Today felt different. Not really a good or bad different. I went to work today as I had been out the last few days due to the fact I was not mentally able to go. Today was just a strange day. I did my normal routines, handled my normal business. I spoke very little. A couple co-workers told me I was a “bit off” today. They asked if everything was alright. I assured them everything was fine – from my perspective anyways.
The ride home from work was different too. The sun was well past its zenith, the shadows were long, a light breeze in the air. A little cooler than usual for this time of year too. I watched the leaves on the trees move slightly as the wind carried them. This still just felt…different. Over all it was just a day I can’t really explain or put my finger on what exactly I’m trying to say. All I know is, I will hopefully be free soon enough and that is a fact I find comfort in.
Had a couple friends text me asking if I wanted to hang out this weekend. Told them I wasn’t feeling well. My friends are good people. But I am a very private person, despite being out-going and have a social life fairly often. They don’t know of my problems. They don’t need to know. Not everything can be solved through talking or prescription drugs.
But what if I’m wrong. What if I’m making a mistake. More mental issues than you can count on both hands and feet. A chronic health condition that tortures me every day and has been for 3 years. I’ve looked at this thing from every angle to find an excuse not to go through with this. Every angle leads me right back to where I am. The future is bleak. For the world we live in. For even the goodest (is this even a word) people. I look forward to posting and speaking with you all here tomorrow as well. Take care of yourselves and listen to what is in your heart.
-Frank
15 comments
I know what you mean about the day before the big event feeling different. When I seriously attempted to check out (about two years ago) it was the same for me. There’s something surreal about walking around looking people in the eyes when they don’t know what’s about to happen. I also noticed that colors seemed more vibrant and the world seemed more peaceful. Maybe it’s the comfort that we take in knowing that the end is near. But yes, the feeling is hard to describe.
I would probably not tell my friends or co-workers either, especially since your mind seems made up. It will only upset them or get you into unnecessary trouble. But that’s just my opinion. I’m a bit confused by the last bit because you sound like you’ve gone over it in your head and decided that this is the best choice, yet you’re still unsure? What’s causing that doubt if you don’t mind me asking?
I sincerely hope everything works out for you, whatever you decide to do. Also, I think you were looking for the word ‘best’? xD
The part about the vibrant colors and the world seeming peaceful. You nailed it. That is exactly what I was trying to say but couldn’t find the right words. So glad you just said that and that I wasn’t just imagining things.
Never the less, I do have a lot of thinking to do tomorrow.
I left you a comment on your previous post in response to your reply, and I just want to make sure you see it before you go. <3
From reading your post (especially the descriptions of your surroundings), I got the feeling that you are at peace.
What if. Doesn’t that really sum it all up?
One is facing the total elimination of all one has ever known…the self. It’s not in any way surprising that you are experiencing some level of doubt. I’m glad you are continuing to think about it all.
And I’m glad you are still posting here. I find your posts instructive to read.
Hi Frank.
I know when you’re dealing with health conditions that limit you, especially chronic pain, it makes the whole “hey, maybe I can do this and be alright” thing a whole lot harder. Some days…or some moments of some days I manage to convince myself I’m going to be okay. Then the pain hits me or the anxiety kicks in, and I’m suddenly scared of everything for no reason at all…and I realize that okay just isn’t in the cards. Hope takes light, and light is hard to find when you live in near-perpetual darkness. Life is a crazy ride, though, isn’t it? All of it.
Sometimes I figure I’ll stick around a while longer just to marvel at how fascinatingly messed up life on this planet is. Do you ever feel like you know something that most people are happily oblivious to? Reading the posts on here, I’ve noticed one thing…a whole lot of awareness. Too much, I think. And intelligence. And thoughtfulness. A lot of very smart, sad, interesting, hyper-aware people.
I think I went off on a bit of a tangent. What I really wanted to say was you seem like an interesting person, and I hope you’re around tomorrow. And the next day.
Brenda
Brenda, your comments resonate with me. I think there are a lot of self-aware, smart, thoughtful people on SP. Someone once said to me that it is a blessing and a curse to feel things so deeply. It is very true for me
That is so true. I fully believe that everyone here is so intelligent and sees more and feels more than others do. I have said that same thing, that it is a blessing and a curse. I lost my brother and he was this way. Extremely creative, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate, and felt so so deeply.
I am so sorry you lost your brother. Thank you for coming here to share your’s and your brother’s story. Your sincerity, understanding and genuineness help me to see things from a survivor’s (from your) perspective. Makes me think twice about death
I really appreciate your sentiments. Thank you so much for your sincerity as well. I am glad that you think twice. That is a really good thing. And I’m so sorry for any sorrows you hold in your heart. I wish I could personally take them from everyone. It is not your fault and you are not alone. If you ever need a listening ear, I am here. I wish you comfort.
