When I was younger, I thought it was cool to have suicidal thoughts. I craved the attention and loved how people saw my ‘pain’. I forced myself to think things like, taking to many pills and hanging myself or whatever, but I guess I never really understood the meaning, because I never wondered what would happen to me after that. As I grew older, I changed from what you might call ‘Emo-style’, to look like a happy, tanned girl, with blonde hair. I could never loose weight though.
My problems is no longer that nobody see me, me problem is now, that people DO see me. They see my faults, they see me cry. It’s no longer me that forces myself to think such horrible things, but now they just come to me. Sometimes I can avoid them, when I’m with friends, but sitting here alone… That is pretty damn scary. The thing is, that I’m not sure I want to die, but I’m not sure if I want to live either. I’m not sure of anything anymore, only that I’m in pain, depressed, or whatever you might call it. And I’m seeking help, but when I don’t even know why I’m crying all the time or why I’m sad, how am I supposed to answer, when the shrinks look at me and say “Now my friend, what’s wrong with you?”
So instead of hanging with friends and care about my school, I just lay here, looking at the ceiling, waiting for something, anything, to change, but it never does. The thoughts just keep getting louder and louder and louder, until I just stop feeling anything.
4 comments
Just keep hanging on. Sometimes what we thinking is “feeling nothing” is our coping mechanism. Be stronger than depression.
Sometimes “feeling nothing” seems like a coping mechanism.
Be stronger than depression. You’re not alone.
And that is what sometimes keeps me going: There is always somebody out there in the world, who knows what it’s like, and who knows what I’m going through.
You definetly aren’t alone. I know how it feels to be alone. That’s how I feel now. I’ll pray for you & you’re in my thoughts. Stay strong, lovely.