My life changed 7 weeks ago.
7 weeks ago I found out my husband was having an emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend via email. What was worse, I found out that he planned to fly her out to our home whilst I was visiting family.
I called him on it and I ended up going back to visit the family as planned but knowing this woman would be coming into our home and sleeping with my husband in our bed. I told no-one but the pain was immense.
I felt I couldn’t say that much as we had also been the result of an affair some 19 years earlier and had caused our own share of heartache for others. So getting my just desserts I guess. But during this time, the hsuband and I continued to speak via email and I got on the plane to come home believing that there was still hope for us and that the marriage could be saved.
He informed me that evening, the day I arrived back, that the marriage was over. I was crushed. Two days later my flights were booked to return to where my family lives. I was torn by all this.
I found out it was his intention to have this woman move in with him although he continued to say that he still cared about me but that he was miserable and couldn’t continue life in this way. Makes him sound like a shit, doesn’t it? But the truth is, our marriage had been suffering for a while and although we got on great, there were some key issues that we didn’t seem able to solve and that he refused to go for counselling to resolve. It takes two to build a marriage and two to break it.
Then, not quite two weeks later, after he’d told me we were through, we were having a bit of a tense discussion and I realised that this truly was it. We were through.
The best way I can describe this is it being like a hurricane. There was all the noise and storm of my emotions, the anger and the tears etc. But when this realisation hit me, I entered the eye of the storm. All I could think about was how I needed to just stop the pain which I could no longer cope with. I felt my heart break and knew I needed oblivion as quickly as possi
That night, I took pills with a bottle of champagne and, as we were now in separate bedrooms, locked myself into mine and poured a bath and tried to slit my wrists. Due to poor timing with pills taking, a blunt steak knife etc, my husband broke into our bedroom and discovered me the following early morning. I was taken to hospital and later sent to the local mental hospital where I was kept on suicide watch for 48hrs then finally released 3 days later.
After this, my husband and I started talking and saying all those things we should have said to one another a long time ago. But even with this renewed feeling for each other, I still ended up flying back to where I came from. Now the woman has moved in with him. I am here, in a little one bedroom flat. I miss him every day. I hurt every day and I cut every day.
Some days are better than others in that I don’t cry. But mostly days are depressed and I feel the mood hit me the minute I walk through the door of my flat. I drink a bottle of wine a night.
Tonight, the desperation has me and, if I had a decent stash of pills and some alcohol, I think I would climb into that bath and try again and hopefully succeeed. My husband told me when I was in the hospital and I first came round that I was crying that I was still alive, begging them to help me end the pain, pleading that they would just od me so I could go. I don’t remember it but it seems about right.
I just hate this pain. I miss my husband and rightly or wrongly, I can’t stand the thought of being without him. I miss him. I wish he would have reconsidered counselling as maybe we could have made it.
I’m so tired to trying to find reasons to keep breathing. I feel like I’m wasting good oxygen. Truly I do, I’m so tired of keeping going. To what end? For what purpose? It only seems to be about making it better for other people rather than me.
So here I am, still taking up oxygen, still existing but not knowing what for.
4 comments
I have a similar situation. My wife left me after I lost money in the stock market….never even had one conversation with me. She is my world. I can’t function and have no desire to do anything. I’ve thought about it for a couple of months and Friday is my last day of relentless crying and suffering.
I am so sorry for your pain. I know it is an untenable and unbearable pain. I frequently struggle with the question of why I still exist and you can find my other postings about my own troubles but there just seems to be no point; no logic. We can make uneducated guesses like there is something left we must do but there is so little that is tangible anymore.
I’ve said this many times; writing and posting here helps to diffuse things a bit. But what is more important is the community and finding others that can truly listen. My sense is that you are very, very alone. And you might even feel like that is what you want or need right now but I would encourage you to find someone that you can trust and talk to. Someone that will just listen.
That’s a tall order – I know it. But please understand that regardless of what you think you have done in the past or what you feel you are responsible for past or present, you are very worthy of the love and caring you need and especially deserve. Try to remember that.
– peace
Hi Nozmoking,
You are right when you said that posting here seems to help diffuse things a bit – the intensity of the feelings and helplessness. I was touched by your answer.
I’m just waiting for the stupid Drs to hurry up and get me my counselling. I’ve been “at risk” for 3 weeks now and still waiting to see someone. I’ve called Samaritans a few times because – Lord knows why, a tiny spark still wants to live – I can only think it is that determination of the human spirit to cling to life regardless of how shit it is.
So I hold on. I’m going to check out your posts and see where your pain lies. In the meantime, know that I survived another day, and here I still am, not sure if that is a triumph or a tragedy. But today, let’s call it a triumph, just to end on an upbeat note. Thanks guy! X
Well it might be over with you husband. But that is not the end of your life. I know people who hav been married and divirced 5 times in their lives. Sometimes people get together and have this lov for each other and get married to start life togthr but somewhere down the line one or both of the parties comes to the conclusion that something is lacking in the marrage and then one of thm meets another person who meet there needs and then the marrage comes to an end. It happens.
and in this case you are the one getting the short side of the stick so to speak but it is no reason to kill yourslef. You still have life in you. So think of this as a new start. You may meet somebody down the line that loves you and supports you and you might be more happy with that person they you ever were before.
So dont give up. And please stop the cutting. Cutting does nothing good to you. It wont kill you and it wont mke you feel better. Its just self harm that is senseless. Find somebody you n talk to about these issues just to get it off your chest and then start making plans to carry on with your life. I have loved a few women for some time and then we each needed to go our seprat ways. But I just keep moving on and somebody ese always comes along.
hang in there. Get some counseling if you need it.