Hello. I have just signed up here so first of all, a big hello to you all and thanx for reading this message. I have been contemplating ending all of this for a while as i just cant hack life anymore. I have been diagnozed with bi-polar disorder and left my wife last year in a mania phase. I recently tried to patch things up with her but am not sure if its gonna work or not and to be honest if it doesnt i dont know what i would do. I have a 6 year old son yet i believe he will be better […]
Just wondering if anyone here has ever been diagnosed with this. I was recently, and I wish I would have gotten help sooner for it, now it may be too late to try to change my life in a meaningful way. Over a year ago I went on some nonsensical manic rant on youtube and got the attention of all kinds of people, then I kept at it via ranting into search engines knowing my system was compromised and anything I wrote was being seen and pissed like the whole world off, not to mention the people i pissed off fanned the flames further. At […]
I wake up each day wondering what I am doing and why I am still awake.
I had aspirations and hopes that lifted me up really high only to drop me in abyss of nothingness. Live to the fullest? What is the point? For what? For myself? I hate to break the news. There is no more me left as I no longer can feel anything except my weakening willpower and body as the days go by.
What is life for really? What is this pursuit for life actually? For happiness which will slowly fade away to nothingness? For challenging your brain which will […]
Aside from TV shows/movies and videogames there isn’t much that keeps me going. I messed up my education by being lazy (BSO, in belgium that’s the lazy person’s course where they don’t actually teach you shit) so I have barely any motivation for college that I’m starting next week but hey, gotta keep the parents happy. Ideal situation would be some sort of disease that doesn’t hinder me too much but kills me after 3 years, so I atleast know how game of thrones ends (can’t be assed to wait for the books, knowing grrm we’ll have the last book when I’m 40). Too much […]
I keep making the same mistake. I keep looking for intimacy in random hook ups, like it’s the spark of life, but it’s hurting me. I’m putting my body through abuse, and my friends are scared of me. They don’t understand why I’m doing it and they keep away from me. I’ve been with so many girls and guys, broken my heart over and over, and I’ve swallowed so many pills but can’t die.
For 10 years it’s been an endless cycle of pain and numbing that pain. It’s maddening. I want to get out. I want to have friends. Get a girlfriend. Be happy where […]
I thought I had finally found the perfect method. Tbh, I had in my time frame and with what I could get in possession of.
Yet destiny must have thought against my wishes and I was revived in time.
Last Friday night I injected just over 5mg of ithium methadone (not being a junkie, I missed my vien) swallowed approx 230mg of water dissolved fluoxetine cognitive mixture and a bottle of JD to try and OD.
I was in an induced coma for three days then in ICU at Redcliffe for two with breathing, feeding, etc tubes down my throat and needles sticking out of me everywhere. […]
Why me? That’s the question I kept asking myself.
Typically, it should be why not. Why me is due to me allowing such scenarios to happen. Being blinded to such apparent situations and then blaming myself for being stupid in dismissing the very fact I later loathe to witness.
At my age I thought I would be wiser and stronger. I’m 37 and went through a breakup – the only one relationship I had so far. When I was 22years old and when one of working colleague confessed his love to me, I said yes without much thought. He’s a friend, and I trusted him.
After 6 months […]
“……all humans are united by a common conspiracy to preserve each one of our own individual lives.”…….—quoted from suicide note by Mitchell Heisman
Even Altuistic behaviours have been explained in terms of selfish gene sacrificing himself for sake of persons carrying very similar genes.
What if what we call moral / good is nothing but a lie…. humanity is a civilized jungle. and the rule of jungle is kill or die.
The only thing left to do is for me to accept my fate
The only thing left that will continue is a purple hue
I am the Eternal Morlock, but I must continue
Please do not try to find me; I will return in seven years
But to never
Spit-dragon, I lost my power
I cannot breathe like a fire
Spawn has arrive in the water
Mask, chain, neck to the boulder
I am the God of Warlock
The thunder, the alpha
A missing key, a void
I am the one that I seek
Only I […]
Lou Tzu once said
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace then you are living in the present”.
