Hi, I am new to this site. Well, I have never posted and have rarely commented on anything but I have been around reading for several years. I come to this site to read and have always found much comfort in finding people of similar circumstances and issues. I thought that maybe at long last I would share my story and see what happens. Kind of scary to put it out there I guess but I am going to do so anyway. It may be rather long as I am a writer so I do apologize in advance but would be most grateful if someone would read this. I am not looking for attention but I do welcome anyone who wants to talk as I wouldn’t mind a friend. One who understands and who I could return the favor to as needed. But thank you all.
So, I shall start off by saying that I have been struggling with depression for 10 years now. Or more specifically, Major Depression Disorder with Psychotic features aka Psychotic Depression. I also have other issues such as Borderline Personality, Social and General Anxiety, OCD, Eating Disorders, Self harm, PTSD, and pretty constant Suicidal thoughts. None of which has ever been treated but has instead continued in a downward spiral though I have tried many treatments. Among them Therapy, (Individual, group, and class of DBT on 2 occasions.) Medication, (7 anti depressants and 4 anti psychotics) Hospitalizations, (7 to be exact) etc. I also am currently on Medication and in therapy now also.
So, I have been around the block some with this thing. And I guess maybe it does to some extent stem from past abuse (verbal, emotional, mental, physical, sexual, etc.) And gross neglect on my parents part. Bad living conditions all my life and a controlling Grandmother just to name a few things. And now I am 26 years old and living still with that Grandma. I mostly stay in my room away from everyone as I really have been all my life.
I will get into more of this later on perhaps. But right now, I just wanted to share a little and really just say that I would love to be a part of your community. I have no one anymore really to help me and I would love to help others as I had originally planned to be a counsoler anyway. I am a Christian but I am not bothered by it if you are not. It isn’t an issue with me. I don’t judge anyone and I would be most grateful for any friends. Probably pretty pathetic to be saying something like that but forgive me as I have these issues and you all can understand them better than anyone else in my life. So, if anyone out here would I thank you and I hope you all have a good evening!!!!
7 comments
That’s a lot of stuff to be dealing with. Not going to pretend I have experience of anything other than pretty specific kinds of depression and social anxiety, but just wanted to say that I think it’s cool you’re a writer. Hope you find support here that helps you move forward.
Thank you and I appreciate your reply!! It means a lot. And depression in and of itself and the Anxiety is what gets me most so I wouldn’t sell yourself too short on that saying you don’t know. You may have not expierenced a lot of it but you do have your own struggles. And I don’t know why you are here but I wish you the same in finding what you need!!!! Thank you again!!!
P.S. And as for my writing well, I think it is pretty interesting you think that. Some would rather tell us to get a real job or do something more constructive with our time than sit down and write. But it has been want I have wanted to do all my life. I have never wanted to be anything else. But glad to have “met” you thehusk!!!
I wish I could work out a way to make a living from writing. Real jobs are overrated! Spending 8 hours a day trying to work around other people completely burns me out.
Be thankful if you can though!! I am ashamed to say I have never been able to work. I am on disability for these various issues. I think it would be wonderful though to have the chance to work somewhere and actually do something and maybe write on the side. I am just unable to at the moment though. Unfortunately, I get exausted right now if I simply get up and try to get something to eat or drink. 2 things I currently have to struggle to do if I do it at all. Do you like to write?
I know how bad that feels. I only got my first job 2 years ago (I’m nearly 27). It’s about as dead end as you can get. But better than being on benefits, just about. There’s less shame and guilt, but I have no energy left for anything else, and I’m not even working full time. I can afford to buy groceries, but I still live with my parents.
I used to want to be a fiction writer. I spent a long time trying, but I guess I just had nothing interesting that I wanted to say. I’d still like to do something involving writing – some type of online journalism maybe – but like I said, no energy. I’ve always prefered writing to speaking.
Welcome! I suffer from PTSD and depression, have been through hospitalizations and therapy and all that fun stuff. If you want to talk, my email is tallyho305 @ gmail.com. We may have had similar experiences…I’m 24 and still live with my parents, so I know how that goes. I’m glad you finally shared your story! I know when I did I felt better, and people on here are really supportive!
thehusk, it certainly is better than benefits as there is so much shame attached to it. Every new person I meet will ask me where I work. And to make it worse, I am mostly around older traditional Pentecostal type ladies who think Depression is something you can just snap out of and just trust the Lord and get on with it. Sad to say, before 10 years ago I agreed with it. However, I would never deny how real and debilitating Depression and the things associated with it is now. I am currently on my Grandma’s bad side because I am taking the meds I have been prescribed. I fought it for about 5 months and after a year and 3 months off of them I went back on them. I have been for only about 2 weeks but not too optimistic. It is so hard to be after all the meds that haven’t worked. I pay rent so my Grandma nuys most food and I buy my snacks, food, and bills.
A fiction writer? Cool!! I have actually never been one too much for fiction. Maybe when I was younger but now I like more of writing on things that are non fiction. Real life and reflections on the world around us. And in reading this site I find that we often think differently than most people do and I put that to good use. Of course, as with everything it has a bad side. A lot of us see the world for what it truly is and we often wish to not be apart of it. But we also have much insight into things that others may not. By nature, we are deep thinkers and it makes for wonderful writing. I also write poems and I have other different interests as well. The desire is there to some extent. But the energy to do it and the toll taken on the issues I have is keeping me from doing them. Even as I write this to you now I am laying in bed. What a life we live!!!!
I pray there is a better day coming for all of us on this site. I was raised traditional Pentecostal but you would find my beliefs a bit different from them so dont let that scare you or anyone else. I have found nothing but judgement from them and that is the last thing I ever wish to do to another person. And I said that to say if it takes ending your life to do it I pray you all (and myself if it comes to that) finds the peace that you all deserve. I dont know that I believe their everyone goes to Hell that kills themselves thing. I pray that whatever it takes the pain ends for all of us!!!! I hope you have a great day!!!