One of those days…

Thank you for understanding. I don’t think I have really talked about my story. I will try to keep it brief but I apologize in advance for rambling.

It is psychological pain. At this point, the pain and suffering is horrible but I don’t even know where the pain is coming from anymore.

Since about 15 (I am now 38), I have thought about suicide and self-harm. I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. At about 25, I had my first acute suicidal event which led to a 5150, voluntary hospitalization and ECT. I got through it. About three years ago (I was 35), I had another acute suicidal event and I am still not through it. I am exhausted. It is so hard to keep fighting.

The situation: I had an awesome career at a prominent consulting firm (not trying to be arrogant but in hindsight I recognize I had a really good career and I squandered it). My job was challenging and fun and I traveled to interesting places around the world BUT I worked 70-80 hours per week.

When I was about 35, I started to realize that my career wasn’t meaningful to me any longer nor was it consistent with my values but I couldn’t cope with that truth. I couldn’t admit to myself that everything I thought I wanted for the past 12-13 years was NOT what I wanted anymore. I had no idea what to do about it. I kept convincing myself that my career was really what I wanted so I searched for ways to make it more meaningful. But that only led me to working more hours because I took on more work that I thought would help me feel that my job was meaningful. All of this led to a 3 month leave of absence and my first Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP). My partners at work were incredibly supportive.

I returned to work but within 4-5 months, I was back into that bad spot – work, my life, career, etc. weren’t meaningful. Again, I go back on leave but this time for 6 months. My partners at work were still incredibly supportive. I felt so lucky. They even visited me in the hospital and sent flowers and emailed me almost daily. I spent two consecutive months in the hospital plus a few days here and there on 5150s and 5250s and doing my second round of ECT treatments. Well, again, I convinced myself that my career was what I wanted and wondered how I could possibly leave my job when I have so much support from such senior partners. They really believed in me. I wasn’t used to people believing in me so it felt so incredibly amazing. How could I quit when they seem to really care about me? I felt that I owed them something. No one has ever been that wonderful to me or truly believed in me. It was an amazing feeling because I didn’t even believe in myself.

Well, I was back at work for only 2-3 weeks when again, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. I am not sure if I am resilient, hard headed or stubborn. But after about 5 months back at work, I went on leave again for 14 months. I did PHP two more times plus a full year of DBT classes and twice weekly DBT therapy, plus psychiatrist weekly, etc. I have done so many treatments over the past three years.

Well, after two previous leaves (oh, my work sucked terribly before each leave of absence), my work partners were losing patience with me. I totally understand. I am amazed they were supportive for as long as they were… so after a 14 month leave of absence I quit my job. I haven’t worked in two years which has been horrible for my self-esteem and confidence. The worst part is that there have been times when I felt really well and ready to go back to work so I went on a bunch of interviews. But, I started to experience discrimination.

Even though I worked at a big consulting firm my area of expertise is really a small world. I would go on an interview and they would really like me then all of a sudden they decide to go “a different way” or the position requirements changed or whatever. I was trying not to be paranoid but I was suspicious. My suspicions were confirmed when a recruiter contacted me for a senior position at a company. The first two interviews went well… then I got a call from a former colleague because she was asked about me by an individual at this company. She called to find out “where my head was.” It just confirmed everything I thought was happening. I have been blackballed which made me feel hopeless again. It hurts so much that I spent so many years building a great reputation but it was so quickly ruined. After going through all of this, I lost my ambition, motivation, hope, drive, desire, etc. The job rejections killed me. I became suicidal every time I was rejected.

Ugh. During all of this, I was set to kill myself so ate horrible food for about three months and gained about 100 lbs. Not kidding. I have stretch marks on my abdomen, breasts, inner and outer thighs, and my arms. I’ve dropped about 70 lbs. just by eating healthy but although they have faded, the stretch marks are still there. My clothes obviously didn’t fit which meant not only was I trapped in my psychological pain but I was trapped in a body that wasn’t mine. I have always been very fit. I think I overate so much too because it seemed better than burning my arm more. I just wanted to hurt myself. I My arm is pretty scarred. I am not ashamed because it is part of who I am but I still feel like I have to hide it from family and friends.

I stopped speaking to everyone in my family (but my mother) about a year ago. My father tells me that I have nothing to be depressed about, my siblings call me crazy and lie about me and twist my words. And since I am “crazy” everyone believes them. I am now the black sheep of my family.

If my life isn’t meaningful, I can’t live. I don’t know why but I can’t. I have been searching for meaning and purpose. I was accepted to a part-time master’s program at a University in England (I live in the USA). I deferred the year I was accepted but started last January because I convinced myself that this degree would be the answer to my problems. I had to take a suspension from studies because my brain was fried and I wasn’t sure it was the answer. I couldn’t think, write, process. So, I am scheduled to start again in January which is my last chance at this program. I hope I can do it but I am doubtful because I have lost all motivation, ambition, drive, etc.

Sometimes I miss being in the hospital. I actually prepared part of my master’s application while in the hospital. For some reason being in the hospital helps to clear my head. Sometimes I just want to go back just so I can actually think clearly.

So sorry for rambling. I am nervous about posting this because I think my dad is right – I have nothing to be depressed about… I created this mess myself. If you made it to the end, thank you.

Thank heaven for my cats. I love them more than anyone.

Colleen

Thanks Rocko. I appreciate your encouraging words and taking the time to read my long post. You make a good point about starting over. On good days, I am trying to tell myself that I am not starting over, I am just beginning from where I am. It is just so hard to keep motivation or ambition for more than a few days or a week or two if I am lucky. You are right – I have been trying to take small steps. When I am blessed with a few days of motivation, I tend to be productive so I usually take a small step forward. It is just that the process is really exhausting and sometimes (most of the time) it is really hard getting up after getting knocked down. Thanks again, Rocko