I realise things will never get better for me. I’m a an ugly retard with no personality or talent and I have chronic mental health problems (borderline personality disorder, social anxiety). This life is futile, I’m a moron and there is no point to my existence. But how can I end it when there are people who love me and vice-versa? My aunt adopted me after my mum died and she spent years, $1000s, and energy treating me as her own despite my differences and what I put her through. I think it would tear her apart. But what’s the alternative? If I stay here I live in misery, I negatively affect everyone who comes into my life, and I’ll wear down my family until even they give up on me. I know in the grand scheme of things none of us matter, the universe will continue existing for billions of years and my death (and life) will mean nothing. But who knows what comes next… If you’ve experienced this consciousness what’s stopping us from being given another? Religion sounds like BS but maybe there is a Hell. How do people get the courage?
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You shouldn’t say that about yourself. I’m sure you’re not what you say you are. My BPD says a lot about me I know isn’t true, and it’s so hard not to believe it after a while, I know.
A friend once told me everyone has meaning in this world, but the meaning they give themselves, just like the meaning we give everything despite the futility of our world. I disagreed with her when she told be I meant something, but I now see I was wrong.
You need to give things a huge amount of thought before you begin going down that road. Don’t throw your life away just yet, you’re stronger than that. I think I’d better start following my own advice 🙂 I hope you’re with me on that one
Isa
In the end we all die and find out.
In my honest opinion…….
When you/I/anyone truly does all we can, could have,,, and with nothing to show for it…. its simply time to go.
But serious effort must be put into living, doing what we can to at least be happy some of the time,,,,
Or else…….
It is simply time to die.
The courage to kill yourself? I don’t know. I am waiting for it. Almost my entire family, my friends and former colleagues all gave up on me… even my doctor. They were supportive at first but there are no quick fixes to mental illness (not even ECT which I did two separate rounds of in my life). When I didn’t get better quickly, they lost patience, call me crazy, I am not invited to family events (birthdays, celebrations), etc. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter to me. I can’t live for them. I have to live for me. When they started acting like arseholes and treating me crappy, it made it a lot easier to leave this life. I am only here right now for my cats. I truly don’t care how my death will affect my family or friends.
I think it’s anaIng that people can have such a bond with animals, but at the sane time they’re so pure I have a hard time not connecting with them. You have some very lucky cats!
Thanks Asura! I don’t think I ever really felt loved or truly gave love until I adopted my cats.
Late nights on my phone never fail to produce mistakes :L
Awww 🙂 Sometimes that’s the best thing for a person – taking care of animals as beautiful as cats. Even though they were wrenched from me in the end and sold, being able to bring up four different puppies at once was a dream for me ( their mother was vicious ) so I sort of understand how you feel.
I’m hoping to adopt an animal soon for when I live alone.
I adopted each of my four cats during/after a time when I was acutely suicidal and in the hospital. So each one has a special story. LOL My mom even snuck one into the hospital once. And after my first program of ECT, I kept forgetting the name of the cat I had just adopted (fucking ECT!)
That’s got to be amazing. You truly are in that aspect lucky, barring everything else you’ve dealt with – I’m so envious of you. I’ve always had an appreciation for nature and all animals, and what you have is so beautiful.
That’s lovely of her 🙂 hahaha!
ECT.. Sounds very serious. I do hope you’re doing better now? Oh!! And we’re probably going off topic here, I’m sorry! I hope the mods don’t decide to remove this.
Haha. Yeah. Thanks!
ECT was intense. I did two rounds. Each was about 10-15 ECT treatments. Killed my memory. Worked the first time but not the second time. I am okay this hour. but the past three days, I have been intensely suicidal. I don’t know how I survived honestly. I feel like I am just waiting for that impulsive moment to kill myself. I stopped the elaborate death planning – just going to drive into a wall when the time comes…
Oh dear. 🙁 you sure have been through more than I. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way.. Other treatments for your ailment must not have worked out.
