Hello friends 🙂
So things have gone up and down repeatedly in the past week. I was contemplating ending my life last Thursday. And I obviously didn’t– I was in a bit of a depressed daze, I guess. But I decided to give my “new life” a go. Recently I put in a shit load of effort and got a really fantastic job in the city, a job a lot of people would kill for. I’ve been so busy with that lately. Seems like things should be great for me. And I guess they are. Only I’m now more seriously suicidal than I’ve ever been. Why? Who the fuck knows why. I’m just so, so tired of fighting this demon in my head that perpetually sucks and rips the life from me. It is never, ever satisfied.
I think I kill the depression but I don’t. It’s like a war in my head and I’m the only soldier left fighting for freedom. I can’t battle an army on my own anymore.
So the bottom line is that I’m done with it. I’ve surrendered. I’ve lost.
I’m not going to post one of those “if you don’t hear from me by such-and-such-date, it’s because I’ve killed myself” posts. I can just guarantee to you that by the end of next week, I will be dead. That’s a promise I’ve made to myself, and I wanted to share that.
Will post my “goodbye” when the moment is right. I’m not picking a date.
27 comments
I’m sorry to hear that and completely understand.. it’s hard being pro choice and not being able to tell someone not to do it.. I would be a total hypocrite if I did. so I hope you will find your peace… do you have guaranteed method?
Thanks <3
I'll decide for sure on a method by the end of next week. I've always liked a bit of an adrenaline rush though; so it will be something violent and fast. It's the only way I feel comfortable going. Whatever is available to me at the time; might be a cliff or might be a train (though I'd rather it wasn't a train because I don't want to ruin the driver's life, that would be a bit rude of me) might be the balcony of the high-rise I work in. We will see. I just hate planning things. I just do what feels right.
yeah it’s hard… I could never do train either for that exact reason…. I’m thinking maybe another try of OD for me
Do you think if you keep trying then one day it’ll work, it’s so hard to OD these days and with modern drugs, I don’t know if I can convince you otherwise but I hope you won’t try again. I know you feel there’s nothing that can help you and that you feel you’ll never get over what happened. I just wish there was something that could help, it’s sad to see you continue to tear yourself apart.
For a long time i’ve been searching for a way to discover Truth, understand it, and share it with everyone to help stop the suffering of everyone in the world, but i am only human, i don’t know how to do it. Sorry. 🙁
You know what, I’ve been doing the exact same thing. And it’s a grand thing to do. It takes a very wise soul to attempt to piece together this jumbled existence and share what you’ve learnt with others. You’re more than human for even attempting this. Don’t apologise. You’re a brilliant soul, and don’t forget it. Keep trying. Keep searching, for as long as you can. That’s a life well lived, even if it’s a short life.
Life well lived? Then why are tears coming to my eyes now?
Because the world is so fucking cruel to brilliant, smart people. I don’t know why. I don’t know how to stop it, either. That’s why I’m ending it; because I can’t stop the bizarre cruelty inflicted upon me. But I’m still proud of the fact that I was/am one of the wiser ones.
Before next week comes to an end, and you end yourself, email me first and chat with me until then, or click my nickname and reach me through there, yes? Lets see how it goes. 🙂
lmzf23@gmail.com
The mistake Robin Williams made and all of us here contemplating suicide is we’re trying to kill the wrong entity. That demon in your head that yells, tells you you’re horrible, badgers you, that’s the entity that needs to be killed. So, I think by killing myself I’m killing this “thing”. What I don’t realize is that I created this “thing”. Nobody put it in my head, it didn’t just appear one day all by itself, society or the world didn’t make it, I made it. If I made this ego demon, then I can unmake it. Unmaking it might be as simple as shining a light on it. Maybe stop fighting it so hard, “Oh, hello Mr Demon here you are again. Say, I don’t have any use for you anymore, so, it’s time to part company.”
I’ve done everything from fighting the demon to coexisting with the demon; I’ve hated it and I’ve loved it, I’ve fought it harshly and I’ve fought it softly. There’s got to come a point where enough is enough.
I felt like this before, like a war in your head. I always describe it Like that, as if your the only one fighting. I wish there was something I could say that could help you, plz know you are in my thoughts.
I don’t have a demon, just a hole that will never be healed…. I’m certainly not trying to sound insensitive here, but I honestly think having a demon would be easier. There is HOPE for recovery, for everything to be ok. Nothing short of a miracle can make things ok for me. :-/
Please don’t go. Try a benzo script if things are really this bad.
