Good day everyone,
Terribly sorry for seeming helpless and sharing too much of my personal issues here, but when one is desperate for help they take any opportunity.
I’ve been researching on ways to avert suicide and I came upon this site. I have been battling against suicidal thoughts since I was 11 after a classmate demonstrated, in front of our very eyes, how to slash wrists. (Mind you, she just wanted to show how brave and utterly reckless she was for doing something that makes her feel above others who couldn’t, at the time, even consider harming themselves.) – I followed her footsteps when I reached my limit with my dad’s angry complaints about low grades; I saw my blue scissors and slashed my wrist two times.
I didn’t know then that the reason why my education was affected was because I developed depression from the negative comments I received from acting differently and drawing too much when everyone else preferred to place their passions on socializing and playing. No one taught me what the right way to act was, my mother was gone, and my father was too preoccupied with himself to know.
It has been 9 years since then and I’ve been through a whole lot during. There was a time when the skin around my left hand and arm would barely be recognizable due to the countless cuts. A time when I ran away from home, then when my sister found me I threatened to kill myself if she didn’t leave me alone on the streets in the dead of night; this was the deepest cut I ever made with the same blue scissors I’ve kept for years and to this day the scar is still visible. My sister threw the blue scissors into the sewers. A time when my best friend lost her battle with brain cancer and all I could do was think too much and sit on a pew until I’ve seen the grief of everyone who cared for her that visited the funeral. I’ve never said or thought this aloud before, I always refused to, I felt ashamed, but I wished it was me instead of her.
There was even a timespan wherein I dedicated my life to self-discovery, adventure, passion, and finding my peace of mind. I put everything I had into art and writing. I started to grow and forget about my scarred roots. I learned so much. Life is so beautiful. Though there were times my weak will would falter and resort to cutting and contemplating about suicide again; I sought out therapy, my friends got me through it with wisdom, and of course (pardon me, to those not very open with such practices) drinking, parties, and a tiny bit of weed would help brighten my mood. Life would always get better as long as someone understood me and loved life with me.
Why am I here then?
Hmm, after college, I felt very keen on pursuing arts. But as the days pass, I’ve been starting to regret what I’ve been building up to in terms of ‘a life of an artist’. My brother tells me about the wrong things I’m doing; how I had to take an extra year to study, how I don’t have a job, how burdenous I am to our dad. There’s barely financial balance in my future unless there’s talent in me. I can’t seem to believe in the compliments. I’m a bit tired of forcing myself into gaining self-confidence then at the end of the day I just lose it all over again. After all these years, after all I did to help myself, to give myself reason not to take my life early, after strengthening my passion for life… I am still so disappointed with myself.
Being detailed and careful before taking risks, I did some research on overdosing; since my dad once told me “If I were you I’d just take sleeping pills. Fast and easy.”
Will it truly be fast and easy? I tried OD’ing with Paracetamol before but 15 was too few. It seems that Somnil, Paracetamol, Mefenamic Acid, Valium, Vicodin is the most available to me. I’d like to know if this is a surefire way to go. I’m so scared of myself for taking the time to plan this out. I know that if I survive, I’ll be in a whole deal of pain. But I’ll learn that my lack of faith in myself can’t equate to that physical pain I’d experience; perhaps it will help me stop thinking so much. Then again if I don’t survive, I’d finally be at peace, perhaps…
Do you guys think it’s possible to find peace?
3 comments
It is possible to find peace but OD’ing on meds is not the best idea. Majority of medications these days are made specifically not to be lethal in case of overdose, despite what the instruction package says. I’ve done plenty of research on that method, and it seems most of those attempts fail and just end up with you in the mental hospital. The problem with overdosing is that the body senses when it’s having too much, and while you’re unconscious you’ll throw it up. It will expel it from your system, leaving behind possible liver damage and some other discomforts which will pass if somebody finds you on time and pumps your stomach. If not you will sleep maybe for 3 days and still wake up but in pain. Don’t recommend trying that
I have to say that the part where your dad told you to just take sleeping pills to die really stung. I’m sorry, but any father who says that to their child is an awful person.
It sounds like you are living at home right now. Perhaps the best thing for you is to get away from that environment and find a job that will allow you to get out on your own while you pursue your greater dream of being an artist. At first, art can be a complementary venture and grow into a primary occupation.
You articulate your feelings and life quite well, so you’d seem to have some talent in the art of writing if you chose to go that route again. You may have to approach it indirectly, but if you first remove yourself from being around your father and brother (since they obviously make you feel poorly about yourself), maybe you can reclaim that peace of mind that helped you forget your scarred roots.
I have to agree with Deathdreamer7. Using pills to OD rarely works, and usually ends up being more of a traumatic experience. I know because I’ve done it.