After much thought and consideration, I have decided to end my life. I may have only been here for 19 years, but that’s 19 years too many. Life has been harsh to me for too long. I have a condition that’ll shorten my life span anyway, so I may as well cut to the chase and get it over with.
I have forgotten what it feels like to be truly happy in life. Sadness and depression have defined me for so long, I don’t know how to feel anything else. There hasn’t been a day in my entire life when I woke up and thought, “I’m so happy to be alive.”
I’ve been alone in this battle since day one. Every time I try to explain to someone how I feel, they try to invalidate my feelings, as if it’s wrong to feel the way I do. No one understands.
I am truly desperate to end this wretched life. There’s nothing to look forward to, nothing goes right in my life, and I am miserable. My parents drive me crazy, I work at a job that I absolutely hate, I have so many problems, I’m so stressed, and I’m just generally unhappy with my life.
I have wanted to end my life in the past, but something just has to go wrong every time. Either I get discovered too early, or I chicken out at the last second. Every time I fail, I truly regret not going through with it. This time is for real. I’m not going to back out again.
By the way, I’m not saying that I will kill myself today or tomorrow. I’m just saying that I know I will die by suicide, and it will be in the near future. I’m not even 100% sure which method I will use. I still have to work out the little details.
4 comments
I’m not happy either in this part of my life. I keep thinking that maybe a big change could help me but I don’t even know where to begin.
Maybe you could start small like finding another job. Something you might like doing…
I wish I could tell you some wise answer to make you feel better, but I’m not sure there is an answer. But, I can listen, if that makes you feel better.
Thanks for your suggestion, pumpkinlover, but I’m afraid my problems are too complicated to be fixed. I can’t just get another job because I am supposed to go back to college in January. And I know that my depression will only get worse once I go back to school. But I can’t just drop out of college. I also suffer from self-hatred and low self-esteem, which I have no idea how to fix.
I have tried to make myself feel better, but I somehow manage to get back to my same old depressed self. I’ve taken antidepressants, which haven’t worked. I’ve seen a counselor many times, and she does nothing to fix my problems. I’ve even been in the psych ward for five days, but that too has failed me.
So, you see, I have exhausted all my resources and they end up being of no value to me. I just can’t do this anymore. I’ve reached my breaking point.
Please see my previous posts for additional information.
Yeah I feel very similar to how you do. Alone, fighting a war I cannot win. It must be horrible if you’ve never known happiness. That truly sucks. I hate my job too and I cannot escape it, it seems. I keep looking for ways out but all roads lead back to suicide. Like a sign from above is telling me to do it. Wish you the best. Give it one last chance, try to change everything in your life drastically and if that doesn’t work, I truly wish you peace.
Thanks, DeathDreamer. I, too, feel like suicide is the only way out of this rut I’m currently in. Like I said in my previous comment, I have genuinely tried to improve my life, but nothing seems to work.