I want to die but I can’t. I still have people that need me to make money, too many people that need me to live. I’m not selfish enough to leave them with nothing. I don’t want them to suffer and die with me. I just want to die alone. So I have to live for them but it’s only the hollow shell of a life I’ve never really lived.
I’m still very young. I know this. At the age of 21 I should not be this hateful, this cynical, this forlorn, this lonely. But I am. I suppose I’ve always been unhappy. I’ve always been depressed. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been constantly beat into the ground at every turn. You’re ugly. You’re not smart enough. You’re lazy. You’re annoying. My parents. My siblings. My friends. Strangers. Teachers. People. They all have made sure to instill in me this deep seeded agony of self hatred.
There is too much weight on my shoulders. The weight of supporting so many other people is so heavy it makes my bones crack under the pressure. My mother, my sister, my brother, a woman that is a friend to our family, her autistic eight year old son, and three dogs. I carry all of their weight with me. They’re why I can’t die. They need the money I make and this is why I carry on.
I am in love. I think that’s the hardest part of living for me. I love a man that can’t love me. I’m not good enough for him as it is but I still desire him. I just want to be by his side. I use to tell myself it would be enough just to know him and love him quietly but its become too much to bear. Its been two years now. Time has turned the beautiful light of hope he once was into an engulfing flame that seers my flesh and leaves me screaming.
So I want to die. I REALLY want to die. But I can’t. There’s too much to do. I think about it often. If only I were crueler. If that were so than I’d be free to die without worry. But I’m not so I’m forced to live so others can. I wish someone would kill me so I didn’t have to worry anymore. I wish I could just die already.
Someone please help me.
8 comments
I’m probably the absolute worst person to give any sort of advice to you. I have a deep seeded hatred towards just about everything, and I have no one to live for. What has you in a situation forcing you to provide for all these people?
I’m not sure. I’ve asked myself the same thing. Our family has always faced poverty no matter how badly my mother would strive to keep us from it. I believe that simply by being my Mother’s daughter I have inherited her role. My mother has a condition that has left her nearly blind and has only gotten worse. My sister has this same condition. I had to start working as soon as I could to help. Once I started working, my mothers eyes got worse and now I’m the sole bread winner in the household.
The woman that lives with us now used to live with us in Florida several years ago until we moved to Ohio to escape debt. She was kicked out on to the streets sometime in July of last year, so we let her come up to live with us again. She’s an alcoholic and drinks away a lot of her son’s government disability money. My sister is an alcoholic too among other things. My brother is in and out of jail. My mother has diabetes. And I cling desperately to my reefer to battle the depression that still isn’t ebbing.
So there are a myriad of things, you could say. A domino effect that started with my parent’s choices and continues with me. I’ve tried to save money to escape from here but everything I make goes towards paying for rent, utilities, car payments, student loans, debts, and marijuana. I know that I’m clinically depressed. My father was, my mother was, and now I am. There’s just not a lot I can do about it.
Thank you for caring.
Oh my god the feels.
I’ve always wished I was cruel enough to at least once exact the atrocities people have done unto me, but I always relent, not wanting to bring another person pain, and then they just do it again. It’s a curse, but if more people were like you the world would be a better place.
Please don’t give up, It is incredibly stressful and the pain you feel is devastating to degrees I don’t even know, but as you say whether a good thing or not you have the weight of a lot of people on your shoulders, and you’re a good person for sticking it out for them. Not to mention strong. I’d like to believe that eventually through our hardships, even those as difficult as yours (and do congratulate yourself for enduring them) we can find meaning, and maybe a glimmer of happiness in the spoils.
Of course I’m hypocritical, spouting advice, since I have a hard time believing it. But we have to believe in something, don’t we? You’re so strong, you’ll find rest soon, someone like you more than so many deserves that.
Isa
@Asura I know how you feel. I use to want to kill people. Really kill them. In horrific ways that you only read about in psychological thrillers. I use to fantasize about tracking down and killing all the people that have done me harm, that use to bully me. I even use to think that way about my sister. I suppose some part of me still does feel that way but so much of me is just numb now that it’s cancelled out all the boiling rage.
I’m glad you think I’m a good person. I’ve never felt that way myself. I’m not very strong. I think I use to be before I fell in love. I think I was even learning to accept myself but now I’m back under a rock with all the other sludge and slime. But thank you.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for saying so. Considering all you’ve endured, that’s understandable. I didn’t think I’d ever get into that so soon – this is my first day here, but I relate to that too. When I’m so tired of being treated like crap sometimes I just want to snap and bloody well get some justice, no matter how gratuitous. Of course, my plight doesn’t compare to yours, and I’m just so sorry about everything you’ve had to go through 🙁 seriously, even if you don’t think you are strong, the fact that you’re still here is testament to that inner strength, so you shouldn’t think you have lost your strength, not even close.
And that’s just how the honest to god good people feel – they don’t view themselves as good, but they do the things they do simply because they see it as right. That’s what you’re doing supporting your family despite all the stress and emotional pain. That’s clear to me, and so I won’t be swayed into thinking you aren’t a good person.
I really really do hope things pick up, I sure wish I could help in some way, but just know that I have faith in you and even from this little interaction think a lot of you and find inspiration in your resilience.
It’s so tough, but people like you are made to survive 🙂 and there’s no way I could not care for someone like you.
Isa
you are stronger than a lot of us here even when you don’t know. You deserve a lot more. And as the world is today, you, and others like you who are not yet corrupted by ‘having more than needed’, are its light carrier.
Teardownthewall, I have read, enjoyed and related to everything you have written on this site so far. You are an amazing person, and the fact that you are confronting the dark side every day of your life makes me respect you all the more.
Your situation could not be more different to mine. No one relies on me for money, in fact I live off disability payments myself. So I can’t totally put myself in your shoes, I’m just lost in admiration for what you are managing to do.
I’m not going to tell you to stay strong though, it seems to me you already are. I just hope you can sometimes find a space where you can also be ‘weak’. This world is so full of injustice and cruelty – it’s all too easy to hate unfortunately and you are in no way wrong for that, just human.
I find your posts personally humbling.
Thank you, seppuku. I’ve never felt like what I’m was doing was noble but you and the other kind people on here make me feel like I can be. I have a great deal of respect for you too and enjoy reading your writings as well. I hope you can find some peace in death. I’m quite envious of you and the others like you that have such a strong resolve. Maybe one day I can join you.
Thank you for caring.