is the sort of thing that can really fuck a person up. You know that he was mistreated in his mothers home. You failed to be there and protect him .You are not taking full responsibility,from what it sounds like and youre not expressing remorse and contrition to him . These are crucial elements to building trust and a relationship of this nature. Its important to hear you take responsibility for being absent. Blame his mom all you want,but the bottom line is STILL that you gave him away into her custody and into a home where she chose a stupid asshole boyfriend over her own son. That stings,bro. For years…You are expressing sadness and frustration for YOURSELF ,and I understand that this is painful, BUT your sense of bewilderment and unfairness concerning the way he has treated you , is seriously misplaced and laced with denial.You have failed to apply empathy to his situation,so that you may have a better understanding of his pain and his reasons for choosing not to maintain contact. I realize you’re hurting deeply over this…as the father you need to empathize ,and then accept his decision. I think theres a very real chance that he will come around and lay down his shield,and want the relationship with you,after all. Many kids come round to acceptance and forgiveness after some time has passed,IF th parent has made genuine admissions of responsibility,and sincere apologies and remained available . You could periodically message him and tell him you’re hopeful that one day soon ,he will message you back and possibly be open to establishing a friendship . I wonder..do you believe that you have the right to expect him to treat you as a parent after being MIA the majority of his life? He doesn’t have a bunch of memories with you,because he was so young…I don’t say these things to be hurtful-I assure you,I do not. I do think a blast of the truth is quite jarring and ultimately helpful,because it can help ease you into understanding.Youve done little or nothing to show him that youre there and will not abandon him again..so BE THERE. Email him weekly (or monthly if thats too much for you) but dont FAIL to do it. Show him you mean to be in his life when hes READY for you. Theres always a chance IF you keep the door of communication open by messaging him a short kindly worded missive regularly..Rifts like this one CAN absolutely be healed – so try to be strong and be the steady ,kind, man you seem to be. DON’T give up on him.
Very well said
to the ones who said i did nothing to contact my son. MY SON HAD FOUND THE LETTERS I SENT, FOUND HIDDEN IN HIS MOTHERS CLOSET. HE CALLED ME ONE DAY AFTER READING SOME OF THE LETTERS. WHEN I ANSWERED THE PHONE, HE SAID…. IS THIS MY DAD. SO I DID TRY TO KEEP CONTACT. IT WAS SHORTLY AFTER THAT, THAT HIS MOTHER WANTED TO SEND HIM BACK TO ME.
MY SON HAS BEEN ON HIS OWN SENSE THE AGE OF 16, HE CONTINUED TO SCHOOL HIMSELF ON HIS OWN, AND NOW IN COLLAGE, AND HE HAS NEVER BEEN IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW. BUT HE THINKS I DID NOTHING TO MOLD HIM INTO ANYTHING…. HE’S DOING IT ON HIS OWN!
Ok,I see…she withheld your letters. How wretched of her,to deprive her child of your interest and love…I think we can all agree that this kind of warfare-using the kids to hurt and spite the other patent-is truly selfish and disgusting.. I think its great that the boy has never been in trouble with the law..I do hope that you will continue to message him regularly,so that its just that much easier for him to reach out when he begins to feel inclined to ..This is not over,JJ….stay ready:)
ALSO, WHEN MY SON LIVED WITH ME, I LET HIS MOTHER STAY IN CONTACT WITH HIM, I LET THEM TALK OVER THE PHONE, BUT SHE WOULD NEVER COME VISIT HIM. AND WHEN I SENT HIM OVER TO SEE HIS MOTHER FOR CHRISTMAS, SHE KEPT HIM ON ME. I INSTANTLY LOSS CONTACT WITH MY SON THAT DAY. UNTELL HE FOUND THOSE LETTERS I SENT.
Omg…JJ that’s SO HORRIBLE! I wish you’d have had the power to reclaim him.See,this is one of those situations where I begin to feel that a more direct ,decisive and stern action was perfectly justified—but its all in th past now,and no use contemplating homicide now..Like my brother always said “no use crying over failure to drown a despicable person in spilled milk”
I REALLY DONT DISPUTE HIS MOTHER KEEPING HIM, SHE PUSHED HIM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. SHE WAS A GOOD MOTHER. I CANT SAY I COULD OF GAVE HIM THAT BOOST IN LIFE, BUT TO KEEP ME FROM HIS LIFE WAS A MOVE SHE REGRETS. MY SON IS STILL WITH THAT SAME GIRL, SO IM SURE HIS CARING FOR OTHERS COME’S FROM ME. I SHOWED HIM ONE DAY AFTER HE WAS MAKING FUN OF A LITTLE BOY ON HIS SCHOOL BUS, BECAUSE THE BOY WAS FAT. I SAID TO PUT YOURSELF IN THAT LITTLE BOYS SHOES, NOW HOW WOULD IT FEEL TO HAVE SOMEONE CALL YOU FATTY, FATTY.
THE NEXT DAY, HE SAID HE WAS FRIENDS NOW WITH THAT BOY, AND TOLD THE BOY SORRY FOR SAYING THOSE HARSH WORDS. HE STAYED AWAY FROM THE OTHER BOY WHO ALSO MADE FUN OF THE FAT BOY THAT DAY. IM VERY PROUD OF MY SON BY THE WAY HE TURNED OUT. HE IS VERY SMART, AND WELL MANNERED. THE SAD THING IS, HE KNOWS I FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT HIM, HE IS A GOOD PERSON.