So I am a senior male in high school. I’m 17 going on 18 at the end of June. There’s this one kid Zack who is a freshman at my school and I fucking hate him. I haven’t really talked to him but knowing what he does makes me sick. He dates a girl and makes out with her and everything, he is all sweet and charming and everything (little does anybody know he’s really a ***** and extremely aggressive and violent with guys) but the catch about the girls he dates is that they all self-harm (usually cutting). Sounds like a sweet boy right? WRONG!!! He dates them, then flirts with her friends, cheats on his first girlfriend and finally breaks up and moves on to the next. It’s an ongoing pattern, but the worst part is is his victims. They are all depressed and feel they can’t be loved then Zack comes along and rescues them only to drop them hard. He’s cheating on his girlfriend now. I really want to warn all of the girls he is talking to because they’re already suicidal and depressed, then when he is done with them it hurts them even more knowing they were never loved by him and he was cheating on them…I found out about all of this from a really close (girl) friend who dated him and during that period completely shut me out then came back crying when she found out he was cheating on her. It seems like he has run out of girls to fuck up…I’m just afraid about next year with all the incoming freshman…I fucking hate him!! LIKE WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKING *****?????? I feel like it’s because they are easier to prey on because they’re weak and susceptible to anything like that…but no you are not weak. You are all strong!!! please everyone stay safe I love you (i honestly do, I cut myself too i understand) you’re so fucking beautiful…please do your best <3
For about six weeks, things were actually going pretty good. I found a job, after six months without full-time work. I started running again several days a week, which clears my mind and stabilizes my mood in a way that nothing else can (I can’t swim, for instance, and I hate lifting weights because of all the pauses where my thoughts can creep back in). I went two whole weeks without wishing I was dead, for probably the first time in a couple years.
And then a week ago I hurt my knee and had to stop running. A few days after that I got into a squabble with a roommate and then a fight with a friend. And then today I discovered that I was wrong about my job, which I thought would be challenging work but consistent hours and focused on one area. It turns out the company is making a huge push toward a late July deadline. Today the engineering lead (not my boss, but still) announced there would be two “non-obligatory” late night sessions per week until 9-10 pm for the next couple months, and the area I thought I would be working in (and that I was interested in) would probably not be a priority. If I had known that when I was interviewing, I would never have considered that company. I’ve done that shit before and I just don’t care nearly enough to do it again. I’ve never been at a full-time job for less than a year but I might be about to shatter that record.
So I guess it just never ends. You can’t work your way back slowly one step at a time, because once you succeed at step 1 people will just throw more and harder challenges at you. And no matter what there is always going to be people causing conflict and drama and making me want to go around just flipping everybody off.
At least I know to never get my hopes up again.
I don’t feel like myself anymore. Any way I say it sounds stupid, but why am I expected to love myself when I cant even recall who i am?
There is so much I hate about myself and I cant see through it anymore. Ive been trying for years to be better. So many years. I cant do this anymore, I just cant. Im wearing thin.
When I look at myself, I don’t see me, I see someone else. She’s so familiar now. I know her more than I know myself.
She despises who i am, she’s hateful and deceiving, she’s scared and hurt. She’s the worst part of me. She’s almost all of me now.
Lets just call her LostKat. Oh, how ironic that is.
If anyone can find RealKat please let me know. Ive been waiting a very long time to see her.
I miss you RKat, Love,
LostKat Forever <3
Drink enough gold schlager you can too.
All jokes aside. I don’t drink. Read this in an optimistic tone: things suck right now. They’ve sucked for awhile. Maybe they always will. Who knows? You surely don’t. If you’re the religious type, Bible says path to heaven is narrow and hard to find. Not sure that’s my flavor. Point is, living a good fulfilling life is hard as fuck.
I see a lot of people ask, I’ve asked myself even, why bother? Why not? See you and I , we’re the same. Everyday, we stare death in his face and say “fuck you! Bring it knob gobbler!” So what could you fear? What should I fear. What most call a near miss, we call a near success. I did some crazy reaching out today. I had 100% success. If I failed so what?
