I feel very guilty for looking for a purpose. I know that the meaning of life is self-appointed, and as much as I try I know that I can’t find a reason. This is only day 6 of a weird bout of depression–I usually don’t get as depressed as this, where it heavily impacts me–but I am through with it. Why do I still go to lectures and pretend that all of this matters? Why do I still try to do well in class and get so fucking disgusted with myself when my grades aren’t the best? After undergrad is graduate and the formation of a career, then a full-on career, and then death. There is no point, there really isn’t, and yet I am here. I did nothing this weekend, I’m probably falling behind but I can’t seem to get out of this. I need to stop looking for meaning that isn’t there. For me, there is no hope in this life. I am far behind and don’t want to play catch-up.
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From your last post I know how utterly devoid of any meaning your life seems, you say you’ll get over this bout of depression which is extreme for you, it’s the fact that you will get over it that you should continue. I thought a lot about your previous post, it’s hard to know there is any meaning other than creating the next generation while trying to get as much enjoyment as possible; if these things don’t apply to the individual then why bother to go on. I once saw on tv a programme where the presenter was holding a human brain in his hand, he said ‘all the dreams, all the fears, the love and hate, it all went on inside but now its all gone, just a lump of dead cells remain’. That’s always stayed with me, it reminds me of the lines in Pink Floyd’s track ‘breathe’. I still believe it’s the interactions and what we get from them, sorry to repeat and I can’t create an arguement to explain, it’s just what I believe.
What do you believe happens after death? I think that might be the basis for the differences in our ideologies. I don’t believe in an afterlife, personally. I do not wish to be alive in any sort of manner after death (although I do not know if this is actually the case). I do not see how that could work.
I don’t believe in an afterlife but I do worry I may be wrong. I think you approach life in a very intellectual way, and doing so there is no real point, perhaps I try and look at it in a more emotional way, could that be the difference. We live, we die, logic says there’s no point, but to kiss a loved one, to hold your baby, to see the beauty in the landscape, a thank you from someone you’ve helped, emotionally there is a point. The problem is being able to enjoy it, the people around me can, I struggle to myself but want to. Again I don’t really know what the truth is, are we both right, I would say yes, I hope you can see something in what I say, I certainly accept a lot of what you say because eventually we all end up as dust.