my lame, never ending story

My story is different. I never thought I would end up here, but here I am, struggling with everything. I can’t remember the last time I was happy.

In the spring of 2012, I met my best friend. Let’s call her Anna. She was pregnant and we instantly began doing everything together. My boyfriend and his best friend and me and Anna would do everything together. She had her son in August and everything changed after that. She was always a mild person. Never got into any trouble. From September 2012-June 2013, the four of us got into all kinds of things we shouldn’t have. Drugs, partying, you name it. A close friend overdosed in June 2013 and the four of us stopped partying. But Anna and I didn’t.

I’ve always struggled with depression. I never told anyone until her. One of my earliest memories was getting upset at things and going in the closet, shutting the door, and crying all night when my parents thought I was sleeping. I am married to the guy I was dating when we all partied together and he’s amazing. But I’m not. Anna and I continued that lifestyle from June 2013 to December that same year. He proposed to me and I picked to lead a “normal” life with him. After our friend passed away he has been anti drugs.

Anna meant so much to me. She died in march from a heart condition (don’t know exactly what it was. But her heart was overworked) and no one saw it coming. I was having a sleepover at her new apartment (she had just moved in at the end of January) and j found her dead body. Ive been to plenty of wakes/funerals, but nothing can compare to seeing the untreated, cold, lifeless body of the person you love most dear. I called 911 and they told me to get her off the couch to try to give her CPR. I will never forget the feeling of her dead face (had to feel for a pulse) and how stiff her arms were.

All in all, this experience losing her has pushed me off the edge of the fucked up mountain that is my life. I moved to a different state, where I have no one but my husband. He is enough. he is amazing. But I dont deserve it. I feel so alone and empty. I would give almost anything in the world to have Anna back. I dont believe anything happens when we die (although I wish I did), and she insisted many times there was nothing when you die. Im so scared to die a slow death. I’m such a coward. I just wish I could get a hold of a gun. My first love killed himself with a gun four years ago.

There is so much more to my story, why I hate myself, and just how often I think of Anna. There is literally not a minute of my life that I dont think of her. She took the little good in me with her. I no longer have any interest in living. I just wish I knew if I would see her again if I died.