Well, here I am in the middle of the night again after another typically fruitless, frustrating day. I struggle to get scraps of work in the only two vocations I have…commercial graphics and photography. Clients have simply disappeared despite my best efforts. What I don’t get is that my stuff pisses all over most of the material I see and I can’t get anyone to hire me at a wage any better than that of a janitor…or they want a degree, screw my experience. And the people who know NOTHING about my business are the first to offer “advice.” Ridiculous, insulting and just puts me deeper in the dumps. The more depressed I become, the more creativity or any pride in my craft dies, the more I fall behind.
Frankly, I’m scared to even post here because I’m afraid I’ll just get more of the same, “Maybe you should….” Christ, all I want is for someone to hear and understand my fucking pain. I cannot take day after day, week after week, month after month of this torture.
Sounds silly but, except for my cat (who knows something’s wrong and is climbing into my lap or spooning more than ever), my craft is the only thing that’s given me any sense of accomplishment or satisfaction the past eight years. Until a few years ago I did well with it, even a few industry awards, and then it all just started dying. And I’ve been dying along with it.
Was offered a longer term contract last week and haven’t heard a thing since. All I can figure is that I’m being fucked over again. That seems to be the Universe’s way with me. One long term client drifted away to using the more expensive design departments of publications that produce assembly line crap. Another is simply recycling his old ads. And most people now figure an iPhone is sufficient for advertising images.
My birthday is coming up and, as I have the past few years, I find myself thinking about just ending it all on my birthday. Strangely, not for anyone else’s benefit or drama or to say anything in particular, but just for me. Thank God I have the plan and a means. Just need the cajones. Hell, here I am, a grown man, sitting here at my keyboard in the middle of the night crying almost endlessly. I hate living. There’s no fulfillment. There’s no joy. How the hell did I become such a goddamned failure? I worked so fucking hard! Why the fuck am I being punished?
7 comments
I work in the same sector and I have clients from hell. Either way I started to hate working with graphics so I’m quitting that and I’m quitting life. Good luck and hope you find a good job
Thanks for at least responding. I’m so damned lonely and can’t even manage the effort do to anything about it.
@ Visual – I’m lonely too. In consumes me entirely, the pain never ends. It’s a shame that things have turned out for you this way. I would tell you to keep searching and applying for permanent jobs so that you would get better wages – graphics and photography have the potential to earn a a lot of money. But it sounds like you’re exhausted like me. Was it always like this for you or did things break down at some point? Experience has much more value than a degree. I’m the opposite, I have a degree but almost no experience since nobody ever hired me to do a full time job because I don’t speak the language of this country fluently. It sounds like you are going through some really bad luck . I can’t give you any advice since I don’t know where you live and the work circumstances in that country – all I can tell you is that if you’re willing to give it another shot and wait patiently and continue to work hard you might get somewhere. If you want to talk to someone I’m here.
It is sad & frustrating the way the world is going. Everybody wants stuff cheap or for free, but never happy with the quality. Or else they want to see that piece of paper, showing that you have spent thousands of hours & dollars learning your craft, just like every other sheep out there. There is no place in this world for people like us, who have a gift & don’t need to learn.
It is sadder still to know that once you are gone, those who employed you will realize that you were the best thing they had.
Yeah the eonomy has been going down hill for several years or more. I have too lost work.
I used to be able to get jobs. Now they are scarce. its sad. and once in a while you hear a report that bunch of jobs have just been added to the workforce…. but they are mostly low paying minimum wage jobs.
I feel like a failure too and wonder why life is so unfair and painful
My job is a little easier than fighting with an angry dragon. EVerything is a burden these days, even breathing and eating.. I dont know what everything is for anymore. seems so useless and meaningless. Job, family, people, society, the world, everything in general is a pain. like you, not a night after a hard day at work that I not cry alone in my room, thinking how nice it would be if God would be kind enough to obliterate me, because suicide isnt a choice for me, lots of people need me. if it werent for these people I would quit everything and plunge an 8 inch knife into my heart right his moment..
Y’know guys, if nothing else, it just helps to know I’m not alone. Thank you.