I know. 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days from now… I’ll be here to pity myself. Really, regardless of y’all love for me, it’s ultimately on me to soldier on. To remember spitting in deaths face. Tempting him to take me. Alas he won’t. Not yet. Until then, the fuck you or anyone going to do? Beat me? Ha, I love the pain. Rob me? I’m broke as fuck. Say something mean? Dude, I try killing myself on the regular. Kill me? Good luck, seriously, please get my whole face in front of the gun.
There’s a few things I can do. Maybe. Maybe not. I’m just going to do my best not to sweat it. Really worst case I got like 50 years of this shit left. Maybe more or less.
My point is, much as whiskered fish has already spoke on, we are our biggest threat. We can’t run or hide from ourselves. Have mercy on the planet if that inward hatred ever turns outward.
this has been the most emotionally exhausting day of my entire godforsaken existence. I don’t know what to do or think anymore, I’m just crying and crying. I’ve got the absolute worst headache from having 5 hours of sleep and 4 hours of crying. This just fucking sucks ass.
I had to call my mother and tell her I’m self-harming. She says she thought I was the one thing she got right in her life, but apparently I’m not. So, great. Fan-fucking-tastic. I have ruined my mother’s life and all this without her even knowing I’m suicidal. she asked why I would even tell her if there wasn’t anything I wanted her to do and since as far as she knows this phone call was my idea, I said what the counselor said, which is just that as a mother it was the kind of thing she would want to know.
She is so disappointed in me. I can hear it in her voice. I ruin everything. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.
My urges to kill are getting worse along with my apathy. So, I picked one of the worst days to escape. Yet, I find it amusing in a sadistic sort of way. For my sins, burning in Hell is a fate far too kind for me. I’m a monster… And I’m okay with that.
I’ve been at the gym for three hours. Just trying to keep moving, keep distracted.
Every time I slow down it catches up. Sinking feeling, a punch in the gut. Not for any particular reason, of course. That’s the worst part.
I know drowning is a cliche but that’s what it is. Just treading water. If you stop even for a second, you go under.
And the worst part is I don’t even OWN a dog.
Anyway, woke up today with a terrible earache, which probably means my ear infection came back.
Hurts to eat or drink anything (chewing and swallowing, ouch).
It even hurts to talk.
So here I am, sitting quietly at home, eating and drinking nothing.
For as long as I can remember, I didn’t think life was worth living because everything in my eyes was absurd, then I met a guy, started talking to him and he made me feel loved, he gave me a reason to smile again, But on October 20th I got word that my nephew had committed suicide. I hit a new low. I was at ROCK BOTTOM. Getting that news was paralyzing. I felt like my dreams were ripped from my very hands, torn, and thrown in my face. I started to shut everyone out including the guy who was my light for several months. He didn’t understand the situation and got very aggravated with me, things blew up and we broke things off, with the hope of getting back with him in the future, when my family would ask about him it was easier for me to say he got locked up for distributing drugs (he sold cocaine) then to actually tell them what happened. After that and the loss of my nephew, I was in the worst state of mind I had ever been in I couldn’t hide the feeling of despair that had been clouding my mind for years. My crying and negative thoughts got so out of hand that my mom would plead with me everyday to get help, and I know that when she would leave me she was afraid that it might have been the last time she would see me alive. I didn’t see change for a very long time, although it was getting easier to keep my feelings at bay until I was alone. In Late February I dropped my mom off at a bus station and hugged her tight because I had a plan, My mom was going on a five day cruise and would be back the following Friday and I was to pick her up from the bus stop, except i wasn’t planning on picking her up, I was planing on jumping off of the exit of I10 onto 410 the Night before she got back to Texas just so she’d get the news when she was on land and able to come back to San Antonio as opposed to being in the middle of the ocean helpless. I don’t really know what stopped me that day, but Right now I wish It hadn’t, I wish I would have driven up to that overpass and jumped. It’s taking me everything I have not to catch an uber or taxi up there.
sorry to post again put I’m too unstable I was fine the part of that wanted to left . But he went vacation because it’s back and I am not OK . The only thing I want to do is miraculously drop dead or cut myself honestly . I don’t know why I want to do that, but I have so much heaviness in my chest right now .that maybe if I cut it might let some of this black greasy feeling out. It feels like I’m in Mourning like someone die that’s how sad and hopeless I feel. I don’t know what to do ? I want to die…… mabey I’m mourning myself .I don’t know all I wan’t to be is left alone.