But what he didn’t realize is that I may not be anxious, but I am at peace. I am at peace with my depression, my insecurities, my scars, my imperfections, and my horrible thoughts. I may not be living in the present, past, or future, but I am living, and that is all that is important.
When I observe sites such as these, I can’t help but feel the pain worsen.
The pain consumes me on a daily basis. It controls my every move and creates ache throughout my empty frame. This hell to which I am trapped has become so familiar. And the bright future talked of every day, makes no sense to my clouded mind. I am most thankful of the smiles I fake throughout the day, misleading everyone who glances upon my face. This terrible reality to which I face is the most unbearable thing imaginable.
So when I am confronted with sites like […]
It’s a smile, a laugh, an ejaculation. Whatever it may be for you, the combination of neurotransmitters causing it will return to baseline and you will be sober, normal again, slowly but surely and without fail. The only rational way to preserve your sanity is to be 100% content with normal, sober existence which is unspeakably difficult for innumerable reasons that are beyond our control a huge majority of the time. You’re not 5 years old, I’m not going to go into why.
My innermost desire is to be at the very peak of pure, unadulterated happiness a human can experience and get beheaded right then. […]
I owe my life to you
you’ve helped me grow.
you kept me safe
on my darkest days, you were my light.
the last time I thought about taking my last breath, you were the one thing on my mind. I’ve always been vengeful, I’ve always wanted to see you suffer like you watched me – and I knew taking away something you cared about would hurt you more than anything.
two birds, one stone.
if I kill myself, it would kill you too.
but watching you smile –
hearing you breathe
makes me […]
Last night, or this morning, I did it again.
I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know where I’ve been.
I take a disposable razor, and work to get out the blade.
I let it curse my mind, and I let my sweet smile fade.
I take off all loose ends, and make the blade accessible.
Knowing what comes soon, what will become unforgettable.
It’s been a while since the last, will it hurt more?
Will I be able to stand up tall, or crying on the floor.
Does it bother you to know I’m not as perfect as I seem?
Is it troubling to wish that I could escape inside a dream?
As […]
Philosophically, I’m lower than the lowest low. My mind isn’t here anymore, I’m the most dangerous human being alive because even I don’t know what I’m going to do next. Every constructive, fruitful, positive outlook on life I have is crushed underneath the weight, the sheer gravity of our waking reality. This moment, is all there is. Time is meaningless, as is mathematics. These are nothing more than arbitrary measurements we use to quantify absolutely nothing, fleeting happiness in incoherent vortex of human brutality. Yeah, yeah get a goal, get motivated, work hard, work until your hands and calloused and bleeding, that’s the real treat, […]
I cut myself and I do it cuz I think it would make me feel better…my girlfriend told me yesterday that she didn’t love me and that I was wasting my time with her…and that its over…i loved her so much that I would have died for her as much as her best friend…her best friend was cutting her self too…and now I finally understand y… Her best friend said she would die for me and I thought that their is only three people who care about me and my ex girlfriend is not one of them…my family doesn’t love me…they all hate me and […]
It’s a double-edged sword and I’m balanced on its tip. I don’t want to be alive anymore, but I’m afraid to attempt suicide because I fear what would happen if I failed. So I hate myself anyway, and the fact that I am afraid to just end my life makes me hate myself even more because it shows me that I’m a coward.
Things are hectic. I have no control anymore. The more I tried to be normal the further away I was. I participated in “normal” activities. Yet I would always end up in the same place.
Crying my eyes out.
Alone.
In the closet.
Blade in my right hand.
Twiddling between my pointer and thumb.
Waiting for relief.
Asking whoever is listening, ‘why’.
Convincing myself not to do it.
Never believing.
Why can’t I be like all the reindeer in the reindeer games?
Red.
This is one of those nights where I feel like ish won’t go right…. I tried to keep telling myself things could be worse. But in reality … If it got any worse I just wouldn’t be able to make it…. Tonight I just wanna cry… But the tears don’t mean anything… Because no one cares… I don’t even care anymore… #FML