Hello,
I’ve been on this site a few times to ease my sadness. (I read posts that were close to what I felt, and regained hope from users’ comments.) After 3 years of discovering this place, I finally decided to create an account and tell my story.
I’m almost 20 now and I’ve been sad or depressed since I was 10. I don’t quite know if it was depression all this time with all the ups and downs in my life, but it sure took a toll on who I am today. (My parents don’t know about my “depression” if it is one…) Due to certain things that happened when I was a child including the fact that I constantly felt inferior to my twin brother, I started hating if not despising myself. Since I was 10 I took the habit of hurting myself.
Ex: Trying to not breathe until I passed out; Falling on purpose to break my bones; Stabbing myself with pencils (In school and out); Scratching my skin until it bled and more. All of this since I was 10.
For me hurting myself was and still is a way to punish myself for my stupidity (lack of common sense, failing tests, being inferior to my oh so great brother in every domain.)
At the age of 10, I decided that I would kill myself at 15. I felt that something important would happen at that age and chose it thinking that I would have had seen enough of life by then. I wanted to be a hero and give up my life to save others such as pushing someone out of a truck’s way. By the time I was 15, I saved 2 friends from depression (at least from committing suicide at that moment, but still no truck saving for me.) Time went on and I turned 16, 17 on and on. Every time it’s my birthday, I cry from having not been able to kill myself. My worst years were from 16 to 18. I changed school, changed life and noticed how incapable I was in my studies. I didn’t just feel stupid… I felt like my twin took half of my brain before birth. At some point, I was certain not to be human since I lack in so many things.
My 19th year changed my life to the point where I started thinking living was probably worth it. I even have a boyfriend now. He’s sweet, attentive, talented and very smart. But I feel very stupid next to him. He himself sometimes thinks that I lack a lot of common sense. That the easiest things can be challenging for me. Sometimes my lack of sense irritates him. I totally agree though. It affects me much more since I’m at the front line. I know that my timidity and huge lack of confidence is the source of it all. Also, due to this “mellowness” I feel when I’m sad I tend to space out often. (3-4 times a day on average) As dumb as it seems, this “activity” really doesn’t exercise my brain.
Thank you for reading my story up until here. I don’t know if I want help or not… I’m just desperate to change and I needed to let my locked up feelings out. A million thanks to you.
5 comments
Tu sais beaucoup de chose.
Thanks for sharing your story. Depression is certainly a jerk and unfortunately can be a life long jerk(I can totes relate to long term melancholy). The constant struggle is exhausting but it is important to remember that things aren’t always as they seem. You’ve survived, high five for that. In a world that doesn’t expect most of us to survive intact, going on is the most powerful thing we can do sometimes. I hope you’re able to find ways to support yourself and that you also realize that “common sense” is generally just a word for general understanding but it doesn’t mean that someone is more or less because they do not share that. Sometimes you need things to be said explicitly and there is nothing wrong about that unless you make assumptions about stuff that turns out to be wrong. Maybe just navigating consent and communications in another way might make things easier and make you feel like you understand things better. Perhaps not though, just a suggestion. Anyway, hope you are well and that the universe brings you small and large joys.
Merci beaucoup. C’est un grand plaisir de recevoir votre commentaire. It feels like a gift for some reason.
And I completely agree with you that sometimes surviving is a complet struggle. Recently I wanted to cut but the fact that it would leave a mark is what stopped me. The last thing I want, is someone in my environment to notice. Since I was 10 I fought this battle alone. I once tried to see a psychiatrist but it was a total mind game. She tried to understand my problems and I kept diverting the conversation to smaller problems.
This year, with all the change in my life, I’m able to live a better life. I think less about my self-hatred and focus more on developing self confidence. But for some reason, I’m still standing on the thin line between life and death. One moment I’m very happy and pamper myself and then the next I’m crying myself to sleep and struggling to not “punish” myself.
Thank you very much once again for the help and advice you have given me. I feel like I am worth being helped. Thank you.
OMG i feel like you’re telling my storry i swear that’s wht’s happened To mE
Thank you for sharing – I feel a huge measure of pain is pressing on you. Self-harm can be a way we punish ourselves but it’s also a very powerful distraction from other pain we suffer that we cannot control. Having supportive and loving people in your life is really important and I would encourage you to connect with others you can trust and that deserve that trust.
Beyond all, you deserve to be accepted and loved. Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. No matter how much common sense we have or how much intellect we have, we will be lacking for something. Where we excel, we fail elsewhere in equal measure. It’s just a human thing.
I wish you the best – remember, that is what you truly deserve.
I have very important people that make me forget what I go through. I’m lucky and grateful for that. Some people have it worse, for sure. But trusting, on the other hand, is very difficult. I’ve never trusted anyone before. I feel like it’s the best way to get hurt. Trusting someone is a risk to fall from a greater height. I agree that self-harm is also a powerful distraction. I never really thought of it that way.
I know that everyone makes mistakes, but I feel like I make so much more. Maybe it’s because my attention is very self-centered so I don’t notice the others making mistakes. I don’t know.
Thank you very much for your help. It really “touches me”. (French expression)
And to Rouma: In a way I’m glad that your story is similar to mine. It’s comforting to know we aren’t alone. What I do to cope with negative thoughts is that I write them down. I write everything that makes me feel miserable in order to feel better. It’s like some auto therapy. I try to understand my problem, why I have it and try to find solutions to get rid of it.
Now that I have a boyfriend, I feel more confident and I feel loved. He sort of proves to me that if he loves me, I have reasons to love myself too. But I honestly didn’t think I would live to a day where I would experience love. Life can be worth living.