I’ve been in therapy for a while, meds, doctors, everything for nearly a year now.
sometimes it’s easier, i don’t have the constant rush of suicidal thoughts and images, i know what my triggers are and how to stay away.
and i have friends and family that love and support me. good job. own place. own car. pretty decent life, on the outside.
they don’t know that this dark hole of suck is still eating at me inside. lately it’s been particularly bad, which is how i found this site. I’m tired, and even surrounded by people, extremely lonely. i feel hideously ugly and worthless, there are days i want to take a knife and peel the skin from my face, just to have scars outside to match the ugly that’s inside.
they don’t know I’ve been stockpiling and hoarding pills, pain pills, my meds, whatever. I’ve tried overdoses before, but i have a uniquely strong constitution i guess, i just wake up alive the next morning and start over again. i haven’t had the amounts and the variety that i do now. I’m home alone all weekend with nothing but time. I’ve told everyone that I’m spending the long weekend finally organizing my home. they don’t know that i have issues with the thought of dying and leaving laundry and housecleaning… so when I’m done it will just be hours of silence with me pondering which method to use as my way out.
I’ve made promises, and i feel shitty that I’m not holding up my end of things, but that’s life. I’m supposed to contact my doctors when I’m feeling this way, but they’ll only try to lock me away again. I’ve avoided it so far, i doubt I’ll be lucky enough to escape them again if i tell them how I’m feeling. i don’t want to burden anyone with it, so it’s all inside. they don’t know.
2 comments
Have you tried a suicide hotline? Samaritans or some other? What’s that song, sometimes you need a stranger to talk to.
So true, just because you have all you need in life doesn’t mean you’re happy on the inside but few people who don’t suffer depression realise this, I hope, as Randall has mentioned, that you find someone to talk to, you’ve recognised it’s not good to hold it inside.