Giving your life for others will give your life meaning. Those of us who have been through so much pain are in a unique position to offer our experiences and support to others in a rough spot in their lives. I have had a change of heart myself over the last few days about my purpose. Severe depression builds your capacity for empathy. Your struggle is not in vain if you can use it in this manner.
I agree with you completely. I have always been wholly empathetic towards people who I understand. Strangers and friends alike. In my short life I’ve actually managed to save a few lives because of that. I can help everyone except for myself, and now I’m being selfish. Yes I’m being selfish. I recognise that. And I’m okay with that.
While I am glad to hear you are okay and that things are looking up for you, I am disheartened to hear about your upcoming “plans”.
The world could use more sparkle, more kind, intelligent, genuine people like yourself.
I hope you find a sense of purpose to stand back up and resist that demon in your head.
If you cannot, may the peace you seek in yourself be more serene knowing that you will not be forgotten.
You always make me smile. You’re right, the world could use more sparkle. Problem is I think I’ve ran out of glitter to throw around.
Having had an improvement in your life you must have expected some of the demons would go away but when they didn’t then it brought you down to a new low. It’s just one of those things, even if things change for the better the demons can remain, one wonders how to finally get rid of them. I suppose death is one way but it’s so sad that when things are looking up for you, suicide is more likely. I hope that between now and next week something will change your mind, you’re so young, 18, I believe, too young to make such a decision. Don’t go yet even if you feel in your own mind it’s time, it’s just those demons speaking and they can be conquered. Please, if you find yourself on the edge of life, prepared to go but you’re scared and just want to cry, come back here, we’ll always be ready to hear you.
I have so many years left to live, and that scares me. I’m not sure I want to live for decade and decade fighting the undefeatable. My iPhone says that undefeatable isn’t a word but I’m making it one.
Although you may not be able to defeat it completely you can minimize the effects it has on you, somehow, I don’t have the answers. At 18, you do have a long time ahead of you, I’m 46 so I know how long it feels since I was 18 and I wish I could go back to then. It doesn’t have to be a struggle, it may be at the present but things have a habit of changing, you can’t predict the future, at 18, I thought I’d be married with my own house and children by 30, on well, still waiting. I know you have a feeling that you’ll have a good death but suicide can’t be predicted, please leave it for now and stay with us. I hope you don’t think I’m being naive about what you’re going through and I don’t understand, I do try to and I care that you’ll be ok.
“It’s like a war in my head and I’m the only soldier left fighting for freedom. I can’t battle an army on my own anymore”.
Your first mistake is your misconception of “freedom” – your arse will always adhere to the whim of a person or ideal that you are totally unaware of until it’s too late. Your second is thinking that you’re alone. Um… Hello?!? We’re right here with you!!! And I’ll be damned if I’ll fuckin’ let you surrender!
Even with my bad leg: I’d still fling you over my shoulders and carry out of this Gotterdammerung.
Look… You don’t have to acknowledge it, but I’m leaving a suggestion with you that if you feel like doing so – and think that it might help alleviate some of the tension or perhaps you need some overwhelming fire support from a guy who can pull apart/put back together a machine gun in just under a minute – then by all means feel free to send me an email.
In the meantime – pick up your rifle, beat your chest thrice and put on your meanest, most war-ry “I’m gonna eat your spleen!” face whilst continuing on with the fight! Gear up, soldier!!!
You’re a pretty amazing person, you know that?
I’ll shoot you an email later today in my lunch break.
Erm… it’s now only just occurred to me that I don’t have your email.
Click on that pesky little Edit button next to my comment, and you shall find the answer you’re looking for. 🙂
Sparkle Dolls, you never read my comment, that somehow is “awaiting moderation”.
My fail, sorry to bother, delete it if you can.
I feel all of the things you are feeling. Just pure exhaustion. I don’t want to live another day, but I know I have to.
Email me at some point before next week is over. As an 18 year old girl who is struggling to find the answers herself, I don’t know how much help I’ll be. But I don’t want you to go. There’s so much more fight left in you than you think. You know my age. I’m a young person myself and I can’t go. You can’t either. We have to fight together.
To think it was six years since we first connected, and at least five since we last spoke. What we could’ve been… will always be my greatest failure. If I knew then what I know now– things would’ve been different. If you remember what I’d told you all those years ago, take solace in that I’ve made amends with everyone and everything. The only missing piece is you.
For what it’s worth; I can only smile when I look back and think about you.
Shine on, Sparkle Dolls.