whatever

Yes… my life sucks. I don’t think that it sucks that much. Evertime I think I hate my life I think on those people who are worst than me. Like little kinds in Somalia and that shit… that’s the cultural instinct. But I don’t really care anymore. Who the fuck cares if there is someone in a situation worse than mine? That doesn’t make it less painful..

I don’t know, I don’t really care about it anymore. I don’t want to kill myself, that’s the thing… in my mind, there is still hope.. or at least, I crave for some hope… I’m desperate to think there is still some light at the end of the tunel because I don’t want to die, I want to live a happy life, but I can’t..

And what’s the point? There is none… so, why keep on living? Why should I carry on? I don’t know, I just know that I want to die but I don’t want to die… I’m scared because I don’t want to disappear… I don’t want it to end like this… for so long I imagined myself with her until the end, keeping me company… but is impossible to carry on life, with all it’s unbearable, crushing void, with all its meaninglessness, all the illusions of happynness, all false hopes… my mind is impossible to bear anymore… I can’t stand the thinking… I hate to think, I don’t want to think anymore.. I wish my brain would just stop working or I have amnesya… my mind is the worst, it’s like an itch I can’t scratch…

I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to keep living.

I don’t know what to do anymore… I don’t know how to resolve myself… this.

There’s no way I can get out of this. I could carry on, try to meet someone else, try to be happy with other things… but nothing has ever made me tryly happy, ever. I don’t find joy in anything anymore. Movies, games, books… it’s not the same anymore and everytime I try something, it gets worst. Everything is so bad, so poorly made… so… decadent. I feel like shit talking like this. All these concepts of man, all these illusions we create to sustain a sense of meaning, but I see the illusion, I see the reality.. I know many of you see it too. And I can’t stand it… the questions with no answers… fuck those. “Why?” Who the FUCK invented that word? Why… I can’t not ask that question in my mind over and over and over and over again… and the simple truth is, there is no answer. She doesn’t love me anymore, for whatever reason… after all this time, all the things she said before… all the things she said she felt, It all disappeared over night…

And she was everything… in a world with no meaning, she was that meaning. Where I couldn’t find any motivation to live, she was my motivation for everything. She made the movies watchables, the books readable…. I didn’t care what, If I needed to do it in order to be with her, I would do it without any thoughts… but now she’s gone… she took everything.. I don’t know how to eat, I haven’t drinked water since yesterday and I’m not even thirsty and I don’t understand how’s that even possible… I can’t stand the pain in body… my back, my head, my heart.. it all hurts so much, physically… I don’t know how to live. I don’t remember how I lived before her. Is like I was dead and she gave me life and now I’m dead again.. it’s all so dark and fuzzy and heavy… three days passed and I don’t even remember how or what…

I don’t want to die, I want to believe she’s coming back, that I can get her back, that she can love me and give me life again, but it’s not gonna happen, I know…

I don’t want to die because I want to live, but I also don’t want to live… I want to die… I don’t know how I even exist anymore… I’m shit.