I am not done or anything, I think I don’t really want to kill myself, I just find it soothing to have the posibility at hand and I know I would be brave enough to do it. I guess I’ve always been addicted to something, whether it’s a person or a drug or a thought or a fantasie or an action. I’ve had a lot of best friends and I have been addicted to self-harming and alcohol and weed and I just can’t seem to land on reality because I am always daydreaming. Reality has always been a burden to me partly I guess because I’m smart. I’m too selfaware, too awake and I see the ugly truth behind everything. I would very much like too just see the good side of everything but I can’t. So I try everything to leave my reality and live the fantasy I’ve made for myself. Everything comes easy to me, academically that is, and I’m just a mess when it comes to interact with people. They keep calling me weird and I can’t make real connection or any connection at all with anybody, not even my past so-called best friends. I feel so alone all the time. I know there’s people out there who understand and I know I don’t stand alone, but like everything else those people are too far away, they live in my fantasy, I don’t know them, they don’t know me and we can’t live together and create memories.
I don’t want my fantasy to become my reality. I want to have a happy reality, friends who make me happy, maybe a girlfriend and a family who is not always making me feel worthless by telling me that I am wasting my potential and that I am a waste of space right now and that I could be so much better. Hope it’s whats keeping me going all these years. I keep telling myself It will get better but, please, fucking please I work on facts, I NEED PROVE!
BTW: I’m male and 20 years old.