NEED TO DIE THE SOONER THE BETTER

i couldnt find any chat rooms to see if there were others going through this type of ordeal. aside from my mental illnesses i have to deal with disgusting human beings on an every day basis. i cant go to a grocery store anymore or to do laundry without being constantly taunted and ridiculed by people i dont even know. i know i dont dress very nice, but i dont know a thing about fashion its not like i’m not open to change its just something i cant figure out on my own. i have been humiliated, raped, poisoned tortured and thats not even counting all the abuse i endured as a child, and  no justice was ever done for me nor did i seek out any for the horrible things that weree done to me. i even forgave everyone that hurt me and dont wish them any harm yet every day i have to deal with the disgusting hate that i’m surrounded with. its like they want something from me but i dont know what it is. i tried getting off my meds, i tried quitting smoking and none of that changed a thing. i even went to a homeless shelter to get better and get on my own feet but i didnt get anywere and they made it obvious that i wasnt welcome there anymore. i know i’ve made bad choices and am ashamed and regretful but i have also paid the price to the extreme. i have no friends and my family hates me and its all my own fault. even with all these awful things going on i’ve made attempts to volounteer at places hoping maybe that can change things. i love animals and it would be a privelege to even clean kennels.but noone wants to even allow that. i even tried turning myself to the police i was ready to tell them about things i had stolen that i didnt get caught for but they didnt even care to hear me out i was turned away even from that, so maybe that is the objective here that i’m suppossed to figure out. that i have to die but they need me to do it myself. as much as it hurts to know they have such an intense hatred i would accept it. and so it needs to be done soon. i know a lot of people have had traumatic things happen to them, but having it thrown in your face by strangers almost every time you go anywere is not a nice feeling on top of my depression, i dont know how i mananged to NOT kill myself this long because this has been going on for years, and unlike truly evil people i do have shame and remorse for the bad things i’ve done and the people i’ve hurt