For the past 6 years I have suffered from severe depression and social anxiety. There has never been a good time in my life. Before I even developed mental illnesses my Dad was an abusive asshole to my mother and sometimes to me and my siblings. I’ve never had a true friend, I click with no one and relate with no one. I’ve been in therapy for about 3 years now and it seems like nothing is getting better. I left school on the first day of last year because of how bad things were getting; I just couldn’t handle it any longer.
So basically all I’ve been doing is being a fucking loner in my room and it kills me everyday. I do nothing, I contribute nothing to my family. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I used to feel so empty and numb and now I have this longing for a relationship and to ‘live’. I don’t know if I want to die, I just want this to all stop. I’m finding it really hard to cope lately. I can’t sleep and my appetite is really low. I feel so behind and feel lonely and sad all the time (not something usual for me).
I used to play guitar almost all day and now I haven’t played in over a month. I’m not enjoying anything anymore and all I can think about at the moment is this girl I met over the internet. I’m crushing over her like crazy and I spend hours just to think of something to say so I don’t sound too upfront or like a total idiot. I saw her online on the site we chat on and she didn’t reply to my message. I guess I’m just boring or a weirdo. I’ve never had someone tell me I’m attractive or that they like me. I’m not an interesting person at all. What’s there to know about me? I literally just sit in my room all day thinking. My only hobby is guitar and listening to music and playing online games on the occasion. Why would anyone care about someone like that? Especially when they’re getting nowhere in life.
I’d get a job or continue my education but my options are few and I have chronic tiredness no matter what. I hate thinking about the past and hearing about people finishing school. It saddens me greatly to know far behind I am. It hurts so much, why can’t I just live a normal life with normal experiences? I hate seeing couples together, I’ve never had a relationship and I feel like I never will. It makes me jealous to know I can’t have that. To see how happy they’re to live their lives with someone by their side.
People always tell me that most people recover or get to a point where they can at least live with their illness/es. But what about the rest of that percentage? What happens to them? I feel like I’m apart of that group – the one’s who have no chance in this world. Is it really impossible to be so incompetent that there really is no hope? Because from what people say it seems not. I’m nothing but a lost cause that clings on because of fear and emotion.
I already know how I’d kill myself and if I didn’t live so far from the station I probably would of done it already. Not to mention the damn trains don’t run at the time I want to do it most. If there were other lethal methods I had access to then that’d be an option too but this is all I have. At the moment it hurts to think about dying like this, without hope and without love. I don’t understand what’s going on with me. I want to feel empty again.
(I’m a girl btw, not that it matters)
3 comments
Crave,
First off, I’d like you to know that you are not alone in your feelings (I myself can relate to many of them). And please realize that longing for a relationship – and even feeling a spark of jealousy toward those who have what you want (and for that matter, deserve) – is completely normal.
I must say that your fifth paragraph made me think. You asked what happens to the scarce percentage of people who are unable to overcome their mental illness and cannot fit into the world. I don’t have a concrete answer to that question, but I, too, have often wondered about the concept of true hopelessness. I like to think that is very rare.
You said yourself that you are unsure whether or not you want to die, just that you wish for things to change in your life. I think that’s a good sign.
Perhaps you can make the first step in creating that change by finding something in your community to become involved in. Volunteer work, a club of some sort – anything that interests you. It can be a great way to meet people (You mentioned that you play guitar – perhaps something related to that, whether it be starting a band or something else?).
Best of luck.
L4Y
Hey L4Y, I don’t know why I’ve been feeling like this lately but I have such a strong urge to go out and meet people. I hate being alone, I hate liking someone just to have them not like me back. I used to really like this girl back in year 8 to 10 and it took me 3 years just to get over her and it hurt so much not being able to talk to her. I’m pretty sure she was straight anyways so there was no chance.
I also have this problem in that I’m very stubborn and always challenge my thoughts. I’m very open-minded and I always seem to side with the negatives. It’s hard for me to be mindful and I hate the fact that I think like this. I’m such a negative and depressed person all the time, it’s not fun. I have too much hate inside me, I hate almost everything.
I’ve thought about doing stuff like that but it worries me. Am I going to spend the rest of my life alone doing something I don’t enjoy? I know this is just me over-thinking and catastrophizing but I can’t help it; it’s all so overwhelming. I don’t think I’d start a band, I’m very introverted when it comes to music.
I’d call my therapist but I’ve been calling her everyday for the past week and we both already know that it’s not good for me to become too reliant on her. She said I’m more than welcome to and that she doesn’t mind but I feel like a bother even though I know she doesn’t think of me that way. She told me to try talk to a family member but it’s so hard, I can’t relate to any of them but they’re all supportive of me. They never really know what to say and what am I even going to open up about? That I’m crushing over this girl over the internet who probably doesn’t even like me back?
Crave,
I think it’s understandable that you feel you have become a negative person given that you are unhappy with your life at the moment – unhappiness tends to cloud our thoughts and judgment and bring us down. It’s perfectly normal and nothing to beat yourself up over.
You said you do have a strong urge to go out and meet people and are tired of being alone in your room all the time. That is a good outlook and I think it’s just a matter of finding something you’re interested in – a hobby, sport, volunteer work, etc. Anything that will get you out and around other people.
I’ll give you an example: I am essentially in the same position as you – lonely and wanting to make friends. So, I gave it some thought and decided to join a dart league a couple of months ago, as I enjoyed playing darts when I was a kid. It’s been a lot of fun and I’ve met some great people. I won’t lie and say I’ve become good friends with everyone (I can be distant and socially awkward, but I’m trying to work on that), but down the road as I get to know everyone better, you never know.
I think the same logic could apply in your situation. Think of something you enjoy doing (or that you feel you may enjoy). Have a look in your community and see what is available that interests you. You never know – it may be one of the best decisons you ever make for yourself.
As for your therapist, I think if you are comfortable speaking with her, I look at that as a positive (talking to family members about personal problems is often difficult, as you said, although it’s good to hear that they are supportive). If she felt your calling her every day it was unhealthy or hampering your progress, then, as a professional, I’m sure she would let you know.
Hope this helps a bit.
L4Y