And oh my god, I feel just like that. Those impulsive moments are in a sense liberating for me because it’s almost as if the choice is out of my hands.
Of course there’s another dog that I brought up who is waiting for me in the place I grew up. If you’re here on this site you don’t need anyone trying to coerce you into reconsidering, so I won’t ask you to despite my feelings – I would be sad if you did though.
Thank you for your kind words.
I have been through so many treatments… ECT, Partial Hospitalization three times (at different hospitals), In patient 6 or 7 times including once for 2 consecutive months, so many 5150s and 5250s, a full year of DBT classes and therapy, so many meds… all in the past 3 years. Plus weekly or twice weekly with psychiatrist. I am just whipped. I really feel like I have tried everything possible to get better but it just won’t happen. What else am I supposed to try? there are treatments like TMS but it really isn’t proven yet with mental illness. I have invested so much time and money on treatments… there really isn’t anything left to try.
It’s nothing less than what you deserve.
I’m so sorry, it’s like the whole world has failed you. I’m not one to even mention my faith, since I don’t even believe in it, but I don’t know what else I can do…. My prayers are with you, and I hope you find peace in whatever you choose. Know that I have genuinely shed tears in light of your troubles, as I do now. I feel so very helpless for you 🙁
Isa
Thanks, Isa.
HEY! Who the fuck told you this bullshit?! And why do you believe them? I know by your words that you see you have worth. you give hints that you know your mistakes and can do better “I negatively affect everyone that comes into my life” indicates that you know how to affect them positively. The problem I think is that we are told to live according to Hoyle, when we don’t know who the heck Hoyle is or what his/her rules are. you hear the beat of the drummer in the key of Disenchanted7. I say that people who feel they don’t belong are just hanging with the wrong people, they don’t belong…in that crowd. They are free independent thinkers who are not being squashed, but being told to squash themselves. HUH? How, why would one do that? The free thinkers are who knew enough to turn their backs on their social “fits” and become the social “misfits” they are, and in doing so have started their own society of happy misfits who now fit, with each other. Without them we wouldn’t have tattooed, nose pierced, gauge wearing artistic types that we look to for approval to also be ourselves. Seriously, get yourself into therapy, you wouldn’t believe the great stuff you uncover about yourself just by hearing yourself explain you to you. I realized this from Aristotle – who is a genius (read him), and Beowulf – man is not a sinner man is man. cant ask him to live like the angels he’s not an angel, he is flesh and should be expected to live in and of the flesh, no shame in desires of the flesh. Though we are taught that. I hope this makes some sense to you.
In other words, please be you, learn to be you, learn to fluff people off who make you feel you have no right to live being you. If people make you feel you don’t belong, then you don’t belong in that clique. Find the ones you do belong in, they are out there! Please consider! And please consider talking to a therapist, I did. and for it i’m here today to speak to you.
Disenchanted, first off you are NOT a moron. You’ve always struck me as quite intelligent.
Second of all, I am glad you are considering your family, and that you are conscious of their love for and commitment to you. I too have that issue (elderly mum, and 18 year old son – the rest won’t be too bothered). Your aunt clearly doesn’t think you are beyond all hope does she?
Thirdly: my personal belief/intuition based on my own extraordinary experiences while tripped out in a manic state, is that other dimensions of existence certainly exist. I don’t believe life ends when we die. So to me, where we are headed at the moment of death is a very valid concern.
How do we get up the courage? It’s a very lonely and individual struggle that we must all have with ourselves if we are to go through with this. I don’t consider myself in any way an impulsive person, I believe if I am to go by my own hand that it will be very carefully considered and meticulously planned. I already have a ‘peaceful, painless’ method though the reality is no form of self-termination is ever truly that as you have to do battle with the body’s will to live.
I sense this same battle going on within you, disenchanted, and I hear the great pain you are in. I hope you can find the strength within you to keep going or otherwise resolve this situation, but there is little we can do for each other in the end but offer a place to speak our feelings and the comfort of knowing others share our struggles. Suicide is a lonely business.