I don’t know why I keep going unless it’s out of habit. I long ago passed the point where I can even pretend to be dealing with the daily pain. Raised in an abusive home, sexually abused in high school, and HIV+. I’ve struggled for decades to deal with my depression. I’ve struggled to maintain an occupation for which I’ve sometimes received professional recognition, but now no one’s interested. I’m ignored. Never a word when I respond to a job posting…or they want to humiliate me further by paying me Burger King wages. As a Boomer, I guess I’m now too old. As productive as I know I can be, I can’t even give my services away. Volunteer organizations ignore me. It’s like I no longer exist. I must be delusional for thinking I can be contribute anything to anyone. Over and over and over again the message is that I’m useless.
My only peace and feeling of fulfillment has been with the cats I’ve lovingly nurtured over the years. The last one died a year ago – my last friend of over 16 years – and I had a heart attack a couple weeks later. I clearly knew at the time I shouldn’t have let them save me, that it would only bring more pain. I’m constantly harassed to pay a bill I have no means to pay. I have no means to get professional or medical help. I’m beyond help and, even if there was some, I don’t have the energy to deal with all the goddamned bureaucratic hoops I’d have to jump through. I did with HIV organizations and they simply hurt me more. I’m simply too damn tired to fight all the people who have seemed bent on destroying my life from the very beginning.
I have a way out, but I’m too damned chicken to do it. It’s funny. When I came out as a teenager, the people raising me threatened to have me put away. I guess that’s my only other option all these years later, to live out my life locked up as just another “case”.
4 comments
Awe, I feel your pain. I’m so sorry to read how hurt you are. Just in case you didn’t know, there are websites like positivesingles (com?) where people who are hiv + can meet. I suppose that you probably already know of other places to meet people who understand what you’re going through as far as the hiv goes. As for the employment, have you tried a job placement service? I used to manage one for a few years and it was a great way for people who were having trouble for whatever reason securing employment to find good jobs. A fee is taken off of your first few checks normally and then ur pay is all yours.
With all due respect, a relationship is the last thing on my mind…and I’m too broken anyway. The poz people I know have support and go about their lives. Hell, they can even engage in booze and drugs…while I don’t even have the desire for any of it.
I’m honest, reliable, dedicated, etc. And for some reason, I’ve spent my life being punished for it. And the people who lie, deceive, steal and fuck others over are rewarded with wonderful lives.
I can’t even imagine telling my two so-called friends the depth of my pain. One of them even seems concerned about my decline (“There’s no joy in your life any more.”) I can’t even bring myself to sit down with him for a cup of coffee…or even see him. I can’t count the number of friends I’ve lost when I’ve started to share who I really am. So I don’t.
I tracked down my birthmother several years ago. I’m ashamed to say I’m now totally reliant on her. It’s humiliating. I’ve ruined her retirement and her life. The woman was already an emotional wreck well before I came back into the picture. fwiw, her neighbor, also poz, sliced himself a couple years ago and died. And, despite my best efforts every damn day to fight a similar fate, it’s clear to me I’ve been fighting a battle that can’t be won.
Awe, I’m so sorry. 🙁
I wasn’t sure if you were up for dating or not, but I was more just trying to think of resources where you could connect with people who would understand what you were going through. I suppose it isn’t for you, but there must be support groups or somewhere that you could possibly find people to connect with who share some of what you’re living through? I don’t know if you’re even up for that tho. Personally, I’ve isolated myself so much it’s ridiculous. I can hardly bring myself to talk to my friends at all these days. I was never the type to have a ton of friends anyways, but I did/do have a handful of close friends that I value very much. Now tho, i’d relate more to people who understand depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. I’m sure that your mother doesn’t see it that way and is happy to be able to support you and have you back in her life.
This is a very complex story and will require a very complex set of things to happen to alleviate your pain. I must concur with you, the bureaucratic way in which we deal with this world is freaking awful. It’s like we want people to suffer. I’m sick of the capitalists who say if we just work hard, things will be better. You and I know different.
I have been saying for years and years the very sentiments you have expressed, the world is geared towards those who shmooze their way around. I see them everywhere, the little snots, walking around like they own the place. Often they have their own stories of poverty and suffering but they still irk me the way they just claw their way to the top using every dirty handed trick in the book.
I want to make something of myself so I can reach out to people like you in my community that have had the world shut them out. I want to be the adult I needed when I was younger. Its the only thing that drives me atm, I need to be there for people who do not have anyone.
Thanks for the share.