There is this belief that when you attempt or successfully exit, you leave behind a league of people sad, distraught, angry, hurt and so on.
I think that’s a load of horse-shit.
First, let’s examine the facts: tomorrow will arrive, so will the day after, and the day after that. Whether I’m here or not, this planet – and all it’s faults – will keep turning.
It means that ordinary, happy and successful life for everyone else will continue. Sure, there may be a few tears shed for a day or two. But everyone – everyone – will move on, as they do. I know I personally will not be missed anymore beyond that day of tears shed by a select few people. But I’m not allowing that to deter me, mostly because I know that they will continue to lead happy, healthy lives. My life has never been happy or healthy, and indeed, it is my choice to exit, not anyone else.
So when I hear of this nonsense: “you don’t know who you’re affecting when you commit suicide”, I simply say this: “yes, I do. And they’ll forget about me and what happened as quickly as they got sad in the first place”.
An ex-girlfriend of mine used to tell me, “a year from now will be a year ago” – and she’s right. Most people don’t remember the details of life a year ago. People will move on, I’ll have exited (at last), and the sun still rises. Funny, I used to say that on my darkest days: “the sun still rises”. The only thing that bullshit statement means is that, whether I’m here or not, everyone else will still be. The planet won’t stop for me – and I don’t want it to.
So, forget the nonsense and the hyperbole of the people you affect when you exit. It is literally nonsense.
5 comments
I think familial relationships are different though. There’s an animalistic instinct that inflicts horrendous pain on parents who lose children. It’s the only thing that gives me pause. If my parents weren’t alive I probably would already have done it, and if I had kids that were still small I wouldn’t even consider it.
Hi goodnight,
I can understand that completely. I think the reason I feel the way I do is because I know what and how my family reacts to loss. When my dad died, I think I was the only one in my immediate family that gave (and still gives) a shit. I think my mom and my brothers might be a bit sad but they will move on about as quickly as they did when my dad passed away.
I agree, some families are different and their relationships are different, indeed. But there’s nothing to suggest that they too wouldn’t move on. Everyone moves on – alive or dead. I just choose to move on dead.
I tease with the idea of solipsism sometimes. This would absolve the suicidal person of any guilt.
I am not saying this is the case for everyone….but I know several ppl in my family has commited suicide. One being my dad. The rest extended family. There is also a friend of mine that committed suicide.
The wreckage it leaves behind might not be might not be the over dramatically exagerated fields of emotional fires and all. But it does leave damages behind. My family was not a well functioning one. We were not close really. The first thing my mom said about it was “at least he is in his right mind now” he was not mentally challenged or anything like that. He did have a temper and was a bit on the abusive side…..anyway…..if you ask my sister how he died, she will say heart attack. Not because she hasn’t accepted it or that she is ashamed in any way. Cause when ppl ask, and you say he shot himself…..they may mean well, but it takes them back a little. And they may mean well but most begin the questions, was he ill, did you see it coming, and so on and so on. And she simply doesn’t want to have to go through it with ppl all the time. You say heart attack and they express a quick sympathetically sorry to here that and move on like its normal and ok. That was my experience with family. Bothers me to this day with hi being gone in general not so much the way but doesn’t devistate me…..my friend and non family experience. I can say the same thing. Still saddens me from time to time. I do not judge them for it. It was there choice and they made it. I can respect that. But that doesn’t make it all the feelings disappear like they never existed.
So no, it’s not all bs or just nonsense. But at the same rate it’s not the movie style dramatic wake of wreckage either. Those who have experienced similar I believe would agree with me and what I said. You yourself even speak of the hurt as you go on to assume no one else feels the way you do. I think you would be surprised to learn how much the same others in your family feel and possibly think that you do not care yourself……I do not attack you in anyway by saying this. So please don’t take it that way. I can see others saying the same thing. I see the and have felt the myriad of feelings and emotions throughout the stages of this. And simply I can relate. Just remember ppl react and respond and express and ultimately deal with things differently.
The other day I envisioned a scenario of my mother saying to somebody who asked “how is your son?” and she said “he committed suicide” and I honestly felt no emotion.
I really think my suicide will have a tremendous affect on my grandmother. She lost two kids, her husband and a grandson (my cousin) and not to mention a close friend recently.
It’ll affect my parents for sure. The rest of the family can get fucked. Hardly any of them go out of their way to speak to me anyway. My death won’t cause pain.
Friends? 1 or 2 might feel genuine sorrow. The rest will move on.
Girlfriend? Don’t have one. Never will.
Why do I have to suffer in my life just so others don’t suffer in my death?