Hello readers/posters:
I am new to this board. Honestly, I never knew such a place existed (I guess I am less imaginative than I once thought). I found you by doing searched for methodology in suicide, which I will not share here per the guidelines and strictures of this site.
Short story of why:
I lost the joy and love of my life recently. No, not due to death. Worse. She found someone else and walked out. I was caught wholly unaware. The rage and sorrow and loss are too much.
I am not a successful man. I have a low-end job at a local donut shop. Hardly where one would wish to be at this age (44). I have had many failed relationships, some were my doing, so I have been on both sides. I have been clouded and hounded by depression and general unhappiness all of my life that I can recall. There were good moments and I am glad for those. Still, I have nothing left. No laughter fills the shitty little apartment I rent, the special coffee I shared daily can’t be made because I keep expecting to fill a second cup for her. Everything around me that was ‘us’ has lost its luster. And truthfully, even though I did reach out to what few friends and special people who might understand the seriousness of my sadness, I want to go.
I am in the process of selling off whatever valuable things I can; artwork, television etc. to gather some money to take one last trip to a very special place by the ocean. She and I spent a picture-perfect week there once, not too long ago. And I have always loved the sea.
Once I arrive there, I will rent a little motel room and say goodbye with as little fuss and mess as I can manage but I do have to go. I can’t do this life anymore and I can’t live without joy… even if it has to stem from someone else.
Thanks for reading. It feels cathartic to share.
9 comments
HI:) I found this site and unfortunantly 16 years ago I was suicidal but had no where to write down my emotions such as this but I was lucky enough to have family that cared enough to listen without judgement and reading your story brings back so many memories of where I was at that time:( My boyfriend had found someone while we were on our vacation together and decided that night he had found his soul mate and I needed to move out by the end of the week, 7 years together, 2 miscarriages and a tubal pregnancy that almost killed me and none of that mattered and I can tell you, we never argued so I was blindsided….long story short…I felt like my life was over…I wanted it to be over but here I am married to my true soul mate, been together 12 amazing years and my ex has been dumped by his so called soul mate for his best friend….Karma??? maybe but im writing this to tell you that your happily ever after is waiting for you…. I know your pain, it took me 3 years to even go on a date again but Im so glad that I got help for my depression. Life isn’t about what job you have, what car or belongings you own, how much education you have had or whats in your bank account, its about loving yourself so others will love you:) Please talk to someone that you can trust and who will be there for you so you can look back on this time in your life and be grateful for a new day:):) Take care!!
Just wanted to reach out and tell you that I know exactly how you are feeling and the pain you are going thru, I was lucky enough that I had family to show me my worth when an ex boyfriend took it all away from me, but here I am happily married for 12 years to a wonderful man and trust me, I had nothing when we met but he didn’t care cause he loved me, not what I owned so please get help for your depression cause your happily ever after is out there waiting for you too:) Good Luck and Take Care:):)
Now imagine if the man you’re married to became the one who left you without warning. That’s more similar to where I am. I have sought help… and the help didn’t/doesn’t help. When in dire, desperate need of someone or anyone to fill the time to get through a day, only a couple had time for me. They cared and tried, they really did. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to get me through. I’m done. Now I just want to go back to the seaside place I spent with her to die. I do appreciate your input and am happy you found solace. That peace is just not out there for me.
My friend, your post made me cry, harder than i was before i logged in. i know your pain, i know the depths and i understand the emptiness you feel. i can “see” that seaside place you talk about, where there was once joy and now all is lost. it’s the one place you can go to to “remember” or experience that moment of joy. i can’t say that your solace is out there or that if you just wait long enough your soul mate will find you, because i haven’t had that experience either. i am like you, 36, single, wondering how did my whole life end up like THIS? this pathetic job, this string of failed relationships, the suffering, the tears, the wounds, how did this happen? I know the disappointment you feel, unparallelled to all other suffering. whatever you decide, it’s fully your decision. i support you going back to the seaside and remembering those joyful moments, but i have hope for you. there is hope for you. i hope, that just one ounce of comfort is felt knowing that one person, somewhere in the world, cries with you, cries for you, and is here for you. i’m here for you.
I can definitely relate to you and bluefeathers so much. Bluefeathers pretty much summed up my life in a few sentences and words. I’m also in my 30’s and all of that struck home for me as well. I’m giving myself a year to break this mold. It’s anything but easy. It’s like trying to reinvent the wheel. I find myself constantly wanting to go back to my old usual ways. Honestly, If things don’t change for me, I’m headed to the scrap yard myself. Maybe it’s something I can’t honestly do on my own. Regardless I’ve given myself one year (I’m around the 9th month now) to change and try to find peace and happiness. I’m doing things I’ve never done before. Because isn’t that the whole point. It’s the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. So I’m trying my hardest to get out there. Try new things. For me so far, just getting outdoors more has helped. Yet I still find myself struggling some days. It’s not easy. Yet it’s my challenge for you. I challenge you to give yourself one year from now. To try and change your life. Turn it around. Reinvent yourself. The way I see it is this, you try your hardest for an entire year and see where you’re left standing. Either it was all for nothing, and the only thing you’ve lost is a year you would have otherwise wasted away depressed at home. Or maybe by some small chance, you’ve experienced a change after that year. You’ve learned something about yourself you didn’t know before. Perhaps you’ve found a coping skill, like for me, it’s kayaking. It’s no cure, but it helps. Maybe ”it” helps you cope better. I don’t know, but the point is you’ll never know if you don’t try. So give yourself one more year. That’s my plea to you. If you’re ready to cash in your chips, chances are no one here is going to be able to convince you otherwise. Just know we’re here for you. I hope you stay strong, and take me up on the challenge.
