So I turn 18 tomorrow. And I promised myself that I wouldn’t turn 18 like this. I told myself that the fucked-up version of me would not live to see 18. Yet here I am, about to turn 18 the same depressed, lonely, self-destructive wreck that I’ve always been.
How could I have been so stupid to think that everything was going to change by just wishing? I would do anything to feel happiness. To feel love. To feel anything but this pain. But I feel like I physically can’t do anything about it.
I wish I had a gun. My life is such a mess that I can’t stand to live another day. Hopefully when I go to sleep tonight I don’t wake up to see another day of this bleakness.
4 comments
I hope you feel better I remember feeling that way before being 18 and I’m 32 now and pray to god every night I don’t wake up to another day. I’m been a failure at even being successful at killing myself and instead of running for my life in the past I should have let people kill me. For some people things do get better I hope that’s the case for you and everyone else suffering
I have to echo the message of looking4peace in that some people have a difficult start but things do improve with time and, hopefully, you’ll be in that category but unfortunately it’s only time that will give you the answer. It’s true that at some point one must ask themselves “is it ever going to get better”, I think 18 is too young to know, I’m 46 so I think I can make that decision but I’m still waiting to see what happens for now.
You’re so young. I didn’t find love until about your age. And I didn’t really find and pursue a career that I adore until I was about 22. Things can change really fast at your age. You just gotta believe that it can change and get better, and always do your best to look on the positive side of things. And don’t be afraid to try new things and meet new people. Don’t let your own preconceived ideas about how your life will play out shut you down. Nothing is going to just HAPPEN. The love of your life isn’t going to accidentally knock on your door and you’ll instantly lock eyes and fall in love. I mean, I guess it is POSSIBLE, but highly unlikely.
You gotta make your own destiny. You gotta go out there and work for what you want, and take it. Nothing will change unless you change it. You’re in charge, especially now that you’re about to be a legal adult.
Take the reins of your life and steer those horses where YOU want to go.
I’m glad to see you are still around. I thought something had happened to you.