I came on this site a LONG time ago and actually met a friend through here… we were both considering suicide three years ago and we are both still alive… We’ve graduated high school, and made it to college, and our colleges are only 30 minutes apart.
But that’s not why I’m posting… I have come back to those thoughts… Well, they never left. But they’ve kept from suffocating me for a while… Until now. Suddenly, these past couple of weeks, I’ve come to the conclusion that I should self harm again and have been. I have been wanting to kill myself but am not sure what to do to be successful.
My c0llege has a statement that if a student kills themselves their roommate will automatically get a 4.0 and free tuition for the rest of their 4 year degree. I don’t have a roommate so I was thinking I might wait until next semester and see if I get one. If not, maybe I’ll try to get my friend/neighbor to get the money…
Something is wrong is me… Something is destroying me… Something is going to change and then I won’t have any breath left in my lungs.
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Those thoughts come and go.
Think about how far you’ve come! You’ve made it to college! That’s a huge achievement! Why waste all of the effort and energy you put into getting here?
I’ve had those thoughts a lot too. I want to just give up and stop fighting. Have them very strongly last week and again for the past two nights. I promised not to cut myself again…but I did it anyway. It sucks.
STILL, I’m hanging out…waiting for the feelings to pass, because I know they will eventually. And I think about how far I’ve come and where I want to go next. It’s just a matter of time, really.
And the whole thing about the 4.0 and free tuition…I’m pretty sure that’s a myth. A college needs money. They wouldn’t give someone a free ride like that. Plus, think about the lifelong emotional scar you’d leave on your roomate. It’s not worth free tuition and a 4.0.
I’ve thought of it all a thousand times… I’ve thought of life of death of somewhere in between… eating is routine. I go to meals only to sit silently fighting back tears or faking a smile. Today I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks at dinner but my friends never notice anyway. The things that give me joy are horses and hugs… and I don’t ever get hugs. Horses are awesome but not enough to live for anymore… they kept me alive this long somehow… I’m pathetic and somewhat insane. I get immense pleasure from cutting deep deep into my skin. Honestly if I died tonight I know people would be sad. But I wouldn’t be in this shell pretending to be alive anymore
I’ve thought of it all a thousand times… I’ve thought of life of death of somewhere in between… eating is routine. I go to meals only to sit silently fighting back tears or faking a smile. Today I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks at dinner but my friends never notice anyway. The things that give me joy are horses and hugs… and I don’t ever get hugs. Horses are awesome but not enough to live for anymore… they kept me alive this long somehow… I’m pathetic and somewhat insane. I get immense pleasure from cutting deep deep into my skin. Honestly if I died tonight I know people would be sad. But I wouldn’t be in this shell pretending to be alive anymore
Then, it might not be much, but I’ll send you a virtual hug.
?(?•?-?)?????
____(“`\ .-‘””””`-. /“`)____
(____ \_____ / (O O) \ _____/ ____)
(____ ( ) ) ____)
(____ _______\ \____/ /_______ ____)
(______/ `-.____.-‘ \______)
(`’-.,(`’-., I’m sending,.-”),.-”)
(_,.-”(_,.-” great big `’-.,_)`’-.,_)
(_,.-”)(_,.-”)hugsTo you(_,.-”)(_,.-”)
I know this might sound strange, but something that cheers me up (and I really did not expect it would, is My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It has ponies in it (close enough to horses I hope) and it’s a really good show. You could check it out on youtube. It always brightens up my day.
____(“`\ .-‘””””`-. /“`)____
(____ \_____ / (O O) \ _____/ ____)
(____ ( ) ) ____)
(____ _______\ \____/ /_______ ____)
(______/ `-.____.-‘ \______)
(`’-.,(`’-., I’m sending,.-”),.-”)
(_,.-”(_,.-” great big `’-.,_)`’-.,_)
(_,.-”)(_,.-”)hugsTo you(_,.-”)(_,.-”)
(_,.-”)(_,.-”)hugsTo you(_,.-”)(_,.-”)
Darn, it keeps coming out looking weird. Well, I hope you can still feel my awkward hug.
Much appreciation for the internet hug. I love hugs <3 I've heard of my little pony but I'm not big on tv. I got to play with the horse I lease today so I'm feeling ish-better but not really…