Hello friends š
So things have gone up and down repeatedly in the past week. I was contemplating ending my life last Thursday. And I obviously didnātā I was in a bit of a depressed daze, I guess. But I decided to give my ānew lifeā a go. Recently I put in a shit load of effort and got a really fantastic job in the city, a job a lot of people would kill for. Iāve been so busy with that lately. Seems like things should be great for me. And I guess they are. Only Iām now more seriously suicidal than Iāve ever been. Why? Who the fuck knows why. Iām just so, so tired of fighting this demon in my head that perpetually sucks and rips the life from me. It is never, ever satisfied.
I think I kill the depression but I donāt. Itās like a war in my head and Iām the only soldier left fighting for freedom. I canāt battle an army on my own anymore.
So the bottom line is that Iām done with it. Iāve surrendered. Iāve lost.
Iām not going to post one of those āif you donāt hear from me by such-and-such-date, itās because Iāve killed myselfā posts. I can just guarantee to you that by the end of next week, I will be dead. Thatās a promise Iāve made to myself, and I wanted to share that.
Will post my āgoodbyeā when the moment is right. Iām not picking a date.
27 comments
Iām sorry to hear that and completely understand.. itās hard being pro choice and not being able to tell someone not to do it.. I would be a total hypocrite if I did. so I hope you will find your peaceā¦ do you have guaranteed method?
Thanks <3
I'll decide for sure on a method by the end of next week. I've always liked a bit of an adrenaline rush though; so it will be something violent and fast. It's the only way I feel comfortable going. Whatever is available to me at the time; might be a cliff or might be a train (though I'd rather it wasn't a train because I don't want to ruin the driver's life, that would be a bit rude of me) might be the balcony of the high-rise I work in. We will see. I just hate planning things. I just do what feels right.
yeah itās hardā¦ I could never do train either for that exact reasonā¦. Iām thinking maybe another try of OD for me
Do you think if you keep trying then one day itāll work, itās so hard to OD these days and with modern drugs, I donāt know if I can convince you otherwise but I hope you wonāt try again. I know you feel thereās nothing that can help you and that you feel youāll never get over what happened. I just wish there was something that could help, itās sad to see you continue to tear yourself apart.
For a long time iāve been searching for a way to discover Truth, understand it, and share it with everyone to help stop the suffering of everyone in the world, but i am only human, i donāt know how to do it. Sorry. š
You know what, Iāve been doing the exact same thing. And itās a grand thing to do. It takes a very wise soul to attempt to piece together this jumbled existence and share what youāve learnt with others. Youāre more than human for even attempting this. Donāt apologise. Youāre a brilliant soul, and donāt forget it. Keep trying. Keep searching, for as long as you can. Thatās a life well lived, even if itās a short life.
Life well lived? Then why are tears coming to my eyes now?
Because the world is so fucking cruel to brilliant, smart people. I donāt know why. I donāt know how to stop it, either. Thatās why Iām ending it; because I canāt stop the bizarre cruelty inflicted upon me. But Iām still proud of the fact that I was/am one of the wiser ones.
Before next week comes to an end, and you end yourself, email me first and chat with me until then, or click my nickname and reach me through there, yes? Lets see how it goes. š
lmzf23@gmail.com
The mistake Robin Williams made and all of us here contemplating suicide is weāre trying to kill the wrong entity. That demon in your head that yells, tells you youāre horrible, badgers you, thatās the entity that needs to be killed. So, I think by killing myself Iām killing this āthingā. What I donāt realize is that I created this āthingā. Nobody put it in my head, it didnāt just appear one day all by itself, society or the world didnāt make it, I made it. If I made this ego demon, then I can unmake it. Unmaking it might be as simple as shining a light on it. Maybe stop fighting it so hard, āOh, hello Mr Demon here you are again. Say, I donāt have any use for you anymore, so, itās time to part company.ā
Iāve done everything from fighting the demon to coexisting with the demon; Iāve hated it and Iāve loved it, Iāve fought it harshly and Iāve fought it softly. Thereās got to come a point where enough is enough.
I felt like this before, like a war in your head. I always describe it Like that, as if your the only one fighting. I wish there was something I could say that could help you, plz know you are in my thoughts.
I donāt have a demon, just a hole that will never be healedā¦. Iām certainly not trying to sound insensitive here, but I honestly think having a demon would be easier. There is HOPE for recovery, for everything to be ok. Nothing short of a miracle can make things ok for me. :-/
Please donāt go. Try a benzo script if things are really this bad.