I’ve been where you are. It’s an awful place to be. I’m 36 and think I must be meant to be alone because no one in this world wants me….the truth is the one person I want to want me doesn’t and sometimes that makes me wanna die. He plays on my heart and I do whatever I can to keep him in my life. It’s a joke but the thought of not having him at all kills me. Instead I would rather he lie to me about all the other girls, treat me like shit and make me do all this stuff for him just so I can have a night with him where I can pretend he’s mine. You know why….because I just want to feel wanted. I know you feel as if you’ve lost everything, but if some girl wants to get to know you, would you give her the chance? Would you give yourself the chance to be wanted? I have tried to kill myself over this man several times….but some days I’m stronger than others. I’m always here if you want to talk. Always
AfflictedSmile….I really love your one year challenge. I think I might take it on myself, actually. I need to make major changes, pretty much doing the opposite of what I’m doing now but fear stops me. But you’re right, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. I can picture how relaxing kayaking must be to you. i went once or twice and liked it very much. Your response went straight to my heart. It’s really amazing to me, that there are other people in the world that feel the way I feel, have thought the way I think. It’s at the very least, a little less lonely.
OverIt20, you know, you ARE worth more than that. it’s the desperation of wanting to feel wanted that drives us to act in self-shaming ways. You deserve to be with someone who wants you every night and every day and all the time, in any way, shape or form you are. Not just a night here or there. I know the “pretending” that he’s yours….it’s like wearing a blindfold and saying to yourself, I know I can’t see clearly right now, but it’s ok. Maybe the person you need to feel wanted by the most….is you.
Blue feather…I wish I could want myself. I was in a bad marriage/relationship for 15 years and every day I was told how beneath him I was. After years of emotional abuse, it’s hard to overcome certain issues. This guy said everything I needed to hear. After all those years…I don’t think I deserve anything but shit…it’s hard to get past that.
Over It….I know it’s hard to believe that you deserve anything after so many years of emotional and verbal abuse. I’ve had a similar experience, but mine was (is) from my parents, especially my dad. He reminds me all the time that I’m nothing. This week he told me “I’m out of control.” I cried and I hurt from comments like that but I try to remember that when people say such hurtful things, they’re speaking to the reflection they see of themselves IN you. You know you were never “less” than your husband/ partner….you were equals, but I’m guessing he had some issue about being on a pedestal and putting you (and maybe others) down. It’s how some people dominate or control others. It’s like you’re surrounded by people your whole life telling you that the sky is green, when you KNOW that’s not true. But when you’re in a chaotic/ crazy environment where truth is distorted, it’s hard to know which way to look. I met someone recently who I felt a strong connection with, and I tried to make a relationship work, even though he told me and I could see that he himself wasn’t healthy to be in a relationship (he has severe OCD), but we had a connection and when he looked at me, it’s like he looked through me, and saw my soul. He said things I couldn’t believe – I would literally cry, in front of him, because I couldn’t believe that he could see me for who I am – a small, hurt, innocent, kind, child just wanting to be loved, trying to get out of this dysfunctional family/ life. You can use this experience with this guy who is telling you everything you need to hear as a guideline for what you need to be saying to yourself. He sounds like a breath of fresh air amidst clouds of smoke, so I can see why you’d want to cling to him, to any amount of time/ attention he gives you. You need it. It’s like you’re a withering plant, and you’re so thirsty, you’re dying for water, and he’s giving you a drop here or there, and to you, it means everything. And it’s helpful, somewhat, but you need more that this, and you deserve more than this. You need to be there for yourself and remind yourself that you ARE a good person, you just got mixed up with a not-so-good one and he confused you. Now it’s time to unravel those twisted thoughts/beliefs that yo’ure nothing/ you don’t deserve anything, and start building a strong foundation for yourself. I think, tomorrow, you should do one really nice thing for yourself….buy flowers, and enjoy their smell and beauty, or look in the mirror and give yourself a genuine compliment, something you KNOW at the core, to be true. You don’t have to spend any money or plan something dramatic, but a small, kind gesture to yourself can go a long way. Maybe when you hear his voice in your head saying those words, you’ll choose to stop. in the middle of the sentence. and choose a different thought. that’s a very, very kind thing you can do for yourself.