I went to a suicide loss support group last night and the stories were all devastating. The worst were ones where people had no sense of closure at all because of the way it was done, no goodbyes, no knowledge of what was going on, etc. It is very painful and the ones they lost were all very beautiful people, just full of pain that no one knew the depths of. It kills me. If my brother had told me, sister, I don’t know what’s wrong but nothing feels right. I have so much pain. I feel helpless. It will never change. I think I have depression. I hate people and the way the world works. I don’t think anything will work. I feel like I want to die… I know I would have done everything I could to help him. But I had no idea until I read his suicide note. And that is the most heartbreaking thing to discover about someone who is a part of you after it’s too late to do anything about it. It is a forever decision. I feel disconnected from my life now. Like the shell of me. And I want to help people also. Everyone’s life matters to me. We all affect each other. I’m not here to upset anyone, everyone’s life is their own and I respect that and would never wish suffering on anyone. I just wish to say that I care and there are so many that feel these things and my heart feels for everyone. Truly.
i hope you find peace
Really beautiful writing. Perhaps you have found peace or perhaps the world is speaking to you, showing you all the small things in nature that are full of wonder and beauty that we don’t always take time to notice with all the routines of life. Like your senses are more in tune. If you have any doubts, I would say hang around while your senses are in tune and see what you might find. I’m so sorry for your pain. I wish you feelings of comfort and that you are not alone.
All but over, I am so sorry I wasn’t here last night, I had unexpected company so I had to put on my happy jovial mask for my audience. By the time everyone left I was completely drained.
I read your post and it sounds like you are not entirely sure if you are ready to leave us? I am not going to try to convince you not to, I like everyone on here believes its your life take it or leave it. I would offer a couple things to think about,.
1. Its OK to change your mind. To take some time and reflect on the day you just had. I understand completely how the world can seem brighter and vibrant just as you are ready to leave. It happened both times I attempted, wasn’t enough to discourage me or lessen my pain but perhaps it might give you enough hope and release that it might delay you. If nothing else go outside one more time and appreciate what this earth does have. No one can argue about how beautiful this planet is, its just unfortunate how life can be so shitty, and filled with so many assholes and so few caring souls. I think this site probably has the highest concentration of the latter in any given spot. What I appreciate about everyone on here is how genuine they are and how willing they are to show their raw uncovered pain and struggles. That shows a lot of character of the individual and a great understanding as a group, that alone gives me a reason to pause and be a part of this community. There is no one in my non internet life I can talk to like the people on here. Like you, someone who can relate, can share openly, I know right now is not my time to leave but one day the time will be right and I hope this group is still here with their support and understanding.
It’s that moment of great clarity when all the dingy, dirty aspects of the world are washed away from the lens that we use to view it because our decision to exit makes all the crap meaningless and irrelevant. WE truly see the natural world for all the beauty it possesses and all the potential it could have if it weren’t for the ugly greedy selfishness of the human beings that think only for themselves without care for the consequences for others. And because also … and perhaps more importantly … no one and no thing can have any future effect or consequence on us … nothing can taint this moment … this PRESENT moment. It’s pure – this clear, clean moment – the world as it would/should be.
But it begs the question – If this moment of clarity can happen while we’re alive, why haven’t we seen it before? Or only seen it all too rarely? See, in my opinion, this moment is an epiphany – and when we analyse it, we can realize the reason this moment of clarity has such purity is because we’ve cast off all the garbage of the world and we’ve disregarded the evils of man. And if we can recognize how we can come to maintain a life in the present moment without regard for consequences of the future (this doesn’t mean to make unwise choices), we can “clean up” our view of the future. Often one of the biggest reasons our world view gets tarnished and dirty is because we’re letting too much junk in to corrupt the only parts that TRULY matter.
I, personally, can’t say that that I’ve firmly decided to live out my years … but i can say that having “seen” how the world can look and how to filter out the junk can make that view better, I can say that the exit option is on indefinite postponement … but I think it’s just as important to “keep it on the table” as a reminder that if the ugliness overwhelms me, i have an “out”. I don’t think I could go on without knowing I have my “out” option … but knowing I can use it at any time gives me the ability to continue … and it reminds me to only consider the people and information that have any direct effect on my life … everything else is just “stuff” and generally irrelevant.
I hope some of you can “see” what I’m trying to describe and can figure a way to learn how to parse information, people and events into things that really matter – have direct effect and influence – and stuff that is just background noise/static that should be disregarded. But fenceguy is right, this IS a great and supportive community 🙂
optometrist dawg