So many times I’ve been told “it gets better”. In my case, it eventually will, but it could take 5 years or longer, and I can’t make it for that long. For those 5+ years, I’ll be stuck with my own body making my life hell. I can’t have relationships, I can’t do a lot of the things I want to do, getting dressed or hearing the sound of my own voice will be torture, just like it has been for so many years already.
I already tried to end it before, only a few months ago. I collected painkillers, but I quickly realised that I wouldn’t be able to keep enough down to kill me. After that I managed to keep myself going for a while, kept myself busy, gave myself hope that I could piece something together until I get my treatment. It didn’t last very long. Today I saw what I could have had if only things had been different. I wanted to try again today, but I realised that I’m scared of actually killing myself. So now there’s no solution. I can’t survive another 5+ years like this, and I can’t kill myself.
1 comment
Wow, I’m stuck in the same dilemma (kind-of)! I sit here reading this site everyday but never respond to anyone. I was in a motorcycle accident 4 years ago. I have T.B.I., all motor skills on my right side have been severely effected. I can barely keep my balance or walk among many other things. As I write this I have my handgun sitting next to me, the reality is I’m fucking scared. This life now sucks but the uncertainty of death is actually terrifying. Damnded if we do and damnded if we don’t!!! Your not the only one.