It’s getting closer to my time to go

So, this is my first time posting and I’ll try to keep it short.  My life has actually been pretty normal but i still have overwhelming darkness that over takes me somtimes.  It used to be triggered by big events but more and more it’s small and insignificant things that send me on a downward spiral.  I’ve read posts on this site off and on for my two years or so and sometimes it gives me enough perspective to realize that my life probably isn’t as bad as it feels or as i perceive it to be.  However, I still find myself contemplating ending it.  The closest i ever got?  I had my shotgun, in my mouth.  I put a shell in it and clicked off the safety.  I had my had finger ready to push down on the trigger.  I pussied out though.  For many off the same reasons i read on this site.  The gore factor, the location, my family and ect.  I’ve researched other methods but the odds success scare me.  I wanna be one and done.  Well that’s my little story.