Giving your life for others will give your life meaning. Those of us who have been through so much pain are in a unique position to offer our experiences and support to others in a rough spot in their lives. I have had a change of heart myself over the last few days about my purpose. Severe depression builds your capacity for empathy. Your struggle is not in vain if you can use it in this manner.
I agree with you completely. I have always been wholly empathetic towards people who I understand. Strangers and friends alike. In my short life Iāve actually managed to save a few lives because of that. I can help everyone except for myself, and now Iām being selfish. Yes Iām being selfish. I recognise that. And Iām okay with that.
While I am glad to hear you are okay and that things are looking up for you, I am disheartened to hear about your upcoming āplansā.
The world could use more sparkle, more kind, intelligent, genuine people like yourself.
I hope you find a sense of purpose to stand back up and resist that demon in your head.
If you cannot, may the peace you seek in yourself be more serene knowing that you will not be forgotten.
You always make me smile. Youāre right, the world could use more sparkle. Problem is I think Iāve ran out of glitter to throw around.
Having had an improvement in your life you must have expected some of the demons would go away but when they didnāt then it brought you down to a new low. Itās just one of those things, even if things change for the better the demons can remain, one wonders how to finally get rid of them. I suppose death is one way but itās so sad that when things are looking up for you, suicide is more likely. I hope that between now and next week something will change your mind, youāre so young, 18, I believe, too young to make such a decision. Donāt go yet even if you feel in your own mind itās time, itās just those demons speaking and they can be conquered. Please, if you find yourself on the edge of life, prepared to go but youāre scared and just want to cry, come back here, weāll always be ready to hear you.
I have so many years left to live, and that scares me. Iām not sure I want to live for decade and decade fighting the undefeatable. My iPhone says that undefeatable isnāt a word but Iām making it one.
Although you may not be able to defeat it completely you can minimize the effects it has on you, somehow, I donāt have the answers. At 18, you do have a long time ahead of you, Iām 46 so I know how long it feels since I was 18 and I wish I could go back to then. It doesnāt have to be a struggle, it may be at the present but things have a habit of changing, you canāt predict the future, at 18, I thought Iād be married with my own house and children by 30, on well, still waiting. I know you have a feeling that youāll have a good death but suicide canāt be predicted, please leave it for now and stay with us. I hope you donāt think Iām being naive about what youāre going through and I donāt understand, I do try to and I care that youāll be ok.
āItās like a war in my head and Iām the only soldier left fighting for freedom. I canāt battle an army on my own anymoreā.
Your first mistake is your misconception of āfreedomā ā your arse will always adhere to the whim of a person or ideal that you are totally unaware of until itās too late. Your second is thinking that youāre alone. Umā¦ Hello?!? Weāre right here with you!!! And Iāll be damned if Iāll fuckinā let you surrender!
Even with my bad leg: Iād still fling you over my shoulders and carry out of this Gotterdammerung.
Lookā¦ You donāt have to acknowledge it, but Iām leaving a suggestion with you that if you feel like doing so ā and think that it might help alleviate some of the tension or perhaps you need some overwhelming fire support from a guy who can pull apart/put back together a machine gun in just under a minute ā then by all means feel free to send me an email.
In the meantime ā pick up your rifle, beat your chest thrice and put on your meanest, most war-ry āIām gonna eat your spleen!ā face whilst continuing on with the fight! Gear up, soldier!!!
Youāre a pretty amazing person, you know that?
Iāll shoot you an email later today in my lunch break.
Ermā¦ itās now only just occurred to me that I donāt have your email.
Click on that pesky little Edit button next to my comment, and you shall find the answer youāre looking for. š
Sparkle Dolls, you never read my comment, that somehow is āawaiting moderationā.
My fail, sorry to bother, delete it if you can.
I feel all of the things you are feeling. Just pure exhaustion. I donāt want to live another day, but I know I have to.
Email me at some point before next week is over. As an 18 year old girl who is struggling to find the answers herself, I donāt know how much help Iāll be. But I donāt want you to go. Thereās so much more fight left in you than you think. You know my age. Iām a young person myself and I canāt go. You canāt either. We have to fight together.
To think it was six years since we first connected, and at least five since we last spoke. What we couldāve beenā¦ will always be my greatest failure. If I knew then what I know nowā things wouldāve been different. If you remember what Iād told you all those years ago, take solace in that Iāve made amends with everyone and everything. The only missing piece is you.
For what itās worth; I can only smile when I look back and think about you.
Shine on, Sparkle Dolls.