i wonder what should i do in my life to feel fulfilled

i found this page not long ago and i want a place to share things that i am not able to tell even my family

i tried suicide for countless times before. i hate people. i always put on a mask to address everyone especially classmates or collegues that hated me. i often wondered why they hate me and i tried investigate once and found out they hated me for being cheerful to them eveb though they spit hurtful comments to every hardwork i poured to work or projects.

i also hated money. i hate how people use others for the sake of getting money. i am sure alot of others hate this kind of people too but i have these people in my own family! for the sake of their own, they abandon me even i was only a child. even to the resort of pushing all the blame to my mother and poison my grandma’s mind to hate me? just to get all the inheritance once my grandma passed away? i dont really want all the dirty money though but my mother needs it as my father passes away long time ago. so i endured

i am now currently working, but to my horror even though i have good managers that are very helpful, i dont feel accomplished with my life. i realised that it is not my interest at all and i am not happy with it. but in order to chase my dream, my family will not have enough money to live on….

what am i going to do? i tried suicide just now but unsuccessful because its painful and i cannot even pass out or anything. just bleeding and pain.

i used to have high hopes and dreams but it shattered when i see the pain of reality this world gave me. sleep helps me but i was forced to wake up everyday. i tried travelling once and realised mother nature really soothes me.

i tried to do every little things to help me to be a little bit happy, but i dont think this will last.

i am almost hitting the dead end anytime… i dont know what should i do anymore…. i am getting depressed day by day…