It was was you’d who thought I would be ok In this family…you were wrong so let it go and me ….. Please I’m Tired, I fought an I argued It got me no were Yous think you can control them you can’t so let it go please leave me alone if you think I’m not ok don’t make life worst by sticking your two cents in my life .
Im Not OKEY
So I havent really been around here as much as perhaps I should be. For those who dont know me im an old timer upon this sight, put im my time at the bottom of every bottle and put my time in at the worst spirals of depression. but through the help i got here I got out of the worst of it and now im here to help out. unfortunately right now stuff in my life limit the time i can spend here and alot of people needing help may go unanswered, as ive seen by a recent post. while i cant be an active user giving the help i want to give i can give something else. an email address. this email address is for any user, no matter how bad a place you are in, it will get you through to me, and as soon as i can ill reply, usually the same day. Not saying im a better option than this place, merely stating an alternative, should those who need help feel ignored, im here. I shall re post this every now and again incase anyone who needs it misses it. The address I can be reached on is
All i ask is that you give me time to reply and that your honest, also mention Sp in the title so i know to prioritize. Its not much, but its another way to get help, if anyones interested
Constant change is pretty much inevitable in life. I’ve always been really afraid of change. Therefore, constant fear seems pretty much inevitable in life. That’s one of the reasons I often feel so hopeless.
You’d think I’d have nothing to lose making a change now, given how miserable I’ve been for the past two years. Nope. I have to prepare myself for the worst, so that just in case the worst happens I won’t have some sort of breakdown. I start thinking that maybe my life now isn’t so terrible, which normally would be a good thing, except that I know as soon as the fear of change is gone I’ll go right back to thinking how terrible it is all the time. I seem incapable of facing change with a clear and open mind.
Honestly, I don’t drink much at all, and I haven’t had anything in years because it’s not really my favorite thing, but lately I feel like I want to have just one night of drunken misery/celebration/reveling.
I’m in the middle of coming to terms with certain issues, certain people, and certain unsavory truths, so dammit, I would like to drink myself stupid for one night.
When I do this, I will post on SP throughout the evening so you can all see me at my weirdest. (Because what are friends for, right?)
In the interests of good manners, I will try to keep most of it contained on one post instead of splattering my boozy breath everywhere on the screen.
But who knows what will actually end up happening.
When I drink in a good mood, then I’m usually the happy giggly one. Stupidly fun and willing to laugh at almost anything.
When I’m in a bad mood, that’s when I’m either (1) sullen and dark and angry or (2) Saying WAAAY too many things I should probably have kept my mouth shut about.
I’ll let you know when I’ve started.
There’s a possibility it might be tomorrow evening, if I can get the laptop to connect like it should.
So feel free to peek in and see me make a complete ass of myself.
If it’s too god-awful-embarrassing, maybe I’ll delete it the next day.
I promise nothing!
Bwa ha haaa.
UPDATE: As you can see from the comment section, I felt compelled to prove my nerdiness by reciting Pi out to 197 digits… singing them. (The next three digits are 555, so just count me as knowing 200 digits. That would be great.)
Please forgive my singing voice, it was almost three in the morning when I recorded it. Also pardon the fact that I consistently say “Oh” instead of “Zero”.
Let’s say you have a job. Your job is assembling furniture to sell to other companies.
Let’s say I have a job. My job is bringing you shit to assemble, and taking what you have assembled to its next stage of commerce.
How about you don’t treat me like a piece of shit? How about you don’t act as if I’m the worst inconvenience in your life?
I don’t mind bringing you something to do, or taking what you’ve done. In fact I rely on this chain to survive. As do you ass wipe. You’re overstocked? I don’t place the order, OK? Talk to your boss. You’re over worked? Under staffed? Again, I don’t have a role there. I’m just bringing the shit your company bought. The shit your company uses to , you know , be a fucking company. If I’m taking your products, then congratulations! Your business happened to sell something in spite of your shitty attitude. That’s how income happens. That’s how you get a pay check.
If you work somewhere, with regular interaction with shipping or receiving of products, be kind to your driver. Treat us like the UPS guy bringing your new Xbox. We didn’t schedule anything, we don’t place orders or determine staffing. We just take the shit where it’s supposed to go.
Do you ever just stay up late til like 5am and just struggle to find a reason to not kill yourself? I have done this for the past 2 weeks.
The worst feeling in the world, is being treated like a second option, and feeling unwanted. Being with someone who constantly makes up excuses for not seeing you and then wonders why I get upset so often.
My family disowned me. I have 0 hobbies. 0 friends. I do nothing with my life except go to work and be bored as fuck in my house alone.
I tried to kill myself once, obviously failed. At first I thought, yeah its good that I lived, it means I have a greater purpose. Now I just tell myself “Try harder next time. Finish the job”
My birthday is April 24th. I turn 19 years old. And the only thing I want for that day is to be dead. Why not die on the day I was born right? Makes sense to me eh.
I’M SO FRUSTRATED. UGH.
Another day without her.
Another day with the painful memories of the past.
Another day I need to move my stuff out. 7 days left here at this place that saw everything fall apart.
Another day still don’t know where going to next.
3 cigarettes and memories of how things once were, where things were going, between sips of black coffee, trying to wrap my head around how things came to this. How I became this person, unrecognizable from photos taken only 10 months before.
The fear it’ll never get better, and only possibly worse.
Homeless at 34, abandoned hope for a brighter future, the logical conclusion, what’s the point in going any further if this is all you’ll know?
The person I was feels so distant now, the one who’d smile, who attracted her in the first place, who attracted a lot of people, lost now. Buried beneath the onset of this dark deconstruction.
The slippery slope, leading me to the psych ward, on medications, talking to myself, hair falling out, no true family, so much potential, decimated to dust swiftly blowing away.
What’s even the point of moving out, besides not leaving a burden for someone else?
How I wish I could go back and do otherwise, never move here, but it’s too late, the damage done.
The worst spot have ever found myself in, and that’s after so many worst spots before.
I’m known as that guy, who if it weren’t for bad luck, he’d have no luck at all.
People still care, but I’m so broken, so desperate for release from my daily inner narrative. The one who can’t stop seeing how good things once were, how awful they’ve become.
I’m sorry everyone, this is not uplifting in the least, I know we’re all struggling here, and someone’s pessimistic rant helps little.
I’m just trying to find within myself the strength and determination to press on. It’s just so very hard and oppressive at this particular juncture. I hope you are all having better days. My love to you all.
just a thought it’s not actually that easy to commit suicide or it takes a hell of a lot of courage sure it dose take a bit of courage to try overdose
but other methods takes a lot more courage and have to be planned out properly or you will wind up in a worst state then you already are
so what are the opinions here ?
Living a depressed and miserable life ?
plan and trying harder next time ?
Hoping things will get better ?
Go to a country were you can use the method you choose ?
At this point i think I’m more scared of living then dying right now
You would think it doesn’t hurt anymore. When people come in my life, gain my trust and friendship, then rip away a piece of me as they walk away like I never meant anything to them. But the truth is, it hurts so much more each time it happens. It hurts so bad that I feel numb until another part of me disappears. It hurts so bad because of the feeling that I only ever made friends from pity and I cared about them more than myself. It hurts so bad that it puts me almost to tears, but then a dark part of me screams that crying makes me weaker than I already am. So many pieces of me, so much trust and feelings, have been ripped away and destroyed too many times and now I feel like nothing more than an empty shell. The worst part of all thus is no one will ever know this is how